Uncanny Deadpool II
by The Uncanny R-Man
Summary: Chapter 35: Deadpool dukes it out with the mind controlled Psylocke. Part of the Uncanny Marvel Universe.
1. It's Not Easy Being Deadpool

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 1: It Isn't Easy Being Deadpool**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Dedicated to Todd fan**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Author's Notes- **_Yes, due to popular demand, the Former-Merc-With-The-Mouth is back with his own URM-Verse fic. And, as I said above, this fic is dedicated to my fellow Deadite and smut-peddler known as Todd fan. Enjoy ya'll!_

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning (1)-**

The former Merc-With-The-Mouth known as Wade Wilson was sat in bed. He was surrounded by several nubile young women dressed in their unmentionables. Okay, they were technically students at the Institute, but it wasn't as if Wade was a teacher there, was it?

Wallflower of the new Mutants squad was having a pillow fight with Mercury of the Hellions squad. Wallflower was dressed in a skimpy white negligee while Mercury was dressed in black. Both girls giggled excitedly as they walloped each other with pillows.

Wade managed to tear his gaze away, only to see X-23 and Nightingale of the Sirens dancing _very _dirtily.

Wade couldn't help but grin to himself as he thought of Wolverine's face if he knew what the young clone was up to.

Wade then shook such thoughts from his head. Why was he thinking of Wolverine when there were hot young women gathered about him.

Wade then felt his bed shift slightly as three figures clambered on top.

The three remaining Stepford Cuckoos: Phoebe, Fiona and Eve looked at Wade with predatory smiles. They were all dressed in attire that would make Emma Frost blush.

'Mr Wilson, can we tell you something personal…?' Phoebe purred.

'Go ahead…' Wade nodded. 'I'm all ears. Well, I'm not really but… You get the idea…'

Phoebe looked at her sisters before continuing.

'We have never been with a man before.' Phoebe stated.

Wade's heart flipped over at the thought.

Fiona and Eve both inched closer to their sister. Fiona held Phoebe's hand while Eve stroked her hair.

'We also haven't been together in front of a man…' Fiona purred.

Wade silently blessed his healing factor, otherwise he would have had a heart attack.

'I think we should give Mr Wilson a show, girls…' Eve smiled as she looked at her sisters.

'Mmm, that sounds like fun…' Phoebe chuckled.

The three identical blonde telepaths then began to inch ever closer. All three of them puckered up their lips and leant in close.

_Bee-bee-bee-bee-bee…_

Wade jumped awake at the sound of his alarm clock.

'Sonofa…!'

Wade cursed his alarm clock. He was in the middle of a really good dream. He wouldn't be able to get to sleep now.

Wade looked under the sheets and cocked a curious eyebrow.

'At ease, boys.' He quipped.

Then the truth dawned on him. He was living in the middle of a school where many of the teachers were telepaths. If even one of them sensed his thoughts…

Wade shrunk back down into the sheets. Perhaps it would be best if he stayed in bed for a little while longer…

* * *

**Breakfast-**

After a nice long, cold shower, Wade headed down to breakfast in the cafeteria with the rest of the X-Men. He made sure that he especially avoided the telepaths. Fortunately, Professor Xavier, Emma Frost and Jean Grey were nowhere to be seen. Wade sighed in relief as he took a place in the queue.

'Salutations, Wade…' Hank McCoy smiled kindly as he took a place behind Wade. 'Eager to sample some of the Institute's fine comestibles?'

'If any of that meant that I'm hungry, then yeah.' Wade replied. 'I'm built up a hunger something fierce.'

Hank cocked an curious eyebrow as he noticed Wade's unusual twitchiness.

'Wade, are you well?' Hank enquired. 'You seem awfully jittery. Was last night's slumber not satisfactory? Or did the fair Elizabeth keep you up all night with her shenanigans?'

'In... in... in a way…' Wade answered quickly, his eyes darting about nervously. 'I think I ate something that didn't agree with me.'

'Ah, I am fully aware of your unorthodox dietary tastes.' Hank chuckled. 'Mint chocolate chip ice-cream and raw stuffing mix is quite a remarkable mixture.'

'Yeah, I'm a regularly crazy guy.' Wade chuckled weakly, his eyes still darting about in search of any stray telepaths wandering his way.

Unfortunately, three certain identical blonde telepaths walked by. They all turned their heads as one and smiled at Wade.

'Good morning, Mr. Wilson…' The Cuckoos chimed in their eerie monotone.

Wade threw his tray up in the air with a yell.

'Why can't you people leave me alone!'

Hank, the Cuckoos and the majority of the cafeteria's occupants watched in bemusement as Wade ran out of the cafeteria, screaming like a girl.

'What the heck was **_that_** about?' A puzzled Warlock blinked.

'I'unno.' Rahne shrugged. 'I'm guessin' that Betsy broke him.'

Warlock just shook his head in sympathy.

'Poor guy…'

* * *

**The Danger Room-**

Wade hoped that a session in the Danger Room would help work off his lusty wrong feelings.

The former Merc-With-The-Mouth was working out with Piotr, Kitty, Logan, Betsy and Scott. Both Wade and Betsy had accepted positions on the team to replace the pregnant Emma Frost and Jean Grey. But so far, they had yet to see any action. Well, apart from the mission to Canada **(2)**.

Wade was presently sneaking through a holographic representation of New York. Today's session was little more than a grown-up version of hide and seek. One X-Man was appointed 'it' while the others hid around the landscape. Wade was 'it' and it was his job to find the others, by any means necessary. Unfortunately, Wade had not tagged one X-Man, but he was on the trail of Colossus. Wade had caught a telltale glint of light reflecting off the Russian mutant's metallic skin and began tracking him through the cityscape.

Wade crouched down on a fire escape as he watched Colossus walk along down below.

'Oh, this is gonna be sweet…' Wade chuckled to himself as he held an iron pipe in his hand. 'I'll show them who's the best at what they do…'

Wade stood up and placed one foot on the top of the railing as he prepared to jump down on top of Colossus. Unfortunately, Wade lost his footing and tumbled over the side.

'I regret _nothiiiiiiing…!_' Wade yelled as he plummeted to the ground, landing in an open dumpster.

'Oh God, Wade!' Kitty winced as she ran up to see what the problem was. 'Are you okay?'

'Never been better, Pryde.' Wade replied as he poked his head out of the dumpster. 'It looks like somebody up there likes me!'

Unfortunately, the lid of the dumpster chose that moment to fall down, hitting Wade square on the head.

'Damn dramatic irony…' Wade muttered from the confines of the dumpster.

* * *

**Bedtime-**

It was bedtime for the X-Men as they split up and prepared to go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire.

Betsy sat up and watched Wade as he walked out of their en suite, muttering all the while.

'Something wrong, luv?' Betsy asked concernedly.

'It's just been one of those days.' Wade sighed heavily as he flopped on to the bed. 'First I get awoken from a really good dream involving the Cuckoos, I miss breakfast, I screw up in the Danger Room, the flowers're laughing at me and Lockheed wants to eat my socks.'

Betsy processed the sudden outburst of data.

'Wait… Did you just dream about the Cuckoos?' Betsy frowned. 'One of _those_ dreams?'

Wade mentally curse himself for being so stupid.

'Um… No?' Wade smiled innocently.

Betsy crossed her arms over her chest.

Wade scratched the back of his neck nervously.

'Well… it's not as if you haven't done the same thing. I've heard all about you and Doug Ramsey back in the day.'

'That's different…' Betsy started to retort.

'The guy saw you naked!' **(3) **Wade stated. 'That is way worse than me having dirty dreams about the Cuckoos!'

Betsy stuck out her bottom lip as she began to pout.

Wade grinned wickedly at the sight.

'You do know how much I love it when you pout, don't you?' Wade growled as he leant in close.

Despite her mood, Betsy couldn't help but soften at that.

'Mmm, do tell…' The purple-haired Brit smiled.

Wade looked Betsy straight in the eyes as his grin began to grow.

'How about I just show you…?'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Deadpool Gets A Car**

_Exactly what it says on the tin. Deadpool gets a car. But will Betsy like his choice? Then what about driving lessons? Who in their right mind would want to teach Wade Wilson how to drive? Tune in next time to find out…_

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**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Wade and Betsy joined the Xavier Institute in the final chapter of _'Uncanny Deadpool'.

**(2)- **_Wade and Betsy went on a mission to Canada with Logan and co in _'Uncanny Wolverine'.

**(3)- **_Doug Ramsey saw Betsy Braddock naked in New Mutants Annual #2. Lucky jerk._


	2. Deadpool Gets A Car

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 2: Deadpool Gets a Car**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Still Dedicated to Todd fan**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Once, my TV didn't work, so I kicked it. And it started working again'- _**Deadpool on the wonders of percussive maintenance**

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning-**

The former Merc With A Mouth known as Deadpool was sleeping peacefully in bed next to his girlfriend Elizabeth 'Psylocke' Braddock. That was until he was forcibly woken up by his alarm clock.

Wade jumped straight out of bed and fell to the floor.

'Bea Arthur!' Wade yelled as he jumped to his feet. Then he started to look about himself nervously. 'I sure hope nobody heard me say that out loud just then…' Wade muttered to himself. 'Damn healing factor. Making me lose my ability to have an inner monologue…'

Wade continued to mumble to himself as he swatted at his errant alarm clock, knocking it off the bedside table and straight onto his foot.

'Damn alarm clock!' Wade hissed as he pulled a gun out form under his pillow. 'I'll bash you good!'

The loopy former mercenary then proceeded to pump the poor little alarm clock full of bullets.

Once the gun had run out of ammo, Wade just stood there panting with exertion.

'Aww, dammit!' Wade palmed his face. 'I did it again! Betsy's gonna go nuts!'

As if to reply to his comment, Betsy rolled over to face Wade with a sleepy mumble.

'The bread is in the middle of the road…' Betsy mumbled.

Wade just shook his head at that. Sometimes he worried about the British telepath.

* * *

**Later that day-**

After getting hurriedly dressed and having a quick breakfast, Wade made his way to the garage where he had an extra special surprise for Betsy.

Wade was presently standing in front of a rather large object covered in a dust cloth. Betsy was also there. She was trying to inch closer to get a peek at whatever it was under the dust sheet.

'Oh, come on, Wade…' Betsy said as she tried to take a peek under the sheet. 'Please tell me what you've got. I could make it worth your while…'

'Your feminine wiles won't help you now, Cute Buns.' Wade replied. 'And you know how much I like your wiles.'

Betsy then decided to bring out the greatest weapon in her arsenal: the Almighty Puppy-Dog Pout! No man could resist its magic. Betsy had first used the pout as a weapon when she was a child and couldn't get her own way. Her father was a sucker for it. As were her twin brother, Brian, and their older brother, Jamie.

Betsy looked at Wade with big innocent eyes and stuck out her bottom lip, giving it a little wobble.

Wade just looked back at her unflinchingly.

'Your powers are weak, old man…' Wade sniffed. 'You cannot possibly hope to defeat me. I was once the learner, but now… I am the master… debater.'

Wade snickered at his joke.

'Man, I slay me…' Wade wiped a tear from his eye. 'So, the surprise…'

Wade took hold of the edge of the dust sheet and prepared to pull it away.

'Preeeeesenting the All-New, All-Different… Deadmobile!'

Wade yanked the dust sheet away to reveal a brand new, pale blue Cadillac. The car looked as if it had just been ripped off from the set of Grease or something.

Betsy just gaped at the sight.

'What the bloody hell..?' Betsy blinked. 'What possessed you…?'

Wade just lay on the hood of the car as if he were a model in a calendar.

'Yeah. Ain't it cool?' Wade grinned as he stroked his new car's shiny veneer. 'I saw this little baby on the lot and couldn't resist. It was almost as if it was talking to me. _Buy me_. It said. _Buy meeeeee!_'

Betsy could barely process the news.

'It-it-it's…. horrible!' Betsy blurted. 'There's no way in hell that I'd be seen dead in that… monstrosity!'

'Aww, I'm sure you'll soon come around, Cute Buns.' Wade smiled as he swung his legs around the edge of the car and jumped off. 'Why, just look at all the cool junk under the hood!'

Wade popped the hood to show off his new car's innards.

'Why, this baby is automatic. Hydromatic. Systematic. Symptosymatic….'

'It's like greased bloody lightning.' Betsy deadpanned.

'Well, if you're going to be sarcastic, you're not going to play with her…' Wade sniffed as he slammed the hood back down.

Betsy then noticed that her boyfriend's eyes had begin to brim with tears.

'Oh luv…' Betsy cooed as she took Wade's hand in hers. 'It's only a car. There's no need to get upset about it…'

'It's not that…' Wade winced. 'I trapped the tip of my thing under the hood…'

* * *

**Later still-**

After Wade had recovered fro his little… accident, he had decided to go back to bed for a little lie down. Nothing took it out of Wade more than an injury to Wade Junior.

Wade had almost fallen asleep when he was alerted to something scratching against his window.

Wade rolled over so he could see who was tapping at his window. It was Lockheed the Dragon. The little purple alien dragon seemed to have something in his mouth.

Wade smiled at the sight and he got up out of bed and opened the window so Lockheed could fly inside.

'Hey there Dragon, what you got there?' Wade asked as he patted Lockheed on the head.

Lockheed opened his mouth and dropped his 'gift' into Wade's hand. It was a pair of women's underwear. Or to be more precise, a white thong.

Now, it was well known all through the Institute that Lockheed had a habit of making a nest in Kitty pryde's panty drawer. There was also suspicion that Lockheed was behind a spate of underwear robberies. What the rest of the X-Men didn't know was the fact that Lockheed was actually working for somebody else. That somebody else was… Wade Wilson!

Wade turned the white thong around in his hands. He had been after this particular item for quite some time. Emma frost's underwear would go for a bundle on eBay.

'God boy, Dragon…' Wade grinned as he scratched Lockheed under the chin. 'I guess I'd better reward your hard work…'

Wade headed to the closet where he kept his extra-secret Twinkie stash. Lockheed licked his lips in anticipation as Wade grabbed a couple of bags.

'Here you go, buddy.' Wade grinned as he handed Lockheed the sugary treats. 'Don't eat them all at once.'

Lockheed cooed in thanks and promptly departed before he could be discovered. Then Wade sat down to celebrate his prize.

'_BWA-HA-HAAAA!_' Wade laughed out loud. 'With this thong, my collection is complete! Now I have a pair of underwear for every X-Woman in the Institute!'

Wade's celebration was cut short as Betsy walked into the room.

'Wade, are you okay?' Betsy asked. 'I thought I heard a yell.'

Wade silently curse himself and hid the thong behind his back.

'Everything's fine Cute Buns. Really.' Wade smiled innocently. 'Nothing going on here…'

Betsy narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

'What's that you're hiding?'

'Nothing…' Wade lied, his eyes darting about nervously. 'W-wait. What are you doing? No! don't snatch…!'

Betsy made a grab for whatever Wade was hiding and snatched the thong away.

'Why have you got one of Emma's thongs?' Betsy narrowed her eyes. 'Is there something you want to tell me?'

'Umm… I had Lockheed steal panties so I could sell them on eBay?' Wade smiled innocently. 'I'm in trouble, aren't I?'

'Not if you give me a percentage.' Betsy smiled mischievously.

'Forty-sixty?' Wade asked.

'More like seventy-thirty.' Betsy countered. 'Unless you want to be punished. And I don't mean in a good way.'

'That's extortion!' Wade sulked.

'Ain't it just?' Betsy crossed her arms over her chest with a victorious smile. 'Well, we've got all the X-Women taken care of. I think it's time to take care of the Avengers…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Deadpool And the Plush Rabbit Of Death!**

_Plush rabbits are cute, right? Not if they hold the soul of one of the most evil beings in the URM-Verse! Will Deadpool be able to cope with a plush rabbit that is possessed by the Dread Dormammu? Tune in next time to find out…_


	3. Deadpool and the Plush Rabbit of Death!

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 3: Deadpool and the Plush Rabbit of Death!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning-**

It was a special day in the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning. It was Betsy Braddock's birthday, and all the X-Men had gathered around to watch the purple-haired British ninja open her presents.

Betsy eyed a particularly big box with suspicion. The box was roughly her height. There was no telling what could be inside.

'I hope you like this present, Betsy.' Ororo smiled. 'Logan and I had to comb the entire Tri-State area for your gift.'

Betsy's eyes lit up at the thought.

'_Ooh!_ Is it expensive?' Betsy grinned. 'Is it pretty? Is it Orlando Bloom?'

'Aww, nuts.' Logan tutted. 'Ya saw through us.'

'Ha-ha.' Betsy rolled her eyes. 'Real funny, old man.'

'Less of the cheek, Betts.' Logan sighed. 'Do us a favour an open it, okay?'

Betsy did as she was told, and promptly shredded the paper that wrapped her present. Betsy stood back in shock once she saw what her resent was. It was a giant chocolate fountain. **(1)**

'Oh. My. God…' Jubilee blinked. 'A real live chocolate fountain. That is so **_cool!'_**

Jubilee then spun to glare at Logan.

'Why the hell didn't _I _get one of those on _my_ birthday? You _know_ how much I wanted one.'

Logan quickly changed the subject.

'So Wade, what did you get Betsy?'

Wade opened his mouth to reply, but realised that he hadn't bought Betsy a present at all.

'Umm… My present is upstairs…' Wade mumbled as he slowly backed away. 'I will just go and get it…'

Wade then turned around and fled outside to his manly scooter. The scooter in question was red and had several stickers plastere dover it. Y'know the kind. 'My other scooter is the Millennium Falcon', stuff like that**(2)**

'Have to buy a gift…' Wade muttered to himself as he tried to start up his moped. 'Start, damn you, start!'

The manly moped finally started up and Wade zipped out of the Institute before you could say 'badly-written fan fiction.'

* * *

**Chinatown-**

Wade had made his way into Chinatown in his search for Betsy's birthday gift. He stopped outside a particularly spooky-looking store. It was all dark and gothic-looking. Which was kind of ironic seeing that he was in Chinatown and all.

'Hell. This place is as good as any.' Wade sniffed. 'Betsy has always liked Asian stuff. So why not get her an ancient Chinese antique or something…'

Wade made his way into the store. The smell from the incense almost knocked him to the floor.

'Man. That is rank…' Wade winced as he put his hand to his mouth. 'And people call _cigarettes _death sticks…'

Wade turned around to see a wizened old Chinese man standing before him. Wade screamed girlishly at the man's sudden appearance.

'Greetings, stranger.' The wizened old man smiled under his long white beard. 'How might I be of service?'

Wade finally composed himself.

'Umm… I'm looking for a birthday gift for my girlfriend, actually.' Wade cleared his throat nervously.

'Ah. We have many suitable items in this shop.' The old Chinese guy nodded. 'But I must warn you. All the items in this shop are cursed!' **(3)**

'Oh. That's bad…' Wade sighed.

'But they come with a free serving of frozen yoghurt.' The old Chinese guy smiled.

'Ooh. That's good.' Wade smiled.

'This frozen yoghurt is also cursed.' The old Chinese man warned ominously.

'Oh. That's bad.' Wade sighed.

'The frozen yoghurt comes in a variety of flavours.' The old Chinese man added happily.

'Ooh. That's good.' Wade smiled.

The old Chinese man turned ominous again.

'These flavours all contain potassium benzoate.'

Wade just stared blankly at the old Chinese man.

'That's bad.' The old Chinese man explained.

Wade blinked a couple of times.

'Aww, screw it. Just gimmie the purple plush rabbit.'

'You have made a wise choice, sir.' The old Chinese man smiled. 'A very _wise_ choice… _MWA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!_'

'Geez. Must be a full moon.' Wade sniffed.

* * *

**Back at Xavier's-**

Wade had arrived home from his little shopping trip without anybody seeing him. He had popped in to see how Betsy was getting on with her giant chocolate fountain. The purple-haired telepath had her head dunked in the fountain as if she was bobbing for apples. She would be fine for the next half-hour or so. That gave Wade plenty of time to get washed up in time to give Betsy her present.

Wade walked out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist.

'Hunh. I don't remember taking the rabbit out of the bag.' Wade blinked as he saw the purple creature sat upon a chair. 'I don't even remember unwrapping it…'

Wade picked the plush rabbit up and carried it over to the bed.

'I am the Dread Dormammu and I am going to feast on your soul!'

'Cool!' Wade grinned. 'The bunny talks!'

The bunny turned its head to gaze evilly straight at Wade. An aura of fire appeared around the bunny's head.

'I said, I am the Dread Dormammu and I am going to feast on your soul! You, Wade Wilson!'

Wade dropped the bunny with a scream and ran straight out of the bedroom, dropping his towel on the way.

_**'YAAAAAAHHH!'**_

Emma Frost and Jean Grey blinked in surprise at the sight of the naked former Merc-with-the-Mouth.

'There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.' Emma sighed.

* * *

**Later-**

A short while later, Betsy made her way into the kitchen to look for a cloth to wash herself with. She had thoroughly gorged herself on her chocolate fountain, and needed a sit down.

Betsy stopped in her tracks as she saw Wade cowering under the table.

'What's the matter now, luv?' Betsy sighed. 'Are the Cuckoos stalking you again?'

'The bunny wants to kill me…' Wade whimpered as he held his knees to his chest and rocked back and forth. 'Can't sleep. The bunny wants to kill me… Can't sleep. The bunny wants to kill me…'

Betsy just shook her head and continued on with her search for a cloth. It looked like Wade was in the middle of another one of his psychotic moments. It was best if she just left him alone and let him get on with it.

Betsy spun around as she heard a strangled gurgle. The British telepath's eyes widened in surprise as she saw the sight before her. A plush rabbit was dunking Wade's head in Lockheed's water bowl.

'I will feast on your soul!' The evil bunny laughed maniacally. 'For I am the Dread Dormammu!'

Betsy quickly grabbed the plush rabbit up by its ears and yanked it off her boyfriend.

'Unhand me, mortal!' The evil bunny demanded. 'I am the Dread Dormammu! Death comes to those who cross me!'

'Aww. Who's a cute little evil bunny rabbit?' Betsy cooed. 'You are. Yes you are. You are a cute little evil bunny rabbit.'

'You dare mock me?' The evil bunny growled. 'I will feast on your soul as well! I will feast on all your souls! For I am the Dread Dormammu!'

'Then I shall call you Dormy.' Betsy smiled happily as she hugged the bunny to her chest. 'And you shall be mine. And you shall be my Dormy.' **(4)**

Betsy hugged Wade close.

'Oh Wade, my darling! This is the best birthday present ever!'

Wade just smiled nervously as he was pulled into the hug.

'Thank God I didn't buy the cursed monkey paw…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Return of the Taskmaster (bator)**

_Exactly what it says on the tin. Days of Hellfire continues as Wade and Betsy infiltrate Taskmaster's stronghold to find out what Sebastian Shaw is up to. Wackiness inevitably ensues._

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Those of you that have seen '_The Vicar of Dibley' _will get the joke with the chocolate fountain._

**(2)- **_Especially for Todd fan. It was only a matter of time until I had Wade's manly scooter appear. Hee._

**(3)- **_Yes, I have only written this chapter so I can rip of the Simpsons Halloween episode with the evil Krusty Doll. Sue me. It was a funny episode. Well, it was either that or have Wade step on a ton of rakes._

**(4)- **_Gratuitous Finding Nemo reference._


	4. Return of the Taskmaster: Part 1

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 4: Return of the Taskmaster**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Xavier's-**

Wade Wilson and Betsy Braddock were presently gathered in the War Room with Theresa Cassidy. Professor Xavier had called them with important news. Iceman, Polaris, Juggernaut, and Aurora had just arrived home from a double date. **(1)**

While a quartet of mutants returning from a double date was no news in itself, the events of the date were cause for some concern. They had been attacked by a gang of Sentinels. Sentinels that had the Shaw Industries emblem stamped on them. It seemed that Sebastian Shaw was up to his old tricks. Add to the fact that the Hellfire Club was suspected to have been responsible for kidnapping Bishop **(2) **and you could see why it was a busy time for the X-Men. Sage had already taken a group of X-Men to go and rescue Bishop.

'I am glad that the three of you have gathered here.' Xavier began. 'Several of my contacts within Shaw Industries have reported that assembly has begun on more Sentinels in Connecticut...'

'And you want us to go in there and get all smashy-smashy, right?' Wade deduced.

'I wouldn't have put it quite that way...' Xavier commented. 'But yes, your task is to shut down the Sentinel production facility before any more innocent bystanders are hurt.'

'Then what are we waiting for?' Betsy piped up. 'Let's go kick some!'

'What about that contact ye mentioned before, Wade?' Theresa remembered. 'How can he help us?'

Wade grinned mischievously under his mask. 'Just wait a few seconds and you'll find out, Terry. Bodyslide by three!'

No sooner had Wade said that, then the trio of X-Men disappeared in a flash of light as they were teleported away.

'That teleportation thingie's gotta be murder on the carpet.' Callisto commented.

Xavier looked back at his tentacled associate.

'Callisto, the War Room doesn't have a carpet.'

'Well, it should.' Callisto continued. 'And would it kill you to throw in a few pot plants? They would do wonders for yer decor.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Wade, Betsy, and Theresa appeared in a chrome-covered room.

'I trust the teleportation process wasn't too disorientating.' Nathan Dayspring Summers said politely as he walked up to greet the trio.

'I think I'm gonna puke...' Wade doubled-over with a groan.

'Ye didnae mention that yuir contact was Cable!' terry frowned slightly. 'Why would the self-styled wannabe Messiah want tae join us?'

'For the betterment of mankind, Theresa.' Nathan explained. 'Shaw cannot be allowed to finish assembling the Sentinels.'

Then it was Betsy's turn to add her two cents.

'Not that I'm unhappy to see you, but... Why don't you just dismantle the Sentinels with your telekinesis from the relative safety of Providence? It would save a lot of time.'

'And miss out on an opportunity to give Shaw a good kick in the pants?' Nathan smirked. 'I don't think so.'

'Y'all gotta admire a man with priorities, huh?' A Texas-accented voice chuckled.

'Oh no.' Wade groaned. 'Not her. Anything but her.'

A statuesque blonde woman with her hair tied into a long ponytail and dressed like a cowgirl walked up to the team.

'What? Don't ah get a hug or anythin'?'

'Are we supposed to know you?' Betsy frowned at the woman.

'Ah should think so, hon.' The blonde cowgirl smiled as she sauntered up to the gang. 'Wilson and ah go _waaay_ back...'

Betsy spun to shoot her boyfriend with a withering glare.

'You know this... this...'

'They call me Outlaw.' The woman introduced herself. 'Wade and ah did a few jobs together way back when. We're ol' buds. When ol' Nate here found out that y'all needed his help, he gave me a call.'

Betsy then shot Cable another withering glare.

'What?' He asked innocently. 'Just because I'm a wannabe Messiah, it doesn't mean that I can't have a sense of humour.'

'Can we please leave now?' Theresa groaned.

'Engage.' Cable quipped.

Wade held his head in his hands.

'I hate you...'

* * *

**Shaw Industries Sentinel Production Facility, Connecticut-**

Wade and the others reappeared in a flash of light outside the building that housed the Sentinel Production Facility.

'Are ye sure that it's safe f'r us tae teleport in this close?' Theresa frowned concernedly. 'Surely they've got sensors tae detect intruders.'

'I bet Nate's already got that covered.' Wade rolled his eyes. 'Scrambling their circuits with his telekinesis.'

'I am scrambling the circuits with my... never mind.'

'So what do we do now?' Betsy frowned. 'Just charge in there like gung-ho idiots not unlike... oh, I don't know... X-Force?'

Cable shook his head slightly.

'You reform the New Mutants into a paramilitary team, and you end up paying for it the rest of your life.'

'At least you're not Liefeld.' Wade pointed out. 'The fans hate his guts. he's all about T&A.' **(3)**

'Fans?' Betsy blinked in surprise. 'What fans? Who the bloody hell is Liefeld?'

'Never mind...' Wade shook his head as he took aim with a handy sniper rifle that he was carrying.

'How come ah don't get cool toys like that?' Outlaw frowned. 'Ah want a big gun.'

'I think you've already got a nice enough pair of cannons as it is...' Wade snickered under his breath.

'What did you say?' Betsy hissed angrily.

'Nothing...' Wade squeaked as he took out the guard with a well-aimed shot to the head.

* * *

**Inside-**

The quintet managed to make their way into the Sentinel production facility without too much fuss. Any guards foolish enough to try and stop them simply fell to their combined might. Whether it was guns, swords, and pad puns, psychic knives, telekinesis, sonic scream, or super-strength, the Hellfire Guards fell like the cannon fodder they were.

'Well, that was easy...' Wade narrowed his eyes as he looked about. 'Almost too ea...'

Betsy quickly clamped her hand over Wade's mouth before he made a big mistake.

'Don't you finish that bloody sentence...' Betsy hissed in warning. 'Do you have any idea what would have happened if you said what I think you were going to say?'

'Well, somebody's pretty superstitious.' Outlaw snorted.

'Being superstitious is better than being top-heavy.' Betsy muttered to herself.

'What did y'all just say?' Outlaw narrowed her eyes in anger.

'Let's move along shall we?' Cable sighed, not wanted any blood to be split unnecessarily. Well, not until they met some bad guys.

'Just wait a sec, Nate...' Outlaw waved Cable away. 'Ah wanna hear what the Brit chick just said...'

'Uh, guys... I dinnae think there'll be time f'r that...' Theresa noticed as she looked around. 'We have company.'

Sure enough, the quintet was surrounded by Hellfire soldiers and several familiar faces. Constrictor, Boomerang, Agent-X, Scorpion and Electro were amongst the Hellfire soldiers as well.

'Well, it looks like we have a party on our hands.' A skull-masked figure chuckled as he made himself known. It was the Taskmaster! 'I wish that I could say that it was a pleasure to see you again, 'Pool, but we'd both know that I would be talking crap.'

Taskmaster then turned to the Hellfire soldiers.

'Kill 'em. But I've got dibs on Wilson!'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Return of the Taskmaster: Part 2**

_Deadpool, Psylocke, Cable, Siryn, and Outlaw Vs Taskmaster and his lackeys. Can you say gratuitous violence?_

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1) **_Iceman, Polaris, Juggernaut, and Aurora went on their double date in '_Uncanny X-Men.'

**(2)- **_Deathbird kidnapped Bishop in '_Uncanny XSE.'

**(3)- **_Mmm, Fourth Wall-y. Those of you who have seen Liefeld's art on New Mutants will see why I hate him. Rahne doesn't have Vulcan ears, dammit!_


	5. Return of the Taskmaster: Part 2

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 5: Return of the Taskmaster- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**R-Man's Random Fact- **_Mountain Dew is banned in Britain. Cuz it made too many kids hyper. Damn snot-nosed punks. Spoiling everything for the rest of us..._

* * *

**Shaw Industries-**

The Shaw Industries building in Connecticut was in a state of chaos. Professor Charles Xavier had become aware of the fact that Shaw Industries were building Sentinels. So, he dispatched a squad of X-Men to take down the facility before the Sentinels were able to harm innocent mutants. Deadpool, Psylocke, and Siryn happily accepted the assignment. They were also joined by Cable, the mutant wannabe Messiah, and the super-strong Texan mutant known as Outlaw.

Unfortunately for our five heroes, taking down the Sentinel production facility was proving to be more difficult then they first thought. Apart from the legions of Hellfire Club soldiers guarding the facility, there were several metahumans present as well. Constrictor, Boomerang, Agent-X, Scorpion and Electro were proving to be no mere pushovers.

Siryn dodged electric blasts from Electro as she flew around the building, much to the supervillain's annoyance.

'Dammit. Stay still so I can fry your butt, will ya?' Electro hissed angrily. The Irish mutant's incessant ability to fly out of the way of his electric blasts was starting to really annoy him.

'An' where would the fun in that be, boyo?' Terry smirked as she flew a loop-the-loop through the air. 'What's the matter, cannae ye handle fightin' an X-Man?'

'I'll show you just how much I can handle if you come down here.' Electro sneered.

'Bored now.' Terry sighed heavily. 'I hope ye brought yuir earplugs...'

Electro was about to say something in reply, but ended up being knocked off his feet by one of Terry's sonic screams.

'_EEEEEEEEEE!_'

Nearby, Betsy was taking on Constrictor. The British telepath's ninja skills were invaluable in avoiding the villain's adamantium coils.

'Missed me, missed me. Now ya gotta kiss me!' Betsy taunted as she vaulted away from Constrictor.

'I'll do a lot more than kiss you, babe.' Constrictor shot Betsy a lecherous grin. 'Now, what do you say we quit this fussing and feuding,and get down to some loving?'

'I don't think so.' Betsy shook her head with a chuckle. 'I've only got eyes for one man.'

'_Deadpool?' _Constrictor snorted in disbelief and disgust. 'You actually _sleep_ with that psycho?'

'I thought you guys used to be roomies.' Betsy retorted.

'Just because we shared an apartment doesn't mean that I actually have to _like_ the guy.' Constrictor pointed out. 'Heh. Next you'll be telling me that you're carrying his kid.'

Betsy just shot the villain a cheeky grin.

'Twins, actually.' She corrected.

The colour left Constrictor's face at the thought.

'Oh dear **God**, no! Please, kill me now!'

'As you wish.' Betsy nodded.

The British ninja telepath leapt through the coils of Constrictor's adamantium appendages and plunged a psychic knife into his head.

Betsy dusted off her hands as Constrictor fell to the ground, unconscious.

'Heh. I never get fed up of doing that.

Elsewhere, the Texan mutant known as Outlaw was taking on Scorpion and Boomerang.

'Aww, man. What did we do to end up with this psycho?' Scorpion grumbled as he lashed out at Outlaw with his tail. 'Do you know what people call her?'

'Don't even go there, Gargan.' Boomerang warned him. 'You'll regret it, trust me. You think that _you_ hate being called names? Just wait until somebody cracks that nickname around her.'

'Aww, come on!' Scorpion snorted. 'It's just a little nickname. It's nothing bad.'

Scorpion then turned to address Outlaw.

Outlaw's eyes widened as she heard Scorpion's remark.

'Ain't that right, _Crazy Inez?'_

'Tell me that y'all didn't say what ah thought y'all said.' Outlaw growled angrily.

'Nice knowing ya, mate.' Boomerang winced, creeping away.

Scorpion was about to say something in reply, but found himself being grabbed by the tail.

'H-hey! What're you doing? Get offa my tail!'

'Ain't gonna happen, punk.' Outlaw sneered angrily. 'Nobody, but _nobody_, calls me Crazy Inez!'

Scorpion yelled in fear as Outlaw began to spin him around by the tail.

'Myeeeeeersssss! Heeeelllp meeeeee!' Scorpion screamed.

'You're on yer own there, mate.' Boomerang cowered behind a crate. 'I know better than to pick a fight with an angry Sheila.'

Scorpion yelled out again as his tail broke away from his suit, causing him to fly across the building, and collide wiht a wall with a nasty crunch.

'Now, what about y'all, Boomerang?' Outlaw asked as she turned to the Antipodean boomerang-wielder. 'Are ah gonna have some trouble with y'all as well?'

'I'll be good.' Boomerang squeaked timidly.

Not very far away, Cable was taking on Agent-X.

The scarred mercenary was finding that his barrage of bullets were more than useless against the wannabe messiah's telekinetic force field.

'D'awww! Nobody wants to play with me!' Agent-X groused. 'You're not playing fair!'

'Those are the breaks, I'm afraid.' Cable stated as he sent the Deadpool wannabe flying through the air with a mere wave of his hand. 'Now, I don't want to hurt you, so I am going to give you one last chance to surrender.'

'Do I look French to you?' Agent-X sneered.

'One has to wonder about your smell though.' Cable pointed out.

'What're you saying?' Agent-X frowned. 'Are you saying that I _smell?_ Like a _Frenchman?'_

'Perhaps you don't smell quite as bad as a French person...' Cable supposed. 'But your odour comes pretty close.'

'Oh, you're gonna go down for that.' Agent-X growled angrily. 'Nobody, but _nobody _calls me French!'

Agent-X tried to grab Cable by the throat, but found that his body wasn't reacting to his thoughts.

'W-what's going on? Why can't I move?'

'I have taken command of your body telepathically.' Cable stated. 'There is no use struggling. My grip is quite impossible to escape from.'

'Oh yeah?' Agent-X sneered. 'Well... your mother was a clone and your father was Scott Summers!'

'Your point?' Cable sighed as he blew the back of Agent-X's head off with his telekinesis.

Finally, it was up to Deadpool to take on Taskmaster.

'You ready to rumble, Skeletor?' Wade quipped as he unsheathed one of his katanas.

'Oh yeah, the old Skeletor thing.' Taskmaster groaned. 'That gets funnier every time I hear it.'

Wade held his sword up in the air.

'_BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!_'

'Please shut up.' Taskmaster rubbed the bridge of his nose. 'This is embarrassing enough.'

'If you think t_his_ is embarrassing, you should see some of the stuff that Liefeld's done. As much as I like T and A, enough is enough. The guy needs a new MO. Even though, one has to give him his props for creating a certain Merc-With-A-Mouth. Even if he _was_ a blatant rip-off of Deathstroke.'

'Are you quite done?' Taskmaster sighed. 'Can we just fight now?'

'Bring it, Skeletor!' Wade taunted.

'Enough with calling me Skeletor!' Taskmaster yelled. 'I am not Skeletor! I am the goddamn Taskmaster!'

'And another thing...' Wade continued. 'Do you think that the old He-Man cartoon was a little homo-erotic? Just look at He-Man for instance. A muscle-bound guy running around in just a furry pair of pants. _Gay! _And then there's Skeletor himself. He was just _flaming!_'

'Shut up! Shut up! _SHUT UP!_' Taskmaster roared, his frustration reaching boiling point.

Wade held up his hand as if he was clutching an imaginary handbag.

'Ooooh, get her.'

'Okay, that's it!' Taskmaster growled angrily. 'You're going down, Wilson!'

Taskmaster leapt at Wade, only to collide with an invisible barrier.

'Aww, Nate!' Wade sulked. 'I had dibs on Taskmaster!'

'And you were doing so well talking him to death.' Cable commented.

'You're just jealous cuz you haven't got any fan fiction of your own.' Wade pointed out.

'You'll have to forgive him, Nate.' Betsy apologised. 'I think he's having another relapse of insanity.

Cable nodded in understanding as Wade continued to knock down the Fourth Wall.

'Okay, I don't have my yellow speech bubbles anymore, but one has to make do, I suppose. But look at is this way, at least Liefield isn't drawing me anymore. Wait... what do you mean that he's drawing the new Heroes Reborn: Onslaught thingie? Are Marvel mental? I thought they would have kicked Liefeld out a long time ago! Forget Voldemort, Liefeld is the new He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.'

'Ah vote we blow this whole place up with him in it.' Outlaw suggested, jerking a thumb in Deadpool's direction.

Betsy just held her head in her hands.

'I'm in half a mind to agree with you, Inez. Really, sometimes I wonder what I see in Wade.'

'Ye know what people say sometimes...' Terry piped up with a slight grin. 'Laughter _is_ the best medicine.'

'Unless you're diabetic.' Betsy countered. 'Then the best medicine is insulin.'

Cable and the others just stared aghast at Betsy.

The purple-haired telepath shook her head in shame.

'We are _so_ going to get flamed for that joke, aren't we? Aww, _bollocks! _The whole Fourth Wall thing is started to rub off on me! Let's go before I start ranting about how much this Liefeld guy Wade talks about sucks...'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Smack My Punisher Up**

_If you think Wade gave Rob Liefeld a bashing, just you wait until you see what he does to the Punisher..._


	6. This Fic Has Become Too Silly

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 6: This Fic Has Become Too Silly**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Author's Note- **_I was due to have Deadpool kick the snot out of the Punisher, but, as the title says, I decided that this fic has become a little too silly recently. So... Here's something a little less silly._

* * *

**The Xavier Institute For Higher Learning-**

School was in session in the Xavier Institute and Wade Wilson was busy teaching his drama class. The school production was only a few short weeks away, so the cast had to practice to make sure that they got everything right. There were costumes that needed to be made, backgrounds that needed to be painted, and dance steps that needed to be practiced. The art department were in charge of painting the sets. Piotr Rasputin was more than happy to help with that.

Wade looked quite a sight with a tight white vest, black beret, and grey drawstring jogging pants. He also had a sweater tied around his neck. And as always, he was wearing his red-and-black mask.

Wade rubbed the bridge of his nose as his cast got their dance steps wrong for the umpteenth time already.

'Ahh! It's step-step-pivot-step-step! _Not _step-step-pivot-pause-step-step!'

Wade snapped a pencil in his hand and threw it on the floor. He stomped the poor little writing implement into splinters, muttering various curses to himself.

'We only have three weeks to go until our first show!' Wade announced. 'And we still haven't got the first number done yet! We can't make a production of _Grease_ without _Greased Lightning!_'

'Uh... Mr Wilson?' Laurie Collins held her hand up timidly. 'I'm sure that we'll be able to get the moves right. We just need to practice more.'

'Fine.' Wade sighed. 'Let's try it once more, with feeling!'

* * *

**Teacher's Lounge-**

Thankfully for the remains of what Wade called sanity, his cast had finally managed to get their dance steps right. The former merc-With-A-Mouth was now in the teacher's lounge with the rest of the teachers.

'So Wade, how's this secret musical production of yours going?' Kitty inquired as she handed Wade a cup of coffee. 'How's it going for our own little Steven Spielberg?'

'I wish that I could say that it was going well...' Wade sighed wearily. 'But... I thought that directing the Institute's drama class would be real easy. They sure showed me.'

'Oh, I'm sure the kids aren't that bad.' Kitty reassured him. 'At least you're not teaching the _special _class.'

'And for that I'm thankful.' Wade nodded in agreement. 'Who ended up teaching the _special_ class?'

Kitty shook her head in dread.

'Trust me, you don't want to know...'

Just at that precise moment, Mystique burst into the teacher's lounge, slamming the door behind her.

'Sometimes I wish that there was a great big rope tied around those kids' necks. Then I could end my troubles with one quick yank!'

'Having a little trouble, Raven?' Wade smirked.

'Oh, laugh it up, Wilson.' Mystique sneered. 'Just you try to teach a bunch of no good snot-nosed little punks, then you'd see what I'm talking about.'

'No, I'm alright, thanks.' Wade shook his head. 'I'd like to hold on to what little shred of sanity that I already have.'

Mystique just slumped down in her seat.

'Just you wait...' The former mutant terrorist muttered to herself. 'I'll show you. Oh yes. I'll show you all...'

* * *

**Later-**

Wade was now walking through the Institute's huge garden. He was walking hand-in-hand with his girlfriend Betsy.

'Mmm, just feel those rays...' Wade closed his eyes in bliss. 'Aren't they wonderful?'

'Uh... Wade, you've still got your mask on.' Betsy pointed out.

Wade turned to his purple-haired lover and narrowed his eyes under his ever-present mask.

'Must you always spoil my fun?'

'I can't see why you don't walk about without your mask more often.' Betsy commented. 'It must be hot in that thing.'

'You know I can't do that, Bets.' Wade sighed heavily. 'My face isn't exactly easy to look at.'

'I don't have a problem with it.' Betsy shrugged.

'That's alright for you to say...' Wade countered. 'You used to have a crush on Captain Cardboard.'

'I plead temporary insanity.' Betsy shot back. 'God, what was I thinking? Lusting over Scott Summers? _Bleaurgh._'

'What do women see in him anyway?' Wade frowned thoughtfully. 'It can't be his personality, because... well, he hasn't got one.'

'Power.' Betsy answered. 'It's all about the power. Scott was the team leader back then. Women like guys in positions of power.'

Wade tapped his chin as he thought that over.

'So, what you're saying is that if I were President or something, I'd be beating off the ladies with a stick?'

'Not if I've got anything to do with it.' Betsy punched Wade in the arm. 'You already planted your seed, and I expect to see you hanging around for the duration.'

Wade thought about that again.

'So... I guess you wanna get married or something, huh?'

'I wouldn't mind.' Betsy shrugged. 'It would be fun trying to make an honest man out of you.'

'Forget about making _me _an honest man...' Wade laughed haughtily. 'I'll have to make an honest woman out of _you!_ People are starting to talk about our... nocturnal exploits.'

'I've never heard you complain.' Betsy pointed out. 'As a matter of fact, you even said that you didn't even give a crap about what other people thought.'

'Well, one has to make changes.' Wade answered. 'Especially now that one is going to be a father.'

'I wonder what the kids'll be like...' Betsy thought out loud. 'Oh God, I hope they don't take after you...'

'Hey!' Wade shot Betsy a glare.

'Having one loony is enough, but two more in the family? And kids at that!'

'You worry too much, Cute Buns.' Wade gave Betsy a comforting pat on the back. 'I'm sure that our kids will be great.'

'You'll have to learn how to be responsible though.' Betsy continued.

'Feh. Responsibility is just one of those meaningless words that gets thrown about a lot.' Wade shrugged it off. 'Like education, education, education. Or aardvark-battleship-cucumber.'

Betsy just shook her head and walked off. Wade was left standing there watching after her.

'Okay, if you don't like those words we could use something else. How about monkey-tennis-spoon? No? What about elephant-donkey-toenails? C'mon Bets, work with me here! _C'mooooon!_'

* * *

**Bedtime-**

Wade had finally caught up with Betsy and the pair had retired to bed. Betsy was curled up in bed while Wade fiddled around in the bathroom.

'Wade, come to bed, luv.' Betsy called. 'It's cold without you.'

'I'll be out in a sec, babe.' Wade called back.

'You're not picking your scabs, are you?'

Wade looked at the flake of skin in his hand and looked back at Betsy nervously.

'Uh... no.'

'Don't you lie to me, Wade T Wilson.' Betsy frowned. 'I can read you like a book.'

'But my scabs are so magically delicious!' Wade whined. 'They're salty. Mmm, yes.'

'It's bloody disgusting!' Betsy retorted. 'It's even worse than when you tried to turn Twinkies into alcohol.'

'It worked, didn't it?' Wade shot back. And besides, you didn't complain at the time.'

'That's because you used me as the guinea pig.' Betsy pointed out. 'The rest of it was kind of a blur. I think I blacked out for a week.'

'And that is why we're never allowed in Denny's again.' Wade tutted. 'For shame, Cute Buns. _For shame!_'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Unusual Engagements**

_If Wade wants to make an honest woman out of Betsy, he first has to find a decent engagement ring. Such a job would be easy if Annihilus hadn't decided to try and conquer New York. Guest-starring: Namor the Sub-Mariner!_


	7. Unusual Engagements

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 7: Unusual Engagements**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

**&&&&&**

**Manhattan-**

It was a typically busy day in the island of Manhattan. People moved in and out of the various shops, office buildings, theatres, and what have you. Cars travelled to-and-fro between their various destinations. A lone taxicab stopped outside an unassuming-looking jewellery shop and a man got out. The man paid the cab driver and headed inside the jewellery store.

The man in question was dressed in a long brown trenchcoat and a matching fedora which both obscured his features.

The man headed over to the display of engagement rings.

'Ooh, pretty...' Wade T Wilson, the former Merc-With-A-Mouth, mumbled as he surveyed the various shiny things in the glass case before him. 'I think Betsy will like you.'

Wade headed over to the counter to ask for assistance.

'Uh, hi...' Wade smiled at the woman behind the counter. 'Could I have a closer look at some of those engagement rings, please?'

'Certainly, sir.' The woman smiled kindly.

Wade frowned slightly. Wasn't the woman the least bit disturbed by his presence? Wade's image inducer was on the fritz, so he had to go incognito.

The woman opened up the glass case and lifted out a cushion with several different engagement rings attached.

'Is there anything in particular that you'd like?' The woman inquired.

'I don't know...' Wade admitted sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck. 'I thought buying a ring would be easy, but there's so many to choose from...'

'Take your time, sir.'

Wade perused the selection of engagement rings, tapping his chin in thought.

'Ooh! I like this one!' Wade decided, indicating one ring with a rather large diamond sitting atop a golden crown. 'Yeah. I'll take this one.'

'Very good, sir.'

Wade followed the woman back to the counter.

'I've got finger measurements if you need to have the ring made specially.' Wade held out a hastily-scribbled note.

'That's quite alright, sir.' The woman smiled. 'All our rings are one size fits all.'

Wade blinked in surprise at that.

'One size fits all?'

'Unstable molecules.' The woman explained. 'They're not just for the Fantastic Four, you know.'

**&&&&&**

**A short while later-**

Wade carried Betsy's engagement ring out of the store nestled safely in its blue velvet box.

'Betsy is gonna plotz over you, my friend!' Wade told the ring, a greta big sile on his face. 'I promised to make Betsy an honest woman, and Wade T Wilson always follows through on his promises. Heh. Follow through...'

Wade was so immersed in his conversation with the ring that he didn't notice a similarly-dressed figure walking towards him.

'Careful, fool!'

But the stranger's warnings came too late as Wade collided with him, sending them both tumbling to the floor.

'I thought I could smell fish...' Wade grinned as he recognised the person he had just walked in to. 'First I thought that it was these week-old socks causing a stink...'

'Get off me, you fool!' Namor the Sub-Mariner hissed as he forceibly pushed Wade off him. 'You had better look where you walk next time...'

'Oh, can the threats, Fish Sticks.' Wade tutted as he picked himself up off the floor. 'Everybody knows that you couldn't scare anybody. Even if it was the most scaringest day of your life, and you had an electrified scaring machine!'

'Your insanity knows no bounds, Wilson.' Namor sneered. 'It defies logic that women find you attractive.'

'What's the matter, Spock-Ears?' Wade grinned cheekily. 'You jealous?'

'Prince Namor is jealous of no-one!' Namor crossed his arms over his chest with a contemptuous sniff.

'You know, from certain angles, you look kinda like Northstar.' Wade pointed out. 'Except, ol' Alice knows better than to go mincing around in bright green Speedos.'

'You dare to mock my royal attire?' Namor loomed over the unimpressed Wade. 'Perhaps I should show you how we treat people like you in Atlantis?'

'Got better things to do, SpongeBob.' Wade waved him off. 'Betsy ain't gonna engage herself.'

Wade turned his back on the irate Sub-Mariner and started to walk off. Wade stopped in midstep as a great big portal appeared before him.

'Ooh, pretty...'

'Get out of the way, you fool!' Namor grabbed Wade's arm. 'Do you not realise what that portal is?'

'I dunno what it is...' Wade shrugged. 'But I can tell you what it looks like... A great big tuppence! Now, who in their right mind uses portals shaped like a lady's front bottom?'

Namor tore off his trenchcoat and charged forward to attack.

'_**IMPERIUS REX!'**_

'Now, that was just rude.' Wade tutted. 'Here I am, being social and junk, and Subby charges off to go do...'

Wade trailed away once he saw what had come out of the portal. Namor had piled into a hoard of insectoid aliens. In the lead of the insectoid aliens was a green creature with great big bat-like wings and bright purple body armour. It was Annihilus! Lord of the Negative Zone!

'_Death to the fleshlings!_' Annihilus bellowed.

One of Annihilus's horde landed in front of Wade and roared fiercely. Wade went for his gun, only to realise that he wasn't carrying any weapons.

'Aww, crap sticks.'

Wade turned to address the insectoid creature.

'I don't suppose that we could take a rain-check until I find some weapons?'

The insect creature just grabbed Wade by the throat and tossed him through the air with little or no effort at all.

Wade smashed through a store window. He looked up an noticed various handguns, rifles, and other firearms.

'Ooh, convenient.' Wade hopped up off the ground and went about getting himself some hardware.

**&&&&&**

**A little later-**

A few minutes later, Namor was starting to discover why Annihilus's hoard was called the Annihilation Wave. The poor Sub-Mariner had just had the royal snot kicked out off him. He was presently being held upright by two of Annihilus's lackeys.

'Foolish Prince of Atlantis...' Annihilus hissed as he held Namor's chin in one hand. 'You foolish Earthlings have no hope of defeating us. Once I have finished with this misbegotten city, I shall move on to conquer the rest of this planet. Then: The whole universe!'

'You are... insane.' Namor retorted. 'The people of this planet will not let you win.'

'Oh, is that what you think?' Annihilus chuckled. 'If you are expecting to be saved by one of your reality's so-called heroes, then you are sorely mistaken.

_BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!_

The two lackeys holding Namor upright squawked in pain as they were riddled with bullets. Both creatures fell to the floor in a puddle of neon green blood.

'The insane one still lives?' Annihilus hissed in anger. 'Destroy him!'

'You ain't the first to try, Spanky.' Wade smirked as he reached for a crossbow.

_SPOING!_

Another one of Annihilus's lackeys fell to the floor as a crossbow bolt pierced its insectoid skull.

'Ho-ho-ho, I've got a crossbow!' Wade crowed as he let rip with more bolts, taking down even more or Annihilus's hoard. 'Just call me Deadpool the Vampire Slayer! 'Cept my butt is _way _cuter than Sarah Michelle Gellar's!'

'_Fools!' _Annihilus snarled angrily. 'I shall destroy this one myself!'

Wade tried to fire off more crossbow bolts in Annihilus's direction, but they just bounced off the inhuman creature's armoured hide.

'Crap-crap-crap...' Wade hissed as he searched for another weapon to use.

'I shall rend you to pieces and suck the marrow from your bones!' Annihilus roared as he got ready to attack.

'Yeah. Sure. 'What-_evah!_' Wade sighed nonchalantly as he removed the pin from a grenade and plunged his hand into Annihilus's throat. '_Fire in the hold!_'

_**KABOOM!**_

Wade dove for cover just in time, as Annihilus exploded in a fireball of goo and bits of armour.

'Aww, yeah!' Wade crowed in victory. 'Who's your daddy, bitch? I am! Cuz I'm the goddamn Deadpool! Well, not _the _Dead Pool, cuz that's a Dirty Harry movie. Okay, it's not as good as the original, but you tell me that you didn't laugh when the bad guys unleashed that bomb attached to a remote-controlled car...'

'Wilson, I would not celebrate victory just yet...' Namor reminded him. 'We still have the Annihilation Wave to deal with...'

'Oh, chill, Young's Beer-Battered Cod.' Wade snorted. 'These schmucks are nothing without their leader. Look! They're already walking through the suspiciously-shaped portal...'

**&&&&&**

**Elsewhere-**

Unseen by the victorious former Merc-With-A-Mouth and the Prince of Atlantis, a rather large figure was watching them from his inner sanctum many light-years away orbiting Titan, one of Saturn's moons.

Thanos, the Mad Titan, and Death groupie steepled his fingers as he observed Deadpool and the Sub-Mariner.

Wade was still mocking Namor.

'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...'

'Oh, Wilson...' Thanos steepled his fingers with an evil chuckle. 'You are planning to get married, hmm? I plan to make sure that you _never_ live to see your honeymoon!'

**TBC...**

**&&&&&**

**Next: Show Me The Puppies!**

_An engagement ring isn't the only present that Wade had bought Betsy. Introducing: Wanker the Puppy!_


	8. Show Me The Puppies!

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 8: Show Me The Puppies!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Somewhere in New Jersey-**

In a warehouse somewhere in New York, a young executive-type was duct taped to the wall. The executive guy stared fearfully back at the person that had taped him to the wall. A knife thunked into an apple that had been standing on the guy's head, splitting it in half.

A red gloved hand picked up the apple halves and dusted them off.

'You know, I always wonder how they get these apples so crunchy...' Wade Wilson thought out loud as he took a bite out of one of the apple halves. 'It can't be the chemicals that they spray the trees with, cuz these are good ol' organic British apples. Aww, who cares? An apple's an apple, right?'

The executive guy tried to cry out, but a strip of duct tape over his mouth prevented him from doing so.

'What did I tell you before?' Wade asked as he placed another apple on the guy's head. 'There's nobody here to hear you, even if you weren't gagged.'

Wade reached up to the wall and yanked out the knife.

'Now, let's see if I can get this right if I go back even further...'

Wade trotted over to the other side of the warehouse. The executive guy struggled in his bonds.

'I wouldn't do that if I were you, buddy.' Wade yelled over at him. 'You don't wanna end up getting an unwanted scalping, do you?'

Wade turned his back to the executive guy and held the knife by its blade between his thumb and forefinger. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth threw the knife over his shoulder. The executive guy closed his eyes tight with a whimper.

_THUNK!_

'Bull's eye!' Wade crowed triumhantly, punching the air. 'And I don't mean the crazy kill-you-with-a-toothpick kind of bull's eye.'

Wade headed back over to the executive guy duct taped to the wall and picked up the knife and pieces of apple.

'Isn't this fun?' Wade smiled sweetly under his mask. 'I'm having fun. Hell, I couldn't have more fun if I was Funny McFun and I had an electrified fun machine on the funnest day of my already fun life. Fun!'

Wade ripped the duct tape off the executive guy's mouth.

'You're insane!'

'You wanna see insane?' Wade spun around to look the executive guy right in the eye. 'I'll show you insane...'

The executive guy let out another fearful whimper.

'Dude, chill out!' Wade laughed, clapping the guy on the shoulder. 'I'm not here to kill you. God knows I should do, though. Your wife wasn't very happy when she found out that you cheated on her with your secretary...'

'Please...' The executive guy begged. 'I have money. I-I can give you lots of money!'

'What, do you think I kidnapped you and duct taped you to the wall out of the kindness of my heart?' Wade snorted. 'Your wife paid me quite a pretty sum to do this. I should be giving my pregnant girlfriend breakfast in bed, not screwing with the mind of some random executive type that can't keep his little buddy in his shorts. But we'll need some extra cash if we move out of the X-Mansion and get a place of our own.'

'W-what do you want with me...?' The executive guy stuttered.

Wade sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.

'You really haven't been listening, have you? Okay, listen very carefully, for I shall say this only once...'

Wade leant on the executive guy's shoulder.

'Your wife hired me to make you see the error or your ways. Or as she put it, kick that misogynistic bastard's ass! There was something about feminism as well, but I wasn't really listening. Women tend to waffle on a bit, y'know? Although, this is a funny way of striking for the feminist cause, getting a guy to do all the work.'

Wade tucked the knife back in his belt and started to walk away.

'You-you are going to set me free, aren't you?' The executive guy inquired hopefully.

'Terribly sorry, old bean.' Wade smiled apologetically under his mask. 'But I have to see a man about a dog.'

* * *

**Later-**

Wade was now in the Salem Centre pet store, not very far from the X-Mansion. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth bent down to tap on a tank of exotic fish.

'I'm gonna get ya little fishies... C'mon, just keep swimming, just keep swimming...'

Wade then turned to see a tank that had a pair of piranhas swimming within.

'Ooh, piranhas... Just imagine what fun I could have with them...' The halfway-sane ex-merc chuckled evilly as he rubbed his hands together. 'I could dig a pit in the X-Mansion, fill it with water and piranhas, and drop my enemies in it!'

The various other customers going about the pet store warily moved away from the strange man cackling evilly beside the piranha tank.

Wade walked on until he saw a grey parrot sitting atop a perch.

'Heh. You don't look like much of an ex-parrot, do you?'

'Polly want a cracker!' The parrot squawked.

'Now, it isn't enough to want a cracker...' Wade lectured the parrot sagely. 'You have to earn it first. Go on, say something first.'

The parrot just stared blankly back at Wade before tucking its head under its wing as it began to preen itself.

'Screw you then.' Wade sniffed as he headed on to see what other animals they had in the pet store.

Wade stopped in his tracks when he heard an excited yapping coming from a nearby display case. A quintet of cute little yellow Labrador puppies were rolling about playing with each other. All of them except one. One puppy was stood up on its hind legs, propping itself up on the display case with its forelegs.

'Aww, aren't you the most adorable thing?' Wade gushed as he bent down to admire the puppy. 'I think I shall call you... Rover! Nah... Too predictable. Ooh! Ooh! General Grievous! Nah... Too fanboy. Oh, I know! I shall call you... Wanker!'

* * *

**Back at the X-Mansion-**

Wade had bought the puppy, now named Wanker, and bundled him into a carry case. Wade tied the carry case to the back of his manly scooter and headed on home.

Wade slowly opened the door to the room that he and Betsy shared and carefully peered around the side. He could see a human-like shape lying on the bed in the dim light of the bedroom. A great big pregnant-looking shape.

By the gentle snuffling sounds coming from the bed, Wade could tell that Betsy was fast asleep. The purple-haired Brit usually took a nap whenever Wade had business to take care of in the city.

Wade tiptoed over to the bed and gently prodded Betsy on the shoulder.

'Bets, hey Bets... Cute Buns, wake up...'

'Few more minutes...' Betsy murmured sleepily.

Wade picked up Wanker and plopped her onto Betsy's lap. The little yellow puppy licked Betsy's face and yipped excitedly.

Betsy blinked in surpise and rubbed her eyes.

'Wha...?'

'You like it?' Wade grinned happily.

Betsy was still a little too sleepy to think properly.

'You got me a puppy?'

'Did you find that out all by yourself?' Wad teased.

'I'm still sleepy...' Betsy rubbed her eyes blearily. 'Can't it wait?'

'Have a look on his collar.' Wade told her.

Betsy let out a sigh and examined Wanker's collar. She felt something small, round and metallic.

'Is... is that what I think it is?' Betsy asked, barely believing her eyes.

Wade just grinned knowingly.

Betsy unattached the ring from Wanker's collar.

'Oh, God...' Betsy put her hand to her mouth. 'I... I don't know what to say...'

'Yes would be good.' Wade smiled.

Betsy grabbed her lover in a great big hug.

'Oh, you daft bloody sod! Of course I'll marry you!'

Wade took the ring from Betsy and slid it onto her finger.

'See?' He smiled, looking up at his lover. 'I told you that I'd make an honest woman out of you.'

* * *

**TBC...**

**Next: I Am Weasel!**

_Wade meets up with his old hacker friend for a few beers._


	9. I Am Weasel!

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 9: I Am Weasel!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Duct tape, duct tape, duct tape!'_

* * *

**A convenience store somewhere in Salem Centre-**

Wade Wilson was a very busy man. His fiancée, Betsy Braddock, was expecting twins and was having cravings for unusual combinations of food. Betsy's cravings differed with each passing week. Last week she had cravings for cold Spaghetti-Os and Cheez-Whiz. The week before that she had cravings for fried bacon and chocolate ice-cream. But this week Betsy had a craving for pineapple chunks and tortilla chips. She liked to dip the chips in the pineapple syrup.

Wade perused the aisles of tinned fruit. He picked up one tin of pineapple and took a look at it.

'It is worth buying such a big tin?' Wade thought out loud. 'It'll only got to waste once Betsy gets a new craving next week.'

Wade put the tin back on the shelf and picked up a smaller tin.

'Better get a smaller tin, then. Ooh, buy one get one free. It'll work out cheaper to get two small tins.'

Wade put the tins in his hand basket and carried on towards the aisle where the potato chips and the like were kept.

The former Merc-With-A-Mouth froze in place when he heard gunshots coming from the direction of the counter. Somebody screamed. Then he heard several people barking orders, telling people to get down on the floor.

'It was only a matter of time before I get involved in a stereotypical convenience store robbery.' Wade commented as he took cover behind a display of pickled onion jars. 'Well, there's that and the fact that somebody saw _'Sudden Impact' _last night. Gotta love Dirty Harry.'

Wade reached for his hip, expecting to grab his gun. He'd left it back at the X-Mansion.

'Aww, nertz.' Wade muttered to himself. 'The only time I leave home without weapons, and I end up having to foil a robbery.'

* * *

**Nearby-**

In one corner of the store, a shotgun-toting thug was keeping an eye out for any cops that might come in the back way. The sound of a jar of peanut butter rolling along the floor caught his attention. The thug cocked his shotgun and went to investigate.

Unseen by the thug, Wade grinned from his position standing atop a ladder beside a display of watermelons. Wade brought the watermelon down onto the thug's head with a wet thump.

_BLORP!_

The thug struggled to get his head free from the watermelon, but ended up getting a kick to the gut that sent him falling into the potato section.

_DUFF!_

'Tch. Such a waste of beautiful, beautiful fruit.' Wade tutted as he walked onwards. The commotion would have alerted the rest of the thugs, so he had better get a move on.

_**BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**_

Sure enough, a series of bullets shredding cans of tinned potatoes alerted Wade to the presence of more of the thugs.

'Didn't you mommies ever tell you not to play with guns?' Wade quipped. 'Somebody could get hurt.'

Wade picked up a jar from a nearby shelf.

'Frankfurters in brine.' Wade read the label. 'Heh. Batter up!'

Wade tossed the jar of frankfurters at one of the thugs, shattering against his head.

_KEESH!_

The thug clutched his eyes with a scream of pain as he was blinded by the brine.

_**'YAAAH!'**_

The second thug tried to take a run at Wade, only to slip up on a rapidly spreading puddle of brine on the floor.

'You guys are making this too easy.' Wade laughed out loud as he trotted off to find the rest of the would-be thieves.

It didn't take Wade very long to find the rest of the thugs. There were only three of them left. The lead guy had his shotgun pointed at the head of the store manager, while his two remaining accomplices had theirs pointed at the two cashiers as they emptied the cash registers into bags.

Wade picked up a shovel from a nearby display and spun it around in his hand.

'Meh. It's not a sword, but it'll have to do.' Wade muttered to himself.

Wade strode over to the cash registers.

'Hey there. Nice day for miscellaneous larceny, don't you think?'

The thugs all swung around and aimed their guns at Wade.

_KLICK! KLACK! KLICK!_

'Get down on the floor or you're a dead man!' The lead thug demanded. 'I swear, I'll splatter your brains all over the wall!'

'Heh. That's not the first time I've ever heard that.' Wade chuckled to himself. 'Now, why don't we sit down and discuss our problems like nice sane individuals? I might even make you some quiche, if you're nice.'

Wade soon got his answer as the lead thug blasted him with his shotgun.

_**BLAM!**_

Fortunately, Wade brought the shovel up to protect himself.

'I take it quiche is out of the question then?' Wade asked as he peeked out from under the head of the shovel.

The thugs responded with more gunfire.

_**BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**_

Wade easily avoided each and every gunshot.

'Geez. Thugs today are getting worse and worse.' Wade tutted as he smashed one thug in the face with his shovel. 'In the old days, there used to be some kind of etiquette about holding up a convenience store.' Wade hit another thug in the gut with the handle of his shovel and followed it up by smashing the thug's face against the cash register.

_**BLAM!**_

Wade yelled out in pain as he felt a gunshot shred his shoulder.

'Ow. Sonova...'

Wade brought his hand up to his shoulder. He was bleeding.

'Oh, that is it...' Wade tapped his bloody hand with the shovel head. 'Y'know, I was trying to be hospitable and stuff. Trying to minimize bloodshed, but you just _had_ to go and shoot me. You brought this upon yourself...'

Wade threw the shovel through the air lie a javelin, impaling the last remaining thug against the wall.

_CHOCK!_

'You're lucky you caught me in a good mood.' Wade sniffed as he walked up and pulled the shovel out of the thug's chest, making him fall to the floor. 'Otherwise I would stuck this shovel... On second thought, I doubt you'd wanna know where I woulda stuck the shovel...'

* * *

**Harry's Hideaway-**

A rather scruffy-looking bespectacled man sat in one of the booths at the back of Harry's Hideaway. His name was Weasel. Well, that wasn't actually his real name, but nobody knew his real name. So they called him Weasel.

Weasel was a computer hacker extraordinaire. One of his most loyal clients was a certain former Merc-With-A-Mouth. Weasel was Wade's bestest buddy in the whole wide world. Unfortunately, Wade had been rather busy, what with Betsy expecting his children and all, so nowadays he had little time to hang out with Weasel.

'Man, you wouldn't believe the day I've had...'

Weasel got up out of his seat to welcome his old friend, his arms wide open for a manly hug. Weasel put his arms back down by his sides once he notice the bloodstained bandage tied around Wade's shoulder.

'Still up to your old tricks, I see.'

'Oh, this?' Wade indicated his bandage. 'This isn't what you think. I'm a good boy now. Well, that's unless Betsy wants me to be naughty...'

'So, the rumours _are_ true.' Weasel nodded in realisation. 'You've shacked yourself up with the X-Men.'

'It's a little more complicated than that, Weas.' Wade explained as he took a seat. 'I'm a teacher now. Drama, believe it or not. We've got a production of Grease planned. I wanted to make a musical about the life of my darling Bea, but it wasn't to last.'

'And you asked me to meet you here, _because...?_'

Wade placed a hand on his buddy's shoulder.

'Weas, I want you to be my best man!'

Weasel spat out his mouthful of beer in surprise.

'You're... getting _married?'_

'You say that like it's a bad thing.' Wade eyed his friend suspiciously. 'You don't think it's gonna last, do you?'

Weasel loosened his collar with an uncomfortable cough.

'Um... it's not that... it's just...'

'Aww, chill out, buddy.' Wade laughed as he clapped Weasel on the back. 'I'm in this for the long run. This isn't a meaningless obsession like Siryn. I really mean it. I love Betsy, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with her.'

'Well, if that's how you feel...' Weasel scratched the back of his beck nervously. 'I guess I don't have any choice but to accept.'

'That's great news!' Wade grinned. 'Just wait until you meet te in-laws! They're gonna love you!'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Weasel Meets The X-Men**

_Exactly what it says on the tin. Weasel meets the X-Men._


	10. Weasel Meets the XMen

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 10: Weasel Meets the X-Men**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**R-Man's Random Fact- **_WWE Diva Torrie Wilson likes to eat whipped cream straight out of the can._

* * *

**Xavier Institute-**

A rather battered-looking car pulled up outside the gates of the Xavier Institute for Higher learning. A red gloved hand reached out and pressed the button for the intercom.

'Sage, it's me.' Wade Wilson spoke into the little metal grille. 'Let me in, let me in!'

'Not by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin.' Sage's tinny voice retorted.

'Just open the damn door, okay?' Wade sighed. 'Unless you want to deny Betsy her chocolate. And you know how Betsy gets when she misses out on her chocolate...'

There was a brief pause before the gates of the Institute swung open. Wade drove up the driveway and parked outside the front door.

'Wow. This is the Xavier Institute, huh?' Weasel, Wade's computer hacker friend, gazed in awe up at the building. 'I've seen it on TV plenty of times, but I've never seen it in person.'

'Oh, it gets better...' Wade grinned as he opened the car's back door and placed a box into Weasel's hands. 'Here, hold this for a sec...'

Weasel put his ear against the box.

'There's something moving in here...'

'That would be another one of Betsy's presents.' Wade explained. 'Well, apart from the ridiculously large amount of chocolate.'

Weasel carefully carried the box into the mansion, following Wade closely. He didn't want to turn a wrong corner and end up confronting Wolverine or something.

'Man, I can't believe you actually teach here.' Weasel shook his head in amazement. 'The old Deadpool that I used to know would never do anything like that.'

'Oh, I'm sure I haven't changed all that much.' Wade chuckled.

'Wade...' Weasel shot his friend a kind-hearted glare. 'You once stabbed me in the leg for the last Cheez Puff.'

'I apologised for that, didn't I?' Wade blinked.

'No, you _didn't _apologise!' Weasel sighed in irritation. 'And they were _my_ Cheez Puffs!'

'That's not how I remember it...' Wade shrugged.

Weasel stopped in his tracks as he passed the door to the rec room.

'Umm, excuse me for asking a stupid question...' The computer hacker frowned. 'But... why is Wolverine being mauled by three small wolf cubs?'

'Why not?' Wade shrugged in response. 'The Sinclair kids need to find their killer instincts sooner or later.'

'You trained them to be your own personal attack squad, didn't you?' Weasel shook his head in disbelief.

'Well, I have to occupy myself somehow now that Betsy's pregnant.' Wade pointed out. 'And how better than training somebody else's kids to attack your enemies?'

'But aren't you afraid of recriminations?' Weasel enquired. 'This _is _Wolverine we're talking about. Anyway, does their mother approve of this?'

'Oh, he thinks he's all that.' Wade scoffed. 'Wolverine isn't the best at what he does anymore. Squirrel Girl is the best at what _anybody _does! I bet the almighty Wolverine hasn't beaten badasses like Doctor Doom or Thanos single-handedly. Who _has _Wolverine beaten? Lame-o's like Sabretooth and Lady Deathstrike. What-_ever!_'

Wade stopped his rant as he heard an excited yapping.

Wade held out his hands as Wanker the yellow Labrador puppy came barrelling towards him and leapt into his arms.

'And hello to you too.' Wade chuckled as the little yellow puppy started to slobber over his face. 'You're a good boy, aren't you? Yes, you are! Wanker's a good boy! Yes, he is! Aren't you gonna say hello to Uncle Weas?'

Wanker stopped licking his master's face to regard the scruffy-looking stranger.

'_Rrrrrr..._'

'Hey, be nice.' Wade told his canine companion. 'That's no way to treat a friend. Is it, Wanker?'

'You called your dog _Wanker?' _Weasel groaned

'It's a little more original than calling him Rover, or Fido.' Wade pointed out. 'Now, come on. We've got X-Men to see...'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

A very heavily pregnant Betsy Braddock was rifling through the kitchen shelves in search of some chocolate.

'Bloody hell...' The purple-haired British mutant grumbled. 'Is one tiny little bar of sodding chocolate too much to bloody well ask for? I'd even settle for half a Milky Bar...'

The sound of excited yapping made Betsy turn around. A grateful smile graced Betsy's lips when she saw Wade enter the room, holding a bar of chocolate aloft like it was the Holy Grail.

'Oh, you are a life saver...' Betsy said as she took the chocolate, unwrapped it, and shovelled it into her mouth. 'Mmm... I needed that.'

'Uh, Cute Buns...?' Wade piped up. 'You've got a little...' Wade indicated the fact that Betsy's mouth was covered in chocolate.

'Oh... Right...' Betsy nodded in understanding as she wiped the chocolate off her lips with the back of her hand, and then licked the chocolate off the back of said hand.

Betsy then noticed the scruffy-looking gentleman standing beside her fiancé.

'Oh, Wade...' Betsy tutted with a shake of her head. 'You haven't been picking up homeless people, have you? I told you, training homeless people to attack your enemies is wrong. It's much funnier to see Wolverine get mauled by children anyway.' weasel's jaw dropped.

'I should be surprised, but I'm not.' The hacker groaned.

'This is Weasel, Bets.' Wade pointed out. 'Remember? My best man? I stabbed him in the leg for the last Cheez Puff once?'

'Oh, I remember him now.' Betsy nodded in recognition. 'So, what you got in the box? Ooh! Is it for me?'

Wade took the box from Weasel and held it out for Betsy to take. Wanker stood up on his hind legs to try and get a better look.

Betsy put the box down on the counter and opened it up. Looking up at her was a little Alsatian puppy.

'Another puppy?' Betsy blinked in surprise. 'Not that I'm ungrateful or anything, but... isn't one enough already?'

'Look at it this way, Cute Buns...' Wade explained himself. 'If I ever get enough money so we can move out and get a place of our own, we'll need a guard dog. Now, as much as I love Wanker, he's as daft as a sack of hammers. Look.'

Betsy looked at the little Labrador pup. Wanker had lost interest in the new arrival and had started to chase his tail.

'I can see what you mean.' Betsy nodded in understanding. 'Now, what are we going to call...' Betsy held the little Alsatian up so she could determine whether it was male or female. '...Her?'

'I was thinking of calling her Chloe.' Wade suggested. 'Y'know, cuz I thought it was a pretty name...'

Betsy held up the new puppy.

'What do you think?' Betsy asked her new canine companion. 'Do you think you look like a Chloe? Hmm, do you?'

The little Alsatian pup simply licked Betsy on the nose.

'I'll take that as a yes.' Betsy grinned as she hugged Chloe close.

'You do realise that getting a new puppy so soon could make the one you already have jealous, right?' Weasel warned the pair.

Sure enough, not too far away, Wanker narrowed his eyes at the new arrival. This was his yard, and no bitch was going to intrude and take away his humans!

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Cable Meets the Puppies**

_He has been faced such foes as Apocalypse, Stryfe, and the Mutant Liberation Front, but now the man known as Cable has to face his most challenging mission... dog-sitting Wanker and Chloe! _


	11. Cable Meets the Puppies

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 11: Cable Meets the Puppies**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_I'm totally cool. I'm totally calm, and I'm totally cool. My calm is only exceeded by my cool. Which is total.'_**- Kitty Pryde (Astonishing X-Men #13)**

* * *

**Xavier Institute-**

It was a pretty quiet time in the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning. No big bads were up to their own tricks. Apocalypse had the common decency to stay dead. Well, the X-Men hoped that he was still dead. Mr Sinister was keeping a low profile, no doubt experimenting on some poor hapless mutant. There was no sign from any Sentinels, either. Although, the government was undoubtably planning something with the latest incarnation of the mutant-hunting robots. That was if you believed the conspiracy theorists. But nobody did anyway.

The wannabe Mutant Messiah and occasional X-Man known as Cable was hanging out with his on-and-off girlfriend Domino. Cable and Dom's definition usually meant kicking the crap out of each other. Both combatants were wearing protective headgear and padded gloves.

Domino aimed a kick at her former lover's head, but Cable easily blocked the attack with his arm.

'It's nice that you chose to join us here at the Xavier institute, Dom.' Cable smirked.

'Just as long as you don't think that this means that we're together again.' Domino stated as she tried for another attack.

'Now, why would I possibly do that?' Cable asked innocently, deflecting Dom's attack again. 'Besides, I wasn't the one that suggested this little training session. Need I remind you what usually happens once we finish?'

'Don't remind me.' Domino rolled her eyes as she deflected one of her opponent's attacks. 'I'm surprised that we spent any time fully dressed at all.'

'Those were the days.' Cable smiled wistfully, once again blocking Domino's attack.

'Well, well. Lookie what we have here. Just when you thought that there was enough sexual tension here...'

Cable turned his head and saw Wade Wilson, the semi-retired Merc-With-A-Mouth, and the Xavier Institute's drama teacher, standing in the doorway of the Danger Room dressed in his best clothes. Standing beside him was the heavily pregnant, but still ravishingly beautiful, Psylocke. She too was dressed in her best clothes. It was quite surprising that there were little black dresses sold in maternity sizes.

Domino took this distraction as her moment of attack. She kicked Cable upside the head.

_**THWAK!**_

'Oh, sorry...' Betsy smiled with faux sweetness. 'Did we interrupt your foreplay?'

'Why does everybody seem convinced that Dom and I are back together?' Cable frowned, rubbing his head.

'Because we know how your mind works, Nate, Old Bean.' Wade grinned.

'Is there something that you needed?' Domino frowned. Nate's former beau never got on all that well with Wade, and as such, she never bothered to conceal her distrust of the former merc.

'There certainly is something that I need, Petey.' Wade answered with a grin. The former merc called Domino 'Petey' due to the fact that the black patch over her eye made her look like a dog, in particular, the one from the Little Rascals.

'It's been a long time since Cute Buns and I went out on a date...' Wade began. 'Well, a date that didn't end up in bloodshed and dismemberment. we can't leave Wanker and Chloe on their own, so... we need some dog-sitters.'

'And Weasel can't do this, _because...?' _Domino groaned.

'Do I really need a reason to ask you guys to do stuff for me?' Wade replied. 'Now, do you wanna look after the puppies, or not? You seem to be looking after Dom's puppies often enough.'

Domino shot Cable with a glare. The silver-haired telepath just looked away and whistled innocently.

'I'll take that as a yes, then.' Wade smiled. 'The puppies are sleeping right now, so don't wake them until their next meal. They'll get cranky otherwise, and you won't like the puppies when they get cranky.'

'You'll both remembered what happened to Logan when we woke them up early.' Betsy stated. 'It wasn't a pretty sight.'

'And watch out for Wanker...' Wade continued. 'He keeps on trying to steal Chloe's food, so you might wanna feed them separately. And if Wanker gets too frisky, just give him his squeaky bone, then he'll calm straight down. Chloe shouldn't be too much trouble, though.'

'Unless you happen to be watching Desperate Housewives.' Betsy pointed out. 'She doesn't like that show at all.'

'Can't say I can blame her...' Wade sniffed. 'I watched five minutes of that show and ended up wanting to gouge out my eyes with a rusty hook.'

'Is that it?' Cable asked.

'I think so.' Wade nodded. 'You have my number if you need anything. Okay, love you! Buh-bye!'

And with that, Wade and Betsy left as quickly as they had arrived.

Domino looked over at Cable.

'Gee, your friends are _super-fun_, aren't they?'

* * *

**Later-**

Cable and Domino were now sitting in the kitchen watching Wanker and Chloe eat from their bowls.

'I don't see what all the fuss is about.' Domino stated as she watched the two puppies eat peacefully. 'The puppies don't seem to be too much trouble.'

'Famous last words, Dom.' Cable pointed out.

Wanker had finished all of the food in his bowl, but wanted more. The little yellow Labrador pup pushed Chloe out of the way and then started to eat her food.

Cable went to move Wanker away so Chloe could eat in peace, but ended up getting bitten on the hand for his trouble.

'Ow! Dammit! That really hurt!' Cable winced as he held his injured hand.

'Oh, don't be such a baby.' Domino tutted as she took a look at the bite mark. 'Look, it hasn't even broken the skin.'

'But it still hurts.' Cable sniffed.

'I suppose you want me to kiss it better.' Domino sighed.

'Would you?' Cable smiled slightly.

Domino just glared at her former lover and picked up Wanker. Luckily, the little Labrador pup didn't bite her.

'Now, that's not fair! You're using your powers on the puppies.' Cable sulked.

'I can't help it if Wanker likes me more than he likes you.' Domino shrugged. 'Now, why don't you take Wanker out to do his business? Then Chloe can eat in peace.'

Cable warily reached out to take Wanker from Domino. Thankfully, the little Labrador pup only let out a little growl, but allowed himself to be picked up and carried outside.

Once Cable had left the room, Domino leant down to speak to Chloe.

'Now that the boys have gone, it's just you and me, Chloe. Just us girls together, huh?'

Chloe cocked her head at the strange white-skinned woman with the black patch over her eye.

'Woof!'

Domino smiled at the little Alsatian pup's reaction.

'That's what I thought.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Wade had chosen to take Betsy to a posh Italian restaurant before the British mutant gave birth. Betsy was getting quite big, and it wouldn't have been long before the twins were due to be born.

Wade looked down at the huge plate on the table before him. He had ordered spaghetti to share with Betsy. There were only a few strands of spaghetti left, and one solitary meatball left on the plate.

Wade bent down and nudged the last meatball towards Betsy with his nose. Betsy just shook her head with a kind-hearted chuckle.

Betsy went to pick up the last meatball when a jolt of pain shot through her.

'_Oh!_'

'Bets, I appreciate pop culture references as much as the next man...' Wade blinked. 'But I don't think that it's the right time or place for that bit from _When Harry Met Sally_...'

'I'm not faking an orgasm, you tit!' Betsy hissed as she placed a hand on a stomach. 'I'm going into labour!'

'But you always said that the Labour Party were a bunch of wankers.' A confused Wade pointed out, oblivious to what was actually happening.

Betsy growled under her breath. Why did she ever allow herself to get knocked up by such an idiot?

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: The Spawn of Deadpool**

_Will Wade twig on to what is going on fast enough to take Betsy to a hospital, or will she have to give birth in the middle of an Italian restaurant? Tune in next time to find out..._


	12. The Spawn of Deadpool

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 12: The Spawn of Deadpool**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Quote of the day- **_'Or, women have decided to take over the world. I knew it was coming, but no-one listens to me.'_**- Spider-Man (Ultimate Spider-Man #92)**

* * *

**The Xavier Institute-**

The front doors to the X-Mansion were kicked open as Wade Wilson carried the heavily pregnant Betsy Braddock in his arms. The pair had, up until recently, been on a date. That was until Betsy had gone into labour halfway through their meal. Wade couldn't risk teleporting her back to the X-Mansion. There was no telling what would have happened to the unborn twins if Betsy had her molecules scrambled.

'Is there a doctor in the house?' Wade yelled desperately. 'Of course there is...' The former merc corrected himself. 'Get your ass out here, McCoy! We've got a medical emergency!'

So sooner had that been said, then Hank McCoy came bounding along the corridor.

'Oh my stars and garters...' The fuzzy blue scientist blinked in surprise. 'What's going on?'

'My backside's fallen off!' Wade retorted sarcastically. 'And I need an emergency ass-ectomy! Betsy's gone into labour, ya big blue doofus! Can't you see that!'

'Just shut up and get me to the bloody infirmary!' Betsy hissed through gritted teeth. 'Or I'll kick _both_ your arses!'

Wade ran off in the direction of the infirmary with Hank close behind.

'Ahhh!' Betsy yelled in pain as she felt another contraction.

'Don't worry, Cute Buns...' Wade reassured the mother of his unborn children. 'We're almost there. Everything will be over soon.'

'It had bloody better be...' Betsy growled. 'Ow, Christ on a bloody bike! Who knew something could be so painful?'

'You've never been kicked in the groin, have you?' Wade chuckled weakly. Betsy didn't even crack the tiniest of smiles.

'Okay, perhaps now isn't the best of times for jokes.' The quasi-sane former merc sighed heavily. 'Right. I'm serious now. See? This is me being serious.'

* * *

**A little while later-**

Wade had finally reached the infirmary and had laid Betsy down on a vacant bed so Hank and the rest of the Institute's medical staff could do their thing. Everybody was dressed in pale blue medieval robes. That included the father-to-be. Unfortunately, Betsy's waters had broken all over Wade's new tux, so he had to change into something clean.

The former merc rubbed his hands together and paced about the infirmary nervously. All of the people that Wade had fought in his long mercenary career combined had never made Wade this nervous. And that list included such people as the Hulk, Wolverine, Taskmaster, and Bullseye.

'Isn't there something that you could do to lessen the pain?' Wade asked. He hated to see Betsy in so much pain.

'We already asked Betsy that, lad...' Moira answered. 'And she doesnae want any drugs. She wants a natural birth.'

'I'm not a bloody junkie...' Betsy panted as she tried to regain her breath before another contraction hit. 'Wade, gimmie your hand...'

Wade was about to do as he was told, but thought better of it. He had seen all sorts of stuff on the television. Whenever the husband-to-be offered a helping hand, the mother-to-be dug her nails into his hand so hard that she practically drew blood.

'Don't be such a bloody pansy!' Betsy snapped. '_Give me your bloody hand!_'

Wade knew better than to disobey, so he offered Betsy his hand so she could have something to hold on to, and sure enough, she dug her nails right in. The pain wasn't all that bad, actually. After you've had your heart ripped out and lost various limbs several times over, a few fingernails digging into your hand didn't really compare.

'That's it, Betts...' Wade kissed Betsy's hand. 'That's the stuff. I'm here. Everything's going to be okay.'

Despite her obvious pain, Betsy smiled up at Wade.

'Thank you.' The purple-haired Brit told him honestly.

'Oh!' Wade pulled his hand away as he remembered something. 'I made you a CD of calming ocean sounds! D'you want me to put it on?'

Betsy's only reply was another yell of pain as she felt yet another contraction run through her body.

'I'll take that as a yes.' Wade smiled as he popped the disc into a nearby player. Unfortunately, when he said that he had made Betsy a CD of calming ocean sounds, he meant it literally. He was making the ocean sounds himself!

'_Fsssssh... Fsssssh... Fsssssh..._' They were supposed to be the sounds of waves crashing against a beach. Wherever there was the sea, there was also seagulls.

'**_CRAAW!! CRAAW!!_**'

'I think that's enough of that...' Hank said as he turned off the CD player. 'As enchanting as your imitations of marine life were, we have more important tissues to attend to.'

'But you didn't get to hear my lighthouse impression.' Wade pouted. 'Or my dolphins!'

'Just humour him, for Christ's sake!' Betsy growled. 'The sooner we get it over with, the sooner we can have quiet!'

Wade smiled thankfully before he continued with his ocean impressions.

'Eeee-ooo... Eeee-ooo... Eeee-eee-eee... Eeee-eee-eee... **_CRAAW!! CRAAW!!_'**

'No bloody seagulls!' Betsy snapped.

'Sorry.' Wade smiled apologetically. Perhaps it would be wise if he kept quiet for now.

* * *

**A few hours later-**

Cable and Domino were sitting outside the infirmary. They had been looking after Wade and Betsy's puppies, Wanker and Chloe. The pair had been fidgeting uncomfortably as soon as Wade and Betsy had arrived home. It was almost as if they would sense their mistress's pain.

Wanker sat in front of the infirmary doors and let out a long whine. Chloe joined him and did the same.

'Isn't there some way to shut up those stupid mutts?' Domino groused. All this whining was starting to give her a headache.

'I thought you were enjoying puppy-sitting.' Cable gave his former beau a cheeky grin.

'Oh, laugh it up.' Domino glared back. 'Just wait until I get you away from here...'

'Promises, promises.' Cable smirked.

'**_WAAAAAHH!!_**'

The two former members of X-Force stopped bickering at the sound of a baby crying.

'_**WAAAAAAAHHH!!'**_

That was the sound of another newborn baby crying. It looked like Wade and Betsy were the proud parents of twins.

Wanker and Chloe picked themselves up off the floor as Wade dashed out of the infirmary to give everybody the good news.

'Well, what are they?' Cable asked.

Wade's eyes were practically brimming with tears of joy.

'They're babies.' The former Merc-With-A-Moth sniffled. 'Two lovely little babies...'

Cable just shook his head at that.

'No, I meant are they boys, girls, or one of both?'

Wade opened his mouth as he tried to search for an answer, but in all the excitement of being a father, he didn't even both to check what sex the twins were.

'_Dammit!_'

* * *

**A short while later-**

Betsy laid back in her bed with a sleepy smile. Her labour had lasted all through the night, and it had thoroughly tired her out. It was worth it in the end though. Hank and Moira had left the infirmary to let the new parents have some time alone with their newborn children.

'God, they're so beautiful...' Betsy smiled sleepily as she held the twins, one boy, and one girl, in her arms. 'I can't believe that we made these tiny little people.'

'I'm surprised that they look so cute.' Wade smiled as he stroked his daughter's cheek. 'Just who they've got as a dad! My face looks like it's been attacked by an angry gang of cheese graters.'

'I think you're handsome.' Betsy comforted her lover. 'Sure, you're not handsome in the conventional sense, but I love you anyway.'

'I love you too, Betts.' Wade smiled as he gave the purple-haired Brit a kiss on the forehead. 'Does that mean we can have sex again?'

'Wade...' Betsy sighed heavily. 'Now _really_ isn't the time. I've got a chuff like a wizard's sleeve, for Christ's sake!'

Wade just giggled childishly.

'Hee-hee. You Brits talk funny.'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Preparations**

_With the babies out of the way, Wade and Betsy turn their attention to organizing their wedding._


	13. Preparations

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 13: Preparations**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Salem Centre-**

In an exclusive-looking clothing boutique somewhere in Salem Centre, Wade Wilson was getting measured for a wedding suit. The former Merc With A Mouth was joined by the wannabe mutant Messiah known as Cable, the scruffy computer hacker known as Weasel, and the feral Canadian mutant known as Wolverine.

'I don't even know why I'm here.' Logan grumbled impatiently, his arms crossed over his chest and a bored scowl on his face. 'It ain't as if we're actually friends.'

'Tis the season to give goodwill to all men, Badger.' Wade pointed out as the tailor took his waist measurements. 'Oh, wait... That's Christmas. Umm... what were you talking about?'

_'And you guys wonder why I'm worried about this whole thing._' Logan spoke through the telepathic link that Cable had set up between himself, Logan, and Weasel. _'Call me over-cautious, but I got a **baaaad **feeling about this whole wedding business.'_

_'Oh, you're still upset that he blew up your bike.' _Weasel pointed out.

_'I'm not going to condone the destruction of private property, but Wade was right in destroying your bike.' _Cable added his two cents.

_'While I was still riding the damn thing?!' _Logan reminded the two men.

Wade frowned at the silence that had fallen upon his three companions.

'Hunh. It's gone awfully quiet all of a sudden.' Wade sniffed as he scratched his ear.

_'Logan, how did you expect Wade to react when your motorbike's engine woke up the twins?' _Cable continued with the telepathic conversation.

_'I still want to know how he managed to fit a rocket launcher under his bed.' _Weasel sighed.

As usual, whenever the people around Wade went off in their little telepathic conversation place, Wade ended up having to entertain himself. This usually meant that Wade started to sing cheesy songs from the late Seventies.

'Doo-doo-doo-doo-dum-dum... my Sharona!'

Cable and the others stopped their telepathic conversation and stared at Wade like he had gone even further into insanity.

'What?' The former mercenary asked innocently. 'Don't you guys like the classics? I could sing something by Sinatra if you want. New York, New _Yoooooorrrrrk...'_

'Please don't sing.' Weasel winced. 'Like, ever.'

'Aww, forget alla you guys.' Wade waved them away. 'You have no taste at all. I could show those American Idol jabronis how it's really done. Okay, the only reason that I'd even think about going on that show is to pop a cap in Simon Cowell's pants-pulled-up-to-his-armpits ass, but that isn't my point...'

Logan pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a long groan.

'Now, look what you've done.' The short and hairy mutant groused. 'You got him babbling again. He's never gonna stop now.'

'I could blow out the back of his head with my telekinesis, if you want.' Cable offered. 'I have done it before. But it would leave the store in a bit of a mess.'

'Yeah, let's do that.' Logan nodded. 'The head-blowing-off thing.'

'Tee-hee.' Wade giggled childishly. 'You said blowing off.'

'I think I'll beat him to death with a foot stool.' Logan growled as he picked up the small item of furniture.

'I don't think that would be a good idea.' Weasel pointed out. 'Betsy'll be real pissed if you kill the groom so close to the wedding day.'

Logan slowly put the stool back on the floor.

'Spoil my fun.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

While the guys were getting measured up for their clothes, the girls hadn't even stepped out of the Xavier Institute. Betsy was sitting at a table with Ororo, Jean, and Domino. They had several bridal magazines set out in front of them. Ororo had cut out several pieces from the magazines and had put them to one side in several different piles, possibilities, and rejects.

'I think we should return to the matter of flowers later...' A tired Ororo rubbed her forehead. 'Now, on to the dress. What colour do you...'

'White.' Betsy quickly answered. Jean laughed out loud at that, earning her a glare from the purple-haired Brit. 'Excuse me?'

'Sorry.' Jean gave the bride-to-be an embarrassed smile. 'It just kind of slipped out.'

'Oh, God. here we go again...' Domino groaned.

'Don't worry, I never touched your precious Scott.' Betsy glowered at the redhead. 'And part of me is grateful. He'd only end up running back to you. How is Madelyne Pryor, by the way?'

'Can't you two go five minutes without making catty remarks at each other?' Domino complained.

Jean was about to tell Betsy where she could stick it when Ororo quickly interrupted.

'Betsy, have Brian and Meggan responded to their invitations?'

'Yes, they're both coming.' Betsy answered. 'Well, I bloody well hope that they do. Brian's going to have to fill in the role of father-of-the-bride.'

'Excuse me for asking a stupid question...' Domino piped up. 'But why am I even here? I don't even like Deadpool. He and I were never exactly the best of friends. Or even casual acquaintances. He keeps on calling me Petey, for crying out loud!'

'Petey?' Ororo blinked. 'As in the dog from _The Little Rascals?'_

'What do you think?' Domino crossed her arms with a scowl.

'Come to that, why are you even staying in the Institute, anyway?' Jean blinked. The redhead then snapped her fingers as she realised why Domino had stayed with the X-Men for a little longer than a simple little bit of combat practice with Cable. 'You still love Nathan!'

'He-heh-heh... You're talking a load of crap!' Domino laughed nervously. 'I'm not interested in Nate any more. We're over.'

'Yeah, right! You're blushing!' Jean teased, pointing at the dark-haired woman's red cheeks.

'You just called him Nate.' Ororo smirked. 'You used to call him that when you two were...'

'Knocking boots?' Jean chipped in.

'Making the beast with two backs?' Betsy added her two cents. Domino just gave the three X-Women identical dirty looks.

'You all suck.'

* * *

**Later-**

_Vroom! Vroom!_

Wade stuck his head under his pillow and cursed under his breath as the sound of Logan's motorbike could be heard outside.

'Doesn't that man have **_any_** decency?' Betsy grumbled as she got up out of bed and headed to the window.

'There are children sleeping in here, you bloody idiot!' The purple-haired telepath yelled. She then turned back to Wade. 'Where did you put the rocket launcher?'

'Too noisy.' Wade's muffled voice came from under the pillow. 'Use the crossbow.'

'You have a crossbow?' Betsy blinked. 'Since when? And why?'

'Since Two-thousand-and-four.' Wade replied. 'All thanks to a little run-in with a certain Dark Lord.'

'Dracula?' Betsy blinked.

'No...' Wade shook his head. 'Simon Cowell.'

**TBC...**

* * *

**Next: Let's Get Drunk!**

_Before the wedding comes the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Giving Deadpool mass quantities of alcohol is never a good thing._


	14. Let's Get Drunk!

**Uncanny Deadpool II  
Chapter 14: Let's Get Drunk!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**The Xavier Institute-**

It was a very special day at the home of the former Merc-With-A-Mouth and his British ninja lady. It was a few days before the pair's wedding. Betsy had decided to have the stag and hen parties a week or two before the actual wedding day in case something happened to the bride herself, or the groom. Betsy didn't want her man to get stranded in the middle of the Savage Land on the day of their wedding. That would have put a bit of a damper on things. That was why the men were staying put while the girls went out. That suited Wade just fine. He wanted to stay in and watch the twins anyway.

Wade was sitting on the sofa absent-mindedly watching the television. He wasn't really paying attention to what was on. He was keeping his ears open for any signs of trouble on the baby monitor. But Weasel and the others had other plans…

'Party! Whoo!' The scruffy-looking computer hacker hooted as he burst through the door with Cable and some of the male X-Men.

'Keep it down, guys!' Wade hissed at the rowdy guys. 'Some of us have got kids trying to sleep upstairs. Isn't that right, Summers?'

Scott removed the noise-maker form his lips and hid it behind his back.

'Uh… sure.'

'C'mon, 'Pool…' Logan encouraged him. 'It's yer bachelor party. don't you wanna celebrate yer last day of freedom?'

'Why are you even here?' Wade frowned. 'You don't even like me.'

'I'm always up fer drinking loads beer.' Logan shrugged. 'Slim's here and he don't exactly rate ya as a buddy.'

'Let's not start an argument here, okay?' Cable tried to calm the situation. 'Okay, so Wade doesn't want to have a party. I guess that just means that he's chicken.'

'Excuse me?' Wade shot the wannabe mutant messiah a withering glare. 'What did you just call me?'

'I believe that Nathan compared you to a flightless fowl known for its cowardice.' Hank chipped in.

'Nobody calls me chicken!' Wade jabbed Cable with a finger. '_Nobody!_ I'll show you who can party! I'll show you all!' And with that the former Merc-With-A-Mouth stormed out of the room.

'...Well, that was easier than I thought.' Cable scratched the back of his neck. 'I didn't think that Wade would cave in so easily.'

'The guy's got an attention span that makes a goldfish look patient.' Scott quipped.

'Now that Wade's out of the room, we can begin the festivities.' Hank rubbed his paws in preparation. 'I just hope that Brian arrives with Wade's special bachelor party gift.'

* * *

**Harry's Hideaway-**

While the boys were doing their thing back in the Institute, the girls were enjoying themselves at the X-Men's local pub. They had celebrated so many special occasions at Harry's that the landlord was I half a mind to give them a discount.

As maid of honour, it was up to Ororo to organise the party. The weather manipulator decided against booking a stripper as that was cliché. There was also the fact that some of the X-Ladies often developed busy hands when they drank a lot. Most of the exotic dancing agencies had blacklisted the X-Men anyway. Nobody would go with them.

'Here's to Betsy's last day of freedom!' Ororo raised her glass in a toast to the purple-haired Brit.

'To Betsy!' The rest of the X-Ladies raised their glasses.

'May God have mercy on her soul.' Jean snickered. 'She is marrying Deadpool, after all.'

'I'll choose to ignore that, thank you.' Betsy sniffed. 'But seriously Jean, marrying Wade won't be all that bad. Sure, he still has his random bouts of insanity, but who doesn't go a little silly every now and then?'

'There's silly, and then there's running through the mansion with a pair of Union Jack boxer shorts on your head screaming that you're Norman the magic goblin.' Domino pointed out.

'Oh, that was only the once.' Betsy rolled her eyes. 'You lot can make fun of my husband-to-be all you want, but you haven't seen him with the twins.'

'Before or after he turns them into trained killers?' Jean quipped again.

'Will ye stop, already?' Theresa sighed. 'That joke stopped bein' funny months ago.'

'I agree with Betsy…' Meggan chipped in to defend her sister-in-law. 'Wade's great with kids. Did I ever tell you that he delivered Betsy Junior?'

'I guess he gets on with kids so well is because he still hasn't grown up.' Betsy suggested. 'I think he enjoys playing with the twins' toys more than they do.'

'You're very lucky to have somebody like Wade.' Ororo congratulated Betsy with a pat on the back. 'It's hard to imagine you with anybody else.'

'Even Warren.' Jean nodded in agreement. 'We were half-expecting you to marry him. But then you had that thing with Neal Sharra, and you died shortly after that.'

'How did you come back, anyway?' A confused Domino asked. 'There didn't seem to be a week going by without somebody coming back from the dead. But now, nothing.'

'Everybody that used to be dead has come back to life, I suppose.' Betsy shrugged. 'I don't know how or why that happened, but I don't really care. I'm just happy that I am alive. If I'd stayed dead, I wouldn't have met Wade, would I?'

Meggan raised her glass to make another toast.

'May you both have many years if happiness and loads more babies.'

The rest of the X-Ladies looked at each other fearfully. Was it such a good idea to encourage Wade and Betsy to have more children?

* * *

**Back at the Institute-**

Brian had arrived back with whatever he had been sent out to get. Wade could barely contain his excitement. He wanted to see what Brian had brought him.

'Ooh! What is it? Drugs? Cuban cigars? Hardcore Swedish porn?'

'Fer cryin' out loud, Braddock…' Logan groaned. 'Just give him the damn stuff.'

'I'd just like to point out that I was against this idea from the start.' Brian sighed as he gave Wade a bottle of bright green liquid. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth just stared blankly at the bottle.

'You brought me some ectoplasm?' Wade blinked in confusion. 'Are you trying to turn me into Slimer, or something?'

'Wade, read the bottle.' Weasel encouraged his friend. 'It's absinthe!'

'We knew that you wouldn't become inebriated after consumption of regular alcohol.' Hank explained. 'Then Brian suggested trying absinthe. Which I find quite ironic seeing that he is in fact tee-total.'

'This stuff is really strong, Wade.' Cable warned him. 'So be careful how much you drink. We don't know how well your healing factor will be able to handle it.'

'Aww, you're all a load of worry-warts.' Wade snorted as he open the bottle of absinthe and chugged it down.

'Ooh, this isn't going to be pretty.' Weasel winced as he watched Wade down the absinthe.

Once he had done, Wade slammed the empty absinthe bottle down on the table and let out an almighty burp.

'_**BRAAAP!!**_'

'Well, what do you think?' Brian asked his future brother-in-law. 'Is it working?'

'I don't feel any different.' Wade shrugged. 'It looks like your plan to get be wasted didn't work. Ha! Behold my superior drinking skills!'

Wade jumped up and started to do a little victory dance.

'Go, Wade! It's your stag party! Go, Wade! It's your…'

That was when the absinthe started to kick in. Wade's knees buckled underneath him and he toppled to the floor.

'Ooh, down I go…'

Everybody winced as Wade narrowly missed knocking over one of Kitty's crystal unicorn figurines.

'Wow. Kitty woulda been pissed if that unicorn got trashed.' Logan winced. 'We're lucky.'

'Tee-hee.' Wade giggled drunkenly from the floor. 'Luck. Sounds kind of rude, doesn't it? It sounds rather like fu…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: You Are Cordially Invited**

_The time has finally come for Wade and Betsy to get married. Will the former Merc-With-A-Mouth recover from his absinthe binge in time? Tune in next time to find out._


	15. You Are Cordially Invited

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 15: You Are Cordially Invited**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**The Xavier Institute-**

It was a very special day at the home of the X-Men, it was Wade Wilson and Betsy Braddock's wedding day. Wade, the groom was in a spare room preparing for the big ceremony with his two best men: Nathan Summers, and Weasel.

'Whoever thought that we would see the day when Wade gets married.' Weasel smirked. 'To an X-Man, no less. We always thought you were going to end up with Siryn.'

'Oh, I'm totally over her.' Wade waved his friend's comments away. 'I've only got eyes for Cute Buns now.'

'You mean Betsy, right?' Weasel blinked in confusion.

'Who else would he be talking about, Weasel?' Nate responded.

'Uh, Bea Arthur?' The scruffy-looking hacker suggested. 'Or does she still have that restraining order out on him?'

'Oh, you just laugh it up, Weas.' Wade retorted. 'Just you wait and see. I'll show everybody that I'm serious about this relationship.'

'We never said that we doubted your relationship with Betsy.' Nate pointed out. 'The twins are evidence enough, surely.'

'At least somebody has faith in me.' Wade sniffed as he adjusted his belt. 'Unlike my _alleged _friend.'

'Aww, man…' Weasel groaned. 'You're not going to get pissy about it, are you?'

'You did insult the man on his wedding day, Weas.' Nate explained.

'Insult?' Weasel spluttered. 'How did you make that out?'

'It doesn't matter, any way.' Nate shook his head. 'Come on, we have to get outside before the ceremony starts.'

Weasel wisely chose to keep quiet. He didn't want to make the situation worse, especially on his friend's big day.

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

Not far away from where Wade was preparing for the biggest day of his life, his bride-to-be was doing the same. Betsy Braddock was in another spare room with Meggan Braddock, her sister-in-law and maid of honour. They were also in the room with Ororo Munroe, and Jean Grey, the two bridesmaids, and Betsy Junior, Meggan's daughter and flower girl.

'You must be nervous on your big day.' Jean noticed as she helped Betsy make some last-minute alterations on her wedding dress. 'I know that I was nervous when I married Scott.'

'Nervous isn't the half of it.' Betsy chuckled nervously as she adjusted her hold on Bea, one of the twins. Meggan and Betsy Junior were looking after Arthur, the other twin. 'Look at my hand, this is how nervous I am.'

Betsy held out her right hand. It was perfectly still.

'There's nothing wrong with your hand, Betsy.' Ororo pointed out.

'Look at my other hand…' Betsy told the wind-rider as she readjusted her hold on Bea again and held out her left hand. It was shaking all over.

'Well, I'm sure that you have nothing to worry about.' Meggan chipped in. 'Wade loves you. What's the worst than can happen?'

'One of his old enemies attacks the mansion and tries to kill him?' Jean suggested. That earned the redhead a glare from the bride-to-be.

'Not helping!'

Fortunately, Betsy was spared from any more embarrassment when somebody knocked on the door. Betsy Junior hopped off her chair and went to answer it. It was Brian, Betsy Senior's brother, Betsy Junior's father, and the acting father of the bride. Betsy and Brian's parents were no longer amongst the living, so the elder Braddock twin had taken the role of escorting the bride down the aisle.

'Hello, daddy.' Betsy Junior smiled as she gave her father a big hug. 'Are you ready to take Auntie Betsy?'

'That's why I'm here.' Brian smiled as he picked up his daughter and kissed her on the forehead. 'Is she ready?'

'Uh-huh.' Betsy Junior nodded as Brian put her back down. 'Auntie Jean and Auntie 'Ro are just finishing the dress.'

Brian peered in to the room to get a look at Betsy's dress. The sight of his sister in her wedding dress took his breath away.

'Wow. You look… beautiful.' Brian smiled proudly. 'Wade is one lucky man.'

'Oh, stop it.' Betsy blushed slightly. 'No, on second thoughts, carry on.'

Meggan and the bridal party gathered their things up and followed Brian out of the room as he led Betsy outside to the waiting guests.

* * *

**Outside-**

Wade was waiting outside the mansion with Nate and Weasel. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth shifted his feet nervously. He looked back at the mansion to see if Betsy had come out, but turned to Nate when he saw that she was still inside.

'What time is it?' Wade asked the wannabe mutant Messiah.

'Two minutes after the last time you asked.' Nate sighed. 'Don't worry, Betsy will be out soon. Don't panic.'

Wade breathed a sigh of relief when the band started to play the wedding march as Brian escorted Betsy down the aisle.

Wade smiled at his bride-to-be, who smiled in return. Then the priest started the ceremony.

'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Wade Wilson and Elizabeth Braddock. Now, before I continue, is there anybody who has reason why these two people may not be joined in holy matrimony? May they speak now, or forever hold their peace.'

'Stop the wedding! Stop the wedding!'

A shocked murmur spread around the wedding guests as a strange woman ran towards them brandishing a piece of paper.

'Stop this ceremony!' The woman yelled as she waved the piece of paper about. 'This man is already married! To me!'

The shocked congregation all turned towards Wade, who looked as shocked as they did. They then turned back to the strange woman.

'Uh, does anyone know who this woman is?' Weasel asked out loud. Everyone looked at each other and murmured to each other.

'There's no use in him denying it!' The strange woman continued. 'I have the wedding certificate right here!'

Then something began to dawn on the strange woman as she looked around at the congregation.

'Oh…' The woman blinked in embarrassment. 'Wrong wedding. Sorry.'

The congregation turned back to Wade, who had passed out on the floor.

'Do you wish me to continue?' The priest asked once the strange woman had walked away and Nate had helped Wade back to his feet.

'I think that might be a good idea.' Betsy nodded. 'Before something else crazy happens.'

The priest then cleared his throat before continuing.

'Wade Wilson, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife…?'

* * *

**Later-**

The actual ceremony had ended, and everybody was no in the large marquee where the reception was taking place. The guests were milling about, dancing on the dance floor, or just generally talking amongst each other. It was quite a luxurious-looking wedding. This was no cheap-looking wedding with finger food bought from the local store. Everything was hand made. Meggan insisted that she made the food herself. Her Balti slices were especially popular.

'Meggan, quick! We need more Balti slices!' Jean called as she ran up to the blonde empath. '_Please_ tell me that we've got some more! I think we might have a riot on our hands if we're all out.'

'Don't worry.' Meggan reassured her. 'I made plenty. Go get one or two trays from the fridge.'

Jean nodded in understanding and headed back inside to get some more supplies.

'I dinnaeget it…' Rahne frowned as she picked up a tray of chicken wings. 'Nobody's been eating my special ribs.'

'I guess that some of us are more culinary-inclined than others.' Meggan smiled.

'But I used Jack Daniels glaze.' Rahne shook her head as she put her tray of ribs back on the table. 'Everybody loves Jack Daniels glaze.'

'Did you remember to mix in some honey with your glaze?' Meggan asked.

'I was supposed tae put honey in with the glaze?' Rahne blinked in confusion. Then it dawned on her. 'Oh.'

'Mine!'

Rahne blinked in surprise as Seth, one of her triplets, climbed up onto the table and grabbed a handful of ribs.

'Seth! Get down from the table!' Rahne ordered her son. 'And put those ribs back, they're for grown-ups!'

'No! Mine!' Seth stuck his tongue out in response and ran away.

'Ye'll have to excuse me.' Rahne smiled apologetically. 'He's going through his '_mine_' phase.'

Meggan chuckled in understanding and moved away to mingle with the crowd.

Not far away, the happy couple were talking to Warren Worthington, Betsy's ex.

'Well, I have to tell you that this is some party that you guys have out on.' Warren smiled in approval as he finished off his glass of champagne.

'What's the mater, Wings?' Wade grinned mischievously. 'You jealous that I nabbed your woman?' Warren just rolled his eyes.

'Wade!' Betsy elbowed her new husband in the ribs. 'Stop that!'

Wade then started to dance about.

'Go, Wade! Go, Wade! It's your wedding day! Go, Wade!'

'I'm so sorry about this, Warren.' Betsy grimaced at her husband's attempts at a victory dance. 'I think it must be the remnants of that bottle of absinthe that he downed on his stag party.'

'Yeah, I heard about that.' Warren nodded. 'It's a pity that I wasn't there, though. But I guess it was a good thing that I didn't get invited, being an ex and all.'

Betsy just smiled at that.

'So, how are you and Paige getting on?' The purple-haired telepath asked. 'Y'know… Are you still… _on a break?_'

'We're fine, thank you.' Warren responded. 'I just think it was time for the relationship to end. We didn't seem that we were right for each other.'

'I'll say!' Wade laughed. 'Who did you think you were dating a girl that much younger, Pete Wisdom?'

Warren chose to ignore that comment, and Betsy simply groaned.

'So, where are you going for your honeymoon? Anywhere nice?'

'I don't think we're going on our honeymoon just yet.' Betsy shook her head. 'Not when we still have two young children.'

'But you have to have a honeymoon.' Domino chipped in as she walked up beside Warren. 'If only so we can get rid of Wade for a few weeks. I suppose somebody'll be more than happy to look after the twins.'

'And I love you too, Petey.' Wade stuck his tongue out in response.

Domino just turned to Betsy.

'I think you'd better throw the bouquet.' The pale-skinned mutant stated. 'I think everybody's getting antsy.'

'And I suppose that has nothing to do with the fact that you want to get the bouquet for yourself, does it?' Betsy smirked.

'I have no idea what you're talking about.' Domino smiled, her eyes darting about nervously.

'Mine!'

'What the-?!' Betsy jumped back in surprise as Seth Sinclair snatched the bouquet out of her hands and ran off with it.

'Give that bouquet back, kid!' Domino yelled after the young werewolf. 'That's my bouquet! _**Mine!**_'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: HYDRA Honeymoon**

_Wade and Betsy head off on a Caribbean cruise for their honeymoon, only for the joyous occasion to be spoilt by the unwanted presence of the forces of HYDRA._


	16. HYDRA Honeymoon: Part 1

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 16: HYDRA Honeymoon- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Somewhere in the Caribbean-**

On a cruise ship somewhere in the Caribbean, Wade Wilson and Betsy Braddock were enjoying their honeymoon. The newlyweds had left their twin children at home at the Xavier Institute. They didn't have any problem finding somebody to look after Bea and Arthur for the week or two that they would be away.

The pair walked hand in hand along the deck of the ship enjoying the beauty of the night sky. The sea was perfectly calm, reflecting the moon with nary a ripple.

'Look at the view.' Betsy smiled as she stopped and leant against the railing to take a look at the moon hanging high up in the sky. 'It's perfect.'

'And the view over here isn't all that bad, either.' Wade grinned as he put his arms around his new wife's waist and pulled her close. 'What do you say we go back to our cabin and carry on the celebrations there?'

'Oh, you are incorrigible, Wade Wilson.' Betsy laughed as she gave her husband a playful push.

'I don't hear a no.' Wade pointed out.

'Come along, you.' Betsy rolled her eyes as she took Wade's hand in hers and pulled him in the direction of their cabin.

Unseen by the two newlyweds, several small boats were approaching the cruise liner. They were quite some distance away, but gaining rapidly. The men in the control room knew all about the smaller boats as soon as they came within radio range.

'I can't raise those boats on the radio, sir.' The communications officer told the captain of the cruise liner. 'Maybe their radios are out, if they even have radios at all.'

'Or perhaps they're trying to ignore us.' The captain guessed. 'These waters aren't designated for fishing. We might as well go around them. There's no need to cause a fuss. The guests came onboard to enjoy themselves, not to get involved in a dispute over fishing rights.' The captain turned to the helmsman. 'Slow us down to twenty-five knots and sound a warning.'

'Aye, sir.' The helmsman nodded before doing as he was told.

'Sir, should we alert the Coast Guard?' The communications officer wondered. 'Those boats could be doing something different than illegal fishing. What if they're smuggling drugs?'

'Hold off making the call until we're back on course.' The captain responded. 'There's no need to make them think that we suspect them of anything.'

The captain frowned as he heard a something that sounded suspiciously like somebody throwing grappling hooks against the hull.

'Sir…?' The communications officer asked. 'Perhaps now would be a good time to alert the Coast Guard…'

The communications officer barely had time to pick up his radio receiver when somebody burst in through the door to the control room and opened fire, using silencers to keep their weapons as quiet a spossible. Within seconds, the command crew were all dead. The gun-toting attackers all punched the air at once.

'Hail HYDRA!'

* * *

**Wade and Betsy's cabin-**

Unaware of the happenings in the control cabin, Wade and Betsy were getting down to the fun part of the honeymoon. The purple-haired telepath was lying in bed while her new husband pottered around in the bathroom.

'Hurry up, will you, Wade?' Betsy grumbled as she propped herself up on her shoulder. 'There's only so much waiting a lady can take.'

'You know how the saying goes, Cute Buns…' Wade chuckled from the bathroom. 'Anticipation can only heighten the pleasure.'

Betsy was about to tell Wade where he could stick his anticipation when the sound of gunfire and screaming came from outside their cabin.

Wade came running out of the bathroom at the sound of the commotion, dressed in nothing but his underpants.

'What the hell?' The former Merc-With-A-Mouth frowned. 'I didn't accidentally book us places on the Redneck cruise, did I?'

'I looks like sexy time is off the menu, luv.' Betsy sighed as she got up out of bed dressed in frilly negligee.

Wade snapped his fingers as an idea started to develop in his brain.

'Wait a sec, don't get out of bed, just yet, Betts.' Wade told his wife. 'I've got an idea…'

Betsy did as she was told and got back into bed while Wade ducked back into the bathroom just in time for a HYDRA Agent to come shoot out the lock of the door and come bursting in. The green-and-yellow-clad soldier stopped in his tracks once he saw the scantily-clad woman lying on the bed. Wade took the guy's momentary distraction as his time to attack and burst out of the bathroom, taking him down with a swift punch to the face.

'I don't see why I couldn't have done that.' Betsy grumbled as she got out of bed again. 'Was it really necessary to use me as bait? Y'know, having him ogling me like a piece of meat.'

'The plan wouldn't have worked if I was the one lying on the bed, would it?' Wade snickered as he frisked the HYDRA agent for anything that might tell him why he was there. 'Y'know, unless he liked that kind of thing.'

'Here, let me get that…' Betsy offered as she knelt down beside the unconscious HYDRA agent. 'We don't have time to frisk him for information. I'm going to use my telepathy to find out what's going on.'

'If that's what you want.' Wade shrugged as he looked through the agent's wallet. 'I'm sorry about this… Bob.' The ex-mercenary sighed as he read the guy's driving license while Betsy did her thing. 'But the lady doesn't like it when people interrupt her sexy time.'

Betsy stumbled back in shock.

'Oh, God…'

'What is it, Betts?' Wade asked concernedly. 'What's going on?'

'They're going to plant a nuclear bomb on the ship.' Betsy stammered, somewhat spooked. 'And they're going to blow it up if the US Government doesn't bow to their commands.'

'Oh, that's just beautiful.' Wade grumbled as he hefted the unconscious HYDRA agent up on to his shoulders. 'Thanks a bunch, Bob! I came here looking to have a nice peaceful honeymoon, now I'm going to end up getting all blowed up.'

'Uh, Wade…' Betsy blinked in confusion. 'What are you doing?'

'Well, we need somebody to show us how to defuse the bomb, don't we?' Wade smirked. 'And barring that, he can make a handy-dandy human shield.'

'Before we go out there and start kicking some arse, I'm going to get dressed.' Betsy said as she pulled her 'work clothes' out of her suitcase. 'I don't think Ororo would appreciate it if I got bloodstains all over the expensive sexy knickers she bought me.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: HYDRA Honeymoon- Part 2**

_Wade and Betsy take on the forces of HYDRA and get to know Bob, Agent of HYDRA a litle better._


	17. HYDRA Honeymoon: Part 2

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 17: HYDRA Honeymoon- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

* * *

**Somewhere in the Caribbean-**

Elizabeth Braddock wasn't a happy bunny. She and hew new husband had come on a romantic Caribbean cruise for their honeymoon, only for everything to be spoilt by a gang of HYDRA agents dropping in.

Betsy was dressed in her usual skimpy purple outfit that she used whenever she went off on missions with the X-Men. The purple-haired Brit was surprised that she could still fit in the ensemble what with all the weight she had put on when she was carrying the twins.

'I really wish that you'd put him down.' Betsy sighed, indicating the unconscious HYDRA agent that her husband, the former Merc-With-A-Mouth known as Deadpool, was carrying on his shoulders.

'Aww, do I have to?' Deadpool pouted as he carefully snuck along the cruise ship's abandoned corridors. 'I always wanted my own pet Agent of HYDRA.'

Betsy was about to make a witty retort when her telepathy alerted her to the presence of more HYDRA agents. She ducked into an alcove and motioned for Wade to follow her.

Unaware of the presence of the two heroes, two HYDRA agents strolled right past their hiding place. That was when Wade made his attack. The red-and-black-clad ex-mercenary leapt out of the shadows and grabbed one of the guards by the neck, giving it a quick twist. Before the second guard could even place on hand on his gun, Wade opened fire with the dead agent's gun.

_**BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**_

'Well, there goes the element of surprise.' Betsy sighed as she propped the unconscious Bob against a wall. Then she noticed that her husband was searching through the fallen guards' pockets.

'It isn't enough that you had to kill these guys, now you have to steal their stuff?' The British telepath sighed.

'Well, not all of us have fancy-chancy mind powers, you know, Cute Buns.' Wade answered as he tucked the agents' guns into his belt. 'I told you that it was a bad idea to leave all my guns at home.'

'Can we just get this over with?' Betsy rolled her eyes as Wade picked Bob back up and slung him over his shoulders. 'I'd very much like to enjoy this honeymoon while there's anything left to enjoy.'

'What, don't you call killing bad guys fun?' Wade responded as he headed off back down the corridor. 'Hell, I bet Jean and Scott's honeymoon wasn't as exciting as this. A badly-drawn four issue mini-series, perhaps. But I bet it wasn't fun.' **(1)**

* * *

**A little later-**

It didn't take the two heroes and their captive HYDRA agent very long to find the boiler room where the nuclear bomb was being hidden. Any HYDRA agents that they pair had happened across were more than happy to help them on their way once Betsy threatened to use her Psychic Knife on them.

The pair carefully peeked around a corner. They saw a squad of six HYDRA agents. One of them was talking to the President on a laptop computer screen that another agent was holding. He must have been their leader.

'Sounds like they're making their demands.' Wade whispered to his wife. 'The Pres has got two hours to answer their demands before they detonate the nuke and we're all blown into itty-bitty pieces.'

'I think they want money.' Betsy stated. 'Not the most imaginative bunch, are they?'

Wade was about to say something in reply when Bob started to regain consciousness.

'_Oooh…_'

'What was that?' The lead HYDRA agent spun around to look in Wade and Betsy's direction.

'_**HAIL HY**_-_Mmmph!_' Bob started to yell before Wade clamped his hand over his mouth.

'Show yourselves!' The lead HYDRA agent demanded as the other five took out their guns. 'Don't try to do anything foolish.'

'What, like this?' Wade retorted as he dropped Bob and pulled out his guns. The red-and-black-clad ex-mercenary leapt out of his hiding place and opened fire on the HYDRA agents, taking down three of the agents before taking cover behind some barrels. **(2)**

Betsy then went on the attack. The purple-haired telepath leapt into the air and came down on the lead HYDRA agent Psychic-Knife-first. The two remaining HYDRA agents standing to either side of her opened fire on her. Betsy easily avoided the agents' barrage of bullets as she leapt up into the air again, making the bad guys shoot each other.

'God, I am so hot for you right now…' Wade sighed dreamily as he stood up from behind the barrels that he had taken cover behind.

'Uh, Wade. Bob's getting away…' Betsy pointed out as she indicated the fleeing Bob, Agent of HYDRA. She winced as she watched her husband take aim on the green-clad former captive. 'Don't kill him! We still need him to defuse the bomb!'

'Oh, please, Cute Buns…' Wade grinned assuredly at his wife as he shot Bob in the leg, without even looking at him. 'Trust me.'

'Ahh! Geez!' Bob grimaced as he rolled about on the floor, clutching his wounded knee. 'What is your problem, man? You shot me in the freaking knee!'

'Just think yourself lucky that I didn't sic the missus on you…' Wade retorted as he walked over to the fallen HYDRA agent and dragged him over to where the nuclear bomb was ticking away. 'Now, be a dear and defuse this nuke, will you?'

'What's in it for me?' Bob spat back. 'Why do I have to do what you tell me?'

'Perhaps my husband didn't make himself clear…' Betsy growled as she advanced on Bob, her hand glowing purple as she started to manifest her Psychic Knife. 'You don't want me to use this, trust me. I'm in no mood for finesse.'

Bob knew better than to argue with an angry telepath, so he went about defusing the nuclear bomb.

* * *

**Later-**

With the nuclear bomb safely defused, and the HYDRA agents defeated, SHIELD agents flew in to tidy things up. Wade and Betsy watched as the remaining HYDRA agents were escorted away by Nick Fury's finest.

'Well, this honeymoon wasn't quite what I expected.' Betsy stated. 'I thought that we were going to spend the two weeks in our cabin.'

'There'll be time for that once we get back home.' Wade smiled as he put his arm around her shoulders.

'Can I come out now?' Bob's muffled voice dried out from within a trunk standing beside the two heroes. 'I can hardly breath in this thing!' Wade simply gave the trunk a kick in response.

'Quiet, you!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The New Babysitter**

_Who is Bea and Arthur's new babysitter? Bob: Agent of HYDRA? Is Deadpool insane? Okay, silly question…_

* * *

**Author's Notes- **

**(1)- **_Wade is referring to _'The Adventures of Cyclops and Phoenix'_, where a honeymooning Scott Summers and Jean Grey were transported two thousand years into the future._

**(2)- **_Just think of every gunfight in every movie that John Woo has ever made. The hero always jumps about firing his guns in slow-motion._


	18. The New Babysitter

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 18: The New Babysitter**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'I call the big one Bitey.'_**- Homer Simpson**

* * *

**The Xavier Institute For Higher Learning-**

The pale-skinned luck-manipulating mutant known as Domino paced her bedroom singing softly to the baby girl that she was holding in her arms. The baby wasn't hers, however. Domino was babysitting the twin Wilson children, Bea and Arthur, for Wade and Betsy, the twins' parents.

'Wow, Dom. I never knew you had such a lovely singing voice.' The time-lost leader of X-Force known as Cable smirked as he gently held a baby boy in his arms.

'You tell anybody and I'll kill you.' Domino retorted, shooting her lover a wary glare.

'Auntie Dom's only kidding.' Cable chuckled as he tickled Arthur under his chin, eliciting a gurgle of joy from the baby boy. 'Besides, who else would get to act as back-up when she's looking after you and your sister?'

'Ubba! Ubba!' Bea gurgled, waving her hands in the direction of the window. The little girl's eyes were starting to glow purple. Cable and Domino's jaws both dropped at the sight.

'Okay, correct me if I'm wrong, but babies don't usually do that, do they?' Domino blinked in confusion.

'Well, Hank did have a theory that more mutant children were starting to manifest their powers at birth.' Cable suggested. 'Perhaps Bea has started to develop telepathy.' **(1)**

'But why not Arthur?' Domino asked. 'He's her twin, surely he should be manifesting the same powers.'

'Not necessarily…' Cable responded. 'Betsy's a twin too, but she doesn't have the same powers as her brother.' **(2)**

Bea started to fidget about. It was getting difficult for Domino to hold on to her.

'Ubba! Ubba!' Bea repeated. The little girl was starting to get rather upset. Her eyes were welling up with tears.

'I think I know why she's so desperate to get to the window.' Cable guessed as he saw a cab pull up outside. 'Wade and Betsy have just arrived.'

Domino looked at the little baby girl in her hands. Did Bea just foresee the arrival of her parents minutes before the cab carrying them actually pulled up outside?

'I think we'd better take the twins downstairs.' Domino suggested. 'Bea's getting really upset. I think she wants to see her parents.'

'Ubba! _Ubbaaaa!' _Bea cried.

Cable just nodded in reply and followed Domino out of the room carrying Arthur along with him.

**

* * *

**

**Downstairs-**

Betsy Braddock, or Wilson as she was now known, breathed a sigh of relief as she stepped over the threshold of the mansion that she called home. Her honeymoon had been quite an eventful one, what with the business with HYDRA attacking the cruise liner that she and Wade were travelling on. **(3)**

Betsy's face lit up as she saw Domino and Cable carrying the twins down the stairs.

'Ubba! Ubba!' Bea gurgled excitedly, holding her hands out towards her mother.

'Hey there, Poppet.' Betsy smiled lovingly at her infant daughter. 'Have you and your brother been good for Uncle Nate and Auntie Dom?'

'There were a few tears once you'd gone, but we soon got them to calm down.' Cable responded. 'We heard what happened on the news. Are you both okay?'

'Never been better.' Betsy responded with a chuckle. 'It's amazing how relaxing it can be to kick the shite out of terrorists on your honeymoon.'

'Where's Wade?' Domino asked, looking over Betsy's shoulder. 'I would have thought that he'd be the first one through that door.'

'He's just bringing the luggage in.' Betsy answered.

Just at that precise moment, Wade walked in carrying a rather large trunk.

'Honey, I'm home!' The former Merc-With-A-Mouth crowed as he unceremoniously dumped the trunk on the floor.

'_Ow!_' A muffled voice cursed from inside the trunk.

'Did that trunk just speak?' Domino blinked in surprise. Betsy just shook her head with a heavy sigh.

'Don't ask.' The purple-haired Brit grimaced.

Cable already knew what was going on.

'Wade, tell me you didn't do what I think you did…' The wannabe mutant Messiah groaned.

'What?' Domino asked. 'Why are you looking like that, Nate? It isn't like Wade's got a HYDRA agent locked in that trunk or anything, is it?'

Wade just opened up the drunk and threw the lid open.

'Everybody say hello to Bob, agent of HYDRA!' The quasi-sane ex-mercenary grinned proudly, indicated the crumpled figure dressed in green and yellow.

'Please…' Bob gasped for breath. 'Help me. This man is nuts! He shot me in the leg and locked me in this trunk! I could hardly breathe in there!'

Domino held her head in her hands and let out a long sigh.

'I hate it when I'm right.'

* * *

**A little later-**

Betsy had put the twins to bed before joining the others in the kitchen. Bob, the agent of HYDRA that Wade had captured, was tied to a chair.

'I can't say how stupid this idea of yours is, Wilson!' Domino threw her hands up in exasperation. 'You actually let a terrorist in the same building as your children?! Only you, Wilson! Only you! why am I not surprised that I'd do this? You'd gice C4 to a mad bomber!'

'Aww, come on, Petey.' Wade responded. 'Give the guy a rest. It's not like he was doing anything wrong!'

'Wade, he was planning on detonating a nuclear bomb on a cruise liner full of people.' Cable pointed out. 'I wouldn't exactly call that innocent behaviour, would you?'

'Just wait until Logan finds out…' Domino shook her head. 'You'll be out of the Institute so quickly that your tenthly spin.'

'Umm, if I can say something in my defence?' Bob offered weakly. 'I did help to defuse the nuke in the end.' He then gru,mbled and muttered soemthing under his breath. 'Mostly because the scary ninja lady threatened me.'

'Oh, and that make sit all better, does it?' Domino laughed in derision. 'You can't make amends at the drop of a hat!'

'Not that I condone Wade's actions or anything…' Betsy chipped in. 'But just think of it as offering Bob a second chance. Look how many times Xavier has given people second chances. Juggernaut, Mystique, Emma frost. They all used to be enemies, but now they're friends. Why can't we say the same about Bob?'

'Hey, what's all the hubbub?' Weasel, Wade's hacker friend, asked as he stopped in the doorway carrying a great big bag of popcorn. 'I was gonna watch some Battlestar Galactica, but this looks much more fun.'

The scruffy-looking computer's jaw dropped once he saw who was tied to the chair.

'Umm.. Why is there an agent of HYDRA tied up in the kitchen?'

'New babysitter.' Wade responded matter-of-factly. Weasel just nodded dimly.

'...Oh.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Death By Nail Gun**

_Wade kills some ninjas with a nail gun. 'Nuff said!_

* * *

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_Hank made his theory about mutant children manifesting their powers during birth in '_Uncanny X-Men' _after Marie LeBeau (Rogue and Gambit's daughter) started to show her own powers._

**(2)- **_Cable is, of course, referring to Betsy's twin brother Brian Braddock, aka Captain Britain._

**(3)- **_All the business with HYDRA happened in the last chapter._


	19. Death By Nail Gun

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 19: Death By Nail Gun**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__Put... the bunny... back in the box.' _**- Nicholas Cage as Cameron Poe (Con Air)**

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning-**

Down in the lower levels of the Xavier Institute, somebody was preparing for war. Well, it certainly looked that way with blueprints strewn all over the table.

'Bob, your position is at Point A.' Wade Wilson, the former Merc-With-A-Mouth told the ex-HYDRA agent as he indicated a spot on the blueprint in front of him with a wooden pointer. 'Nate, and Weas, you're on points B and C, respectively.'

'Uhh… Wade? You do realise that we're only making a tree house, right?' Bob scratched the back of his head.' And y'know, not planning the D-Day landing or anything.'

Wade adjusted the army helmet atop his head and glared at Bob.

'What did I tell you about interrupting?' The quasi-sane former merc warned, tapping his hand with the pointer menacingly. 'Or do I have to discipline you again?'

As if to prove his point, Wade reached down and placed Wanker, his little Labrador puppy on the table. The little yellow dog just cocked his head at Bob curiously.

'Underneath Wanker's seemingly docile demeanour lurks a ravenous beast craving the taste of human flesh!' Wade explained, tapping the puppy on the head with the pointer. 'He's been trained to kill at the utterance of one word.'

'Oh, God…' Weasel groaned into his hands. 'Here we go again.'

Wade ignored his friend's complaints and continued with the threats.

'Chimichanga!' Wade commanded with a wave of his pointer. Wanker didn't move an inch. The Labrador pup continued to sit on his haunches, wagging his tail happily.

'Chimichanga! Chimichanga!' Wade repeated, trying desperately to get his pet to do as he commanded, but to no avail. Wanker had long since lost interest in the silly humans and started to chase his tail.

'Aww, screw it!' Wade grumbled, throwing his pointer over his shoulder. 'Let's make this freaking tree house already.'

'Why are you helping here, Cable?' Bob asked the future-born mutant. 'Don't you find this... kind of silly?'

'It's for his children.' Cable shrugged. Bob's jaw dropped at the revelation.

'That man has kids?' Boh jerked his thumb at Deadpool. Nate nodded in confirmation.

'Believe me, we still can't believe it.'

* * *

**A little later-**

Wade had gathered everybody else in the Institute grounds. They had selected a tree that would be suitable to house the tree house, and just about to start building. They had acquired plenty of wood and loads of power tools to do the job. It would have been much easier if Nate had used his telekinesis, but nowhere near as fun.

Wade had discarded his army helmet and had changed into a blue checked shirt, jeans, and a bright yellow tool belt. He looked like something out of '_Home Improvement'_.

'So, where do we start?' Weasel asked as he studied the tree house's blueprints. 'I think it would be a good idea to start with the floor.'

'We'll need plenty of supports to keep the floor steady.' Nate agreed. 'Otherwise the whole thing will fall to pieces.'

'Nate, I think you're forgetting the most important thing about building a tree house…' Wade chipped in.

'What would that be, Wade?' The silver-haired telekinetic frowned. 'We've got enough nails, haven't we?'

'All the power tools are fully charged.' Bob joined in. 'No chance of them running out of power halfway through the job.'

'You're both wrong.' Wade shook his head. 'The most important thing about building any sort of structure is... the tea break!' The ex-gun-for-hire grinned happily as he brandished a flask full of tea. 'I've got plenty of biscuits too. Jammy Dodger and Hobnobs, whatever you want.'

Unfortunately, the group would never get to drink any of the tea as a throwing star flew through the air and punctured a hole in the flask, spraying the hot liquid contents all over.

'My tea!' Wade exclaimed in shock. 'What sort of monster ruined my tea?'

'I think that it would be a bunch on ninjas.' Weasel replied matter-of-factly.

'Why, what makes you think that, Weas?' Wade asked innocently.

'The fact that we're surrounded by a whole load of people dressed in black pyjamas.' The scruffy-looking hacker yelped, looking around. 'I kind of doubt that they're here for a sleepover.'

'Well, what are we going to do?' Bob gulped nervously as he started to back up against the tree. 'We haven't got any weapons. Well, Cable's got his powers, but what can the rest of us possibly do against a hoard of ninjas? I stay here for the health plan. I didn't expect to use it so soon.'

'We do what we're best at.' Wade grinned as he clobbered one of the ninjas over the head with the remains of his flask. 'Namely, improvise!'

And that was that. What started out to be a peaceful day building a tree house for the twins turned into a free-for-all against dozens of ninjas. Katanas were slicing, throwing stars were flying, and power tools were being used in ways that they were not designed for.

_**VREEE! VREEE!**_

'The Army of Darkness ain't got nothing on me.' Wade grinned as he tore through the ninjas with a buzzsaw. 'Hail to the king, baby!'

'How come he gets all the good toys?' Bob grumbled as he clobbered one of the ninjas on the head with a hammer.

'Let Wade have his fun.' Weasel advised the ex-HYDRA agent sagely as he stabbed another ninja in the arm with a chisel. 'I'm fine right here, thank you. Besides, a buzzsaw against ninjas? Kind of messy, don't you think?'

'Good point.' Bob conceded as he stabbed a ninja in the leg with a screwdriver. 'How many of these guys _are_ there, anyway?'

'There are Thirty-three ninjas left.' Nate responded as he slammed a ninja to the ground with his telekinesis. 'Better make that thirty-two.'

'Then _why_ are they here?' Weasel grumbled as he ducked out of the way of a katana swipe. 'It's got something to do with Wade, doesn't it? It's usually Wade's fault whenever ninjas attack.

'Of course it's my fault, Weas.' Wade laughed as he sliced and diced with his buzzsaw. 'The ninjas are totally jealous of me.' Wade grabbed a ninja by the throat and shouted in his face. '_**Why aren't you awesomed by me?**_'

The captive ninja didn't say a word as he stabbed Wade through the chest with his sword.

'Oh, now that wasn't very nice, was it?' Wade sighed as he looked down at his wound. 'You've made me drop the buzzsaw. Good thing I've still got the nail gun!' Wade held the nail gun against the ninja's head and pulled the trigger.

_**CHONK!**_

The ninja fell down dead, a nine inch nail sticking out of his forehead. Wade grunted in pain as he pulled the sword out of his chest, wincing a little.

'Ooh, that's gonna sting come morning.'

* * *

**One slightly one-sided battle later-**

Soon, all the ninjas had been vanquished. The Institute's grounds were strewn with the bodies of dead and dying ninjas.

'I'd hate to be the one that's going to explain all this mess to Cyclops.' Bob grimaced as he collapsed against a tree with an exhausted sigh. 'He isn't going to be happy.'

'Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch, Weas.' Wade rolled his eyes. 'I'm sure Nate's got a plan up his sleeve.'

'Wait, why do _I _have to be the one that has to clean up?' Nate asked.

'Well, you're the one with the telekinesis.' Bob reminded the silver-haired wannabe-Messiah. 'Why not throw them into the sun, or something?'

Weasel scrunched up his nose in disgust as he started to smell something foul.

'Okay, that is just disgusting.' The nerdy computer expert grimaced. 'Wade, was that really necessary?'

'Hey, don't look at me.' Wade his hands up in defence. 'It's the ninjas. They're dissolving.'

'I stand by my previous comment.' Weasel made a face as he put his hand over his mouth.

'There's only one sort of ninja that dissolves like this when they're dead.' Nate remembered. 'It's the Hand. Now, what do Japanese demon assassins want with the Xavier Institute?'

'The _Hand?!' _Bob groaned. 'Great! What did you do to get them mad, 'Pool?'

'Search me.' Wade shrugged. 'It's most probably got something to do with Betsy. She had some dealings with these losers back in the day. Maybe it's just some big revenge dealie. Y'know, take out the one that she loves to get at her.'

'I still want to know who's going to clean all this mess up.' Bob grumbled. 'I mean, look at all this ninja dust. It can't be healthy… Why are you looking at me like that?'

Bob's shoulders fell once he realised what Wade intended for him to do.

'I'll get the Dust Buster…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: My Favourite Insane Brother-In-Law**

_Betsy's insane older brother pops in for a visit. What could the reality-warping nutcase have planned for the Wilsons? Tune in next time to find out…_


	20. My Favourite Insane Brother In Law

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 20: My Favourite Insane Brother-In-Law**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'Ohh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!'_**- Shaun (Shaun Of The Dead)**

* * *

**The Xavier Institute For Higher Learning-**

Wade Wilson, the former Merc-With-A-Mouth also known as Deadpool, was strolling along the corridors of the Xavier Institute. He was heading off to a picnic with his wife Betsy and their two twin children Bea and Arthur. The quasi-sane former mercenary's pet dogs Wanker and Chloe were trotting obediently behind their master.

Wade stopped beside one of the elevators coming from the lower levels as it opened up. A silver-haired man wearing an alarming amount of body armour stepped out of the elevator. It was Nathan Summers, otherwise known as the time tossed wannabe saviour called Cable.

'Hey, Nate. Digging all the body armour.' Wade complimented his friend. '_Very _Liefeldian. You going out on a mission or something?'

'Kurt's taking a team of X-Men over to Canada.' Nate answered. 'The Brotherhood are up to their old tricks again. I'm sure the others won't mind if you come along, too. We could use your talents.'

'Didn't you read the beginning paragraph?' Wade reminded his friend. 'I've got to go and have a picnic with Betsy and the twins.'

'Well, have a good time.' Nate nodded in understanding. 'Give the twins my love.'

'Will do.' Wade nodded 'And bring me something nice back, will you?'

* * *

**Outside-**

Wade was now sitting in the ground of the Institute underneath the tree house that he and his friends had built for the twins. The whole area barely showed any sign that there had been a whole pile of dead ninjas lying on the grass a few days before.

'Now, let's see what we've got here…' Wade said as he dug into the basket that Betsy had prepared for them. 'Sandwiches, chips, soda…'

'Wade, don't worry about the food just yet.' Betsy told her husband. 'Come and sit with your family.'

Wade knew better than to argue with his wife, so he did as he was told and took a seat on the blanket with the group. Betsy frowned slightly as she noticed that somebody was missing. Chloe was lying peacefully on the blanket, but Wanker was nowhere to be seen.

'Hang on, where's Wanker wandered off to this time?' The purple-haired ninja wondered. The little yellow Labrador had an annoying habit of wandering off to explore.

'Oh, don't worry about him, Betts.' Wade reassured her. 'He's most probably off chasing squirrels or something.'

Sure enough, Wanker was indeed off chasing squirrels. The little yellow Labrador had chases a squirrel up a tree and was trying to jump up to reach it. The squirrel chirped in alarm and scurried away over the branches. Wanker turned around to see who had disturbed his fun. It was most probably his master or his mate. They always wanted to spoil his exploring.

The person that had stumbled upon Wanker wasn't Wade or Betsy, however. It was a man with a scruffy beard wearing golden hoop earrings, boxer shorts with smiley faces on them and a top hat.

'Why, hello there, boy.' The reality warping mutant known as Jamie Braddock smiled kindly. 'Who are you then?'

Wanker just looked up at the strange human stood before him and barked happily.

'Hey, shush, shush, shush.' Jamie tried to hush the little dog. 'Keep it down a little, will you? I'm here to visit my sister. It's supposed to be a surprise. You don't want to spoil the surprise, do you?'

Wanker just cocked his head in curiosity.

'I don't suppose this is suitable attire to greet my sister, is it?' Jamie thought out loud as he looked at his boxer shorts. 'I think I'd better tidy myself up a bit.'

With a wave of his hand Jamie changed his boxer shorts into a rather natty-looking grey suit.

'That's better.' Jamie nodded in satisfaction and knelt down to pick up Wanker. 'What do you say we go find you owner, hmm?'

* * *

**Back with Wade and Betsy-**

Betsy was really starting to get worried about Wanker. The little dog had a nasty habit of getting into trouble whenever he went off exploring. One time he had dug up a badger sett and had almost run a cropper of its inhabitants.

'Where's that bloody dog gotten to now?' Betsy grumbled. 'He'd better not have gotten into trouble again.'

'Betts, sit down and enjoy the picnic.' Wade told his wife. 'Wanker will be fine. Getting into trouble is what he does best.'

Then Bea, who had up until then been snoozing peacefully on the blanket beside her father, sat up and pointed at something in the bushes.

'Gooba! Gooba!'

'What is it, sweetie?' Wade asked his daughter. 'Have you seen something? Have you seen Wanker?'

'Jeepers. That's an unusual name for a dog.' Jamie Braddock chuckled as he walked out from the bushes carrying Wanker. Wade quickly pulled out a gun from it holster.

'Put the dog down, psycho!' Wade ordered as he took aim at the insane reality-manipulator. 'I'm warning you.'

'Now, there's no need to be nasty about this.' Jamie tutted as he put Wanker down. 'I didn't come here to fight. I only wanted to talk. If I wanted to start something, don't you think that I would have already done it?'

'I guess…' Wade grumbled as he put his gun back in its holster.

Betsy scooped up her children and moved them away from her older brother.

'You're not coming anywhere near my children, Jamie.' Betsy glowered. 'No matter how much you claim to be here only to talk.'

'Is it so wrong for an uncle to come see his nephew and niece?' Jamie asked as he held up his hands in innocence. 'Really, I don't want to hurt you. I just came here to say hello.'

'Hello. Goodbye. Go away.' Betsy retorted. 'Don't let the gate hit you on the arse on the way out.'

'Perhaps this'll help convince you that I don't mean any harm…' Jamie suggested as he conjured a giant pencil out of thin air and started to rub Wade out with the eraser tip.

'Hey! What the hell…?' Wade yelped in surprise. 'This is a funny way of not meaning any harm! Hey! Quit it! Stop rubbing me out! It tickles.'

Betsy clenched her fist, ready to use her psy-blade to take down her brother.

'Oh, Betsy.' Jamie tutted as he finished rubbing Wade out. 'You really are such a cynic. You used to idolise me, you know.' He then turned the pencil around and started to draw Wade all over again.

'Okay, you do know that you're totally ripping off the Living Eraser, don't you?' Wade sighed as Jamie finished colouring him in. 'Geez. 1963 called. They want their bad guy back.'

'All done.' Jamie smiled in satisfaction as he stood back to admire his handiwork.

'What did you do to him, Jamie?' Betsy asked in suspicion. 'If you've harmed him in any way…'

'Oh, don't worry so much.' Jamie rolled his eyes. 'I think you'll be pleasantly surprised once you've seen what I've done. Go on, Wade. Take off your mask.'

'This hadn't better be some sort of lame joke.' The former Merc-With-A-Mouth grumbled as he did as he was told and removed his mask. Betsy gasped in shock at the face that peered back at her. The scarring all over her husband's face was all gone. No longer did he look like somebody that had been attacked by an angry cheese grater.

'What? What's wrong?' Wade asked. 'What's up with my face? He's drawn a stupid fake moustache on my face, hasn't he?'

Jamie then conjured a mirror and held it up so Wade could see his reflection.

'Oh, now I know you're playing pranks.' Wade snorted once he saw his scar-free visage. 'There's no way that I could have gotten rid of all those scars. Unless you used your powers on my face…'

Then the reality of the situation dawned on him.

'Holy crap! You used your powers on my face! I'm handsome again! Booyah!'

'It's not just your face that I used my powers on.' Jamie explained. 'Your whole body's totally healed.'

'My whole body?' Wade enquired.

'Oh, yes.' Jamie nodded. 'Your _whole _body. Think of it as a belated wedding gift for my dear old sister.'

A cheeky grin spread across Wade's face as he looked over at Betsy.

'Betts, are you thinking what I'm thinking?' The purple-haired Brit nodded in response.

'I'll tell Bob and Weasel that they're on babysitting duty again.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: My Run-In With Cap**

_Bob, former Agent of HYDRA, has a run-in with the Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty: Captain America!_


	21. My Run In With Cap

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 21: My Run-In With Cap**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__It's a mad house! A mad house!'_**- George Taylor (Planet of the Apes) **

* * *

**The Xavier Institute For Higher Learning-**

Betsy Braddock was pottering around in the kitchen of the Xavier Institute For Higher Learning. She had a lot to do, what with two young babies and two hungry dogs to take care of. Usually, Betsy's husband Wade would have been on hand to help her, but he wasn't anywhere to be seen.

'Where has that bloody man gotten to now?' Betsy muttered to herself as she put a bowl of dog food on the floor for Wanker and Chloe. The two dogs dove into the food with hardly any hesitation. Betsy pulled her hand away quickly.

'Watch it, you two!' The purpled-haired Brit warned the pair of canines. 'You nearly took my hand off!' The two dogs didn't take any notice of Betsy as they continued to guzzled down their food.

'Well, that's the dogs fed.' Betsy said to herself as she headed over to the fridge. 'Now I just need to get the twins' bottles.'

Betsy opened the fridge door only to see her husband curled up within.

'Wade, what the hell are you doing in the fridge?' Betsy sighed in exasperation.

'There is no Wade.' The former Merc-With-A-Mouth responded. 'There is only Zuul!'

'Wade, get off that cake!' Betsy grumbled as she grabbed her errant husband by the arm and pulled him out of the fridge. The purple-haired telepath gasped at the sight of the cake 'Oh, look at the state of it! You've ruined it!'

Betsy removed the squashed birthday cake from the fridge with a tired sigh. 'I made that for Megan Gwynn's birthday. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get it just perfect?'

'Jeez, Betts. I'm sorry.' Wade scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment. 'I was only goofing around.'

'If you have to goof around, go do it somewhere else.' Betsy grumbled. 'Why don't you do something with Weasel? Sage keeps on catching him trying to hack into her mainframe.'

'I'll go find him.' Wade sighed as he hung his shoulders sadly and started to wander off just as Bob, former Agent of HYDRA, walked into the kitchen.

'Hey! Here's a guy that knows how to have a good time!' Wade grinned as he put an arm around Bob's shoulder and hugged him tight. 'Ain't that right, Bob?'

'Uh… Mr Wilson, you're hugging me.' Bob gulped nervously. 'Why are you hugging me?'

'Bob, don't call me Mr Wilson.' Wade told his captive ex-HYDRA Agent. 'It makes me want to go slap annoying little blond kids called Dennis.'

'What can we help you with, Bob?' Betsy asked as she dumped the ruined cake in the garbage.

'Uh… I was wondering whether I could have the day off?' Bob inquired nervously. 'It's just… I have family stuff to take care of. My wife doesn't even know where I am.'

'You have a _wife?_' Wade blinked in surprise.

'Well, ex-wife.' Bob replied. 'Well, she will be as soon as I deliver the divorce papers to my lawyer.'

'Dude, if you wanted an ex-wife, you should have said.' Wade grinned as he patted Bob on the shoulder. 'It would have saved you all that time and money that you would have wasted going to court. Hell, I could even make it look like an accident, if you want.'

'Wade…' Betsy warned her husband.

'What?' Wade held his hands up in innocence. 'I was kidding… Mostly.'

'Of course you can have the day off, Bob.' Betsy smiled kindly. 'It's not like we're keeping you captive. Right, Wade?'

'Uh, yeah.' Wade replied, his eyes darting about nervously. 'Sure. Totally not a prisoner. _Nahhh!'_

* * *

**Manhattan, later-**

Bob had delivered the divorce papers to Jennifer Walters, his lawyer. The former Agent of HYDRA was now enjoying his day of freedom. He was free to do whatever he wanted without having to worry about Wade Wilson.

'Manhattan is my oyster…' Bob grinned as he walked along the sidewalk. 'I've got the whole day to myself. God, there's so many things that I want to do.'

Unfortunately, it seemed that Fate had other plans for Bob.

_**KABOOM!**_

The former Agent of HYDRA was knocked to the floor as a nearby wall exploded.

'Is that the best you've got, MODOK?' The Star-Spangled Sentinel of Liberty known as Captain America grinned as he threw his shield at the his foe. 'You're getting old!'

'You may laugh as much as you wish, Captain!' MODOK retorted. 'But my minions will soon show you the error of your ways! Minions: _Attack!_'

Bob slowly got up to his feet just in time to see several AIM soldiers teleport right in front of him. The yellow-clad scientists aimed their weapons at the former Agent of HYDRA.

'Oh, crap.' Bob gulped nervously.

'Fear not, sir!' Cap reassured him as he leapt in to defend the seemingly innocent bystander. 'Nobody will hurt you as long as I'm here!'

'Uh… thanks.' Bob smiled nervously. Back in the days when Bob was still an Agent of HYDRA, Captain America was one of the organization's greatest enemies. During an incident in Utah that Bob was present for, he had the dubious honour of having Cap break his jaw. Bob had to fight the urge to shout out '_HAIL HYDRA!_' It was lucky that Cap didn't recognise him without his green-and-yellow uniform.

'Destroy Captain America, my minions!' MODOK commanded his lackeys. 'Destroy him for MODOK!'

'Have we met?' Captain America frowned at Bob. 'Your face looks familiar.'

'Uh… I don't think we've met.' Bob smiled nervously. 'P-perhaps I've just got one of those faces.'

'Do you have any combat training?' Cap queried as he smacked an AIM lackey with his shield. 'I shall need some help. I would call for the Avengers, but my com-card was destroyed when MODOK first attacked me.'

'Uh… I used to go paintballing.' Bob lied. 'Y'know, as one of those silly teambuilding exercises.'

In actual fact, Bob hardly had any combat training at all. What little HYDRA taught its minions summed primarily focused on running away and hiding when in danger, or charge at the enemy until so may of them get gunned down that the enemy is so overwhelmed in dead HYDRA Agents that he cannot move.

'It'll have to do.' Cap nodded in understanding before he pounced on the AIM soldiers.

Bob picked up a lid from a garbage can and a lead pipe so that he could defend himself.

'_HAIL HYDRA!_' Bob yelled as he swung his lead pipe wildly, luckily hitting one of the AIM soldiers on the back of the head. 'Cut off one head and two more will take its place!'

Luckily, Captain America was too busy fighting MODOK and his minions to take any notice of whatever it was that Bob said.

* * *

**The Xavier Institute, later-**

Wade and Betsy were sitting in the kitchen playing with the twins when Bob walked in and collapsed onto one of the chairs.

'God, I need a drink…' Bob sighed as he rested his head on the table.

'Wanna share?' Wade asked as he handed his friend a bottle of beer. 'You might as well, cuz we've still got a couple of paragraphs to go until the end.'

'I kind of had an unexpected team-up with Captain America.' Bob explained as he took a swig of the beer.

'Why would that be a bad thing, buddy?' Wade scratched his head.

'Why do you think, Wade?' Betsy countered. 'Bob used to be an Agent of HYDRA. Who did HYDRA often find themselves fighting?'

'...Santa Claus?' Wade offered lamely.

'Never mind.' Betsy sighed. 'At least you're safe, Bob. It isn't like you said anything incriminating, is it?'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The Search For Weasel**

_Weasel ends up getting himself kidnapped by Agent-X, so it's up to Deadpool and the gang to go rescue him._


	22. The Search For Weasel: Part 1

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 22: The Search for Weasel- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__And now __**I'm **__better at doing whatever it is Wolverine does!'_- **Deadpool (Marvel: Ultimate Alliance) **

* * *

**Coney Island-**

Night had fallen on Coney Island. The people walking along the infamous boardwalk didn't pay any notice to a scruff-looking bespectacled man as he tucked up the collar of his coat to protect himself from the brisk breeze coming in from the sea. The man was Jack Hammer, otherwise known as the computer hacker and minion and sidekick of Deadpool known as Weasel.

Weasel looked around as he headed down underneath the pier. He had received a call from somebody that claimed they had a job for him. The client told Weasel to meet him (or her) underneath the Coney Island Pier to keep everything secret.

Weasel looked at his watch and sighed impatiently.

'This guy had better not be jerking me around.' The scruffy hacker grumbled. 'The last thing I need is a cop finding me under here. I've got enough of a record without adding loitering.'

'You needn't worry.' A voice replied from the shadows. 'What I have to tell you won't take long.'

The sudden arrival of his would-be employer made Weasel jump in surprise. He lost his footing on the sand and tumbled to the floor.

'Geez! Warn somebody before you make an appearance, would you?' Weasel groused as he started to get back up to his feet.

'Oh no. Don't get up.' The mysterious stranger advised him.

'Uh… Okay?' Weasel blinked in confusion. 'What do you want from me, anyway? I don't just hack into computers, you know. I make weapons too. Do you want some fancy new weaponry? I could make you anything you want. For a price.'

'I'll make do with the weapons I've got right now.' The stranger responded. 'And as for what I want, how does revenge sound?'

'Revenge is good.' Weasel nodded. 'Who do you want revenge on?'

The mysterious stranger stepped into the moonlight to reveal a bald-headed man wearing yellow goggles with a face covered in X-shaped scars. It was Alex Hayden, otherwise known as Agent X!

'Do you really need to ask?' Agent X grinned as he shot Weasel in the arm with a tranquiliser dart. 'I want revenge on your good pal, Deadpool. You're going to be the bait.'

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, the next morning-**

A new day had dawned at the home of the X-Men and Wade Wilson, the former Merc-With-A-Mouth was in Scott Summers' office.

'I'm telling you that I've been an X-Man long enough.' Wade told the X-Men's fearless leader. 'So, when do I get one of those funky jackets that you guys used to wear in the early Nineties?'

Scott blinked in confusion behind his ruby quartz glasses.

'Wade, I have no idea what you're talking about.'

'Of course you do!' Wade answered back. 'You know, those pilot's jackets that were all the rage when the X-Books were being drawn by Jim Lee and He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Sure, the guy is my co-creator, but that doesn't mean I have to like his art.'

Scott sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of his nose.

'Wade, if I give you a jacket, will you leave me alone?'

'Until I can find something else to nag you about.' Wade grinned cheekily.

'It'll take me a while to dig the jackets out of storage.' Scott explained. 'But you will get one, I promise.'

'You're the coolest.' Wade grinned as he gave Scott a thankful pat on the back. 'I don't understand why people say that you've got a stick up your butt. Could a boy scout be able to bag himself hot telepathic babes like you have through the years?'

'Thank you, Wade.' Scott cut Wade off. 'If you don't mind, I have work to do.'

'Sir, yes sir!' Wade saluted the X-Men's leader before he turned around and left the room.

No sooner had the quasi-sane ex-mercenary departed from the office, then he almost collided with Cable, who had been walking towards the office.

'Geez, Nate!' Wade grimaced. 'watch where you're going, will ya? What's the rush, anyway? You getting fed up of having sexy-time with Domino, or what?'

'Wade, this package just came for you.' Cable explained as he held up a package wrapped in pale yellow lined paper. 'Somebody threw it through the window.'

'Man, the postal service sure is going downhill.' Wade quipped as he opened the package. 'Ooh, it's a DVD.'

Wade frowned as he read the title that had been scribbled on one side of the disc in marker pen.

'_Hostage Demands_? I Haven't ever heard of any movie with a name like that. What about you, Nate?'

'I don't think there's a movie on that DVD, Wade.' Cable told his friend. 'We'd better go watch it or we'll never know what's going on.

'Oh, goodie!' Wade clapped his hands excitedly. 'I'll get the popcorn.'

* * *

**A little later-**

Wade had gathered the rest of his friends as he prepared to watch the DVD that had come in through the window.

'Whatever reason you called us here had better be a good one.' Domino frowned as she crossed her arms over her chest. 'A lot of us have other things to be getting on with.'

'Take a chill pill, Petey.' Wade rolled his eyes. 'You can go and make babies with Nate once we've seen whatever's on the disc.'

'Do you think it could have anything to do with Weasel?' Betsy enquired. 'He's been missing since last night.'

'He most probably got lucky last night.' Wade shrugged. 'But knowing Weas it's pretty unlikely.'

Once the DVD had finally finished loading, an image of a bound Weasel came up on the screen.

'Boring!' Wade yawned. 'Change the channel.'

'_Wade!_' Betsy admonished her husband. 'Your friend has just been kidnapped. Show a little respect, will you?'

Wade kept quiet as weasel began to speak.

'Uh, hello, Wade.' The scruffy computer expert stammered slightly. 'Umm… I'm safe. I Haven't been harmed. My captors won't do anything to me as long as you do exactly as they want. They want to meet you in the old abandoned Happy Harbour Amusement Park in Coney Island at ten o'clock.'

No sooner had Weasel's image appeared on the screen, then it disappeared again.

'Well, I guess that explains where Weasel has gotten to.' Betsy surmised. 'But it still doesn't tell us who kidnapped him.'

'Uhh… Does this symbol mean anything to you guys?' Bob, former Agent of HYDRA, asked as he indicated a doodle on the piece of paper that came with the DVD. It was a smiley face with an X-shape on the forehead.

'That gimmick-stealing son-of-a-Simone!' Wade growled as he snatched the note from Bob's clutches. 'He's gone too far this time!'

'Any chance of you sharing your info, Wade?' Domino asked. 'Because I'm still none-the-wiser.'

'Alex Hayden, otherwise known as Agent X, is a mercenary who once believed that he was Deadpool.' Cable explained. 'As a matter of fact he is an amalgamation of Wade and two other mercenaries known as the Black Swan and Nijo Minamiyori. He and Wade have had a rather… eventful relationship ever since.'

'Gee, thanks a lot, Continuity Lad.' Wade rolled his eyes. 'The more you stand here filling the readers in on necessary continuity details, the more time that shmuck Hayden has to torture my friend.'

'What do you propose, Wade?' Betsy asked. 'Do you even have a plan?'

'I'm going to do what I'm bets at, Betts.' Wade smirked evilly. 'I'm gonna kick some ass and take some names.' A proud smile spread across Betsy's face.

'I wouldn't have to any other way, luv.'

'Then there's only one more thing left for me to say.' Wade continued. 'To me, my X-Men!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: The Search for Weasel- Part 2**

_Deadpool wreaks powerful vengeance upon the man responsible for kidnapping Weasel. Unfortunately, Agent X has backup of his own. _


	23. The Search For Weasel: Part 2

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 23: The Search For Weasel- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__Run! Go! Get to the chopper!'_**- Major 'Dutch' Schaeffer (Predator)**

* * *

**Coney Island-**

It was a couple of minutes before ten o'clock when the X-Jet came in to land just outside the Happy Harbour Amusement Park in Coney Island. The place had shut down several years ago and had fallen into disrepair.

Deadpool's friend Weasel had been kidnapped by an old rival of the former Merc-with-a-Mouth known as Agent X. So he had gathered together Betsy, Domino, Cable, and Bob, the former Agent of HYDRA.

'I can't sense anything from Weasel.' Cable announced with a frown. 'Hayden must have put psionic blockers up around the place.'

'Don't fret, Nate.' Wade reassured his friend. 'Your telepathy might be as useless as a Black Sabbath CD in the Vatican, but you've still got your big gun. You might not be able to melt somebody's brain, but you can still pop a cap in their ass.'

'What's the plan, luv?' Betsy asked her husband. 'You _do_ have a plan, don't you?'

'Of course I do, Betts.' Wade grinned in response. 'We're gonna split up and go look for Weas. It'll be quicker that way.'

'Uh… are you sure splitting up is a good idea?' Bob asked timidly. 'We could be walking right into a trap.'

'No shinola, Sherlock.' Wade rolled his eyes. 'This couldn't be a more obvious trap if there was a great big sign standing here with _this is a trap_ in ten foot tall neon lights all over it.'

'So, what're we going to do?' Domino enquired. 'Who's going where?'

'Hayden's mine.' Wade answered. 'Betts, you take Bob search in a clockwise direction to the Hall of Mirrors. Nate and Dom, you guys go anti-clockwise, and head to the old arcade. I'm gonna go straight ahead to the abandoned amusement arcade.'

'Wow. That was a reasonably well thought out plan.' Domino complimented him in amazement. 'I thought we were just going to charge in with guns blazing.'

'Oh, _please!_' Wade snorted. 'What do you think this is, X-Force?'

* * *

**A little while later-**

It didn't take Cable and Domino very long to reach the abandoned amusement arcade. Luckily, they didn't face any resistance from Agent X on their way. He was most probably concentrating on humiliating Deadpool. Unfortunately, Cable's telepathy was still being blocked by whatever devices Agent X had set up.

'How are you feeling, Nate?' Domino asked.

'Remarkably well.' Cable responded. 'It feels kind of nice to have a clear head instead of a constant chatter that I usually have in my head.'

'Wow. I never knew telepathy could be such a burden.' Domino patted her partner on the shoulder in sympathy.

'There's no time for self-pity, Dom.' Cable pointed out. 'We're here to rescue Weasel.'

Cable took hold of a wooden plank that had been nailed over what had once been the entrance to the old arcade and gave it a quick yank, tearing it right off the doorframe. He then started to do the same to the rest of the planks.

'I don't like it.' Domino frowned in suspicion. 'This has been too easy so far. Surely Hayden must have some sort of backup. He wouldn't be dumb enough to do this all on his own, would he?'

_**CHAK-CHK!**_

The pair halted in their tracks as they heard the sound of somebody cocking a gun.

'Not another step.' A woman with short black hair and many bionic implants on her body told them. 'Our business isn't with you. All we want is Deadpool.'

'Makeshift, if I'm not mistaken.' Cable frowned. 'Formerly of the Executive Elite. You should be dead. Several times over as a matter of fact.'

'Oh, like you X-Men are the only ones that are allowed to come back from the dead.' Makeshift snorted in derision.

'Technically, I'm not one of the X-Men.' Domino pointed out. 'I'm more of a hanger-on. An X-Man by proxy, if you will.'

'I'm not going to tell you again.' Makeshift told the two mutants. 'Walk away while you still can.'

'We can't do that.' Cable shot back. 'We're here on a mission'

'Then don't say I didn't warn you.' Makeshift shrugged as she opened fire on the heroic duo.

_**BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**_

Domino easily ducked out of the way and took Makeshift's legs from under her with a quick sweep. Cable simply used his telekinesis to erect a shield in front of him before snatching the gun away from his foe.

'Oh, no. I wouldn't do that if I were you…' Domino shook her head as Makeshift reached for a knife hidden in her boot. 'We'd really prefer not to kill you tonight, but we will if you try anything funny.'

Makeshift cursed under her breath and moved her hand away from the concealed blade.

'Well, it looks like this was a bust.' Domino sighed. 'Weasel isn't here.'

'Then I guess it's down to Betsy and Bob.' Cable nodded. 'Let's hope they're having a little more luck.'

* * *

**Elsewhere-**

Fortunately, Betsy and Bob had found Weasel in the old Hall of Mirrors. Unfortunately, they had come up against trouble as well. They had to contend with another former member of the Executive Elite, a redheaded woman known as Rive. Deadpool was supposed to have killed her as well.

'Bob, a little help?' Betsy asked as she blocked a kick from her fiery-haired foe.

'HYDRA Rule of Concealment Number 114: If you can't see them, they can't see you…' Bob whimpered as he cowered behind a tied up Weasel.

'Just hurry up and untie me, will you?' Weasel snapped in agitation. 'These ropes are starting to give me a rash.'

'Uh… okay.' Bob nodded timidly as he got up to his feet. 'I can do that. Just as long as it saves me from the kicking, and the punching, and the massive bloodletting.'

'You are such a wuss.' Weasel rolled his eyes. 'Why does Wade even keep you around?'

'He thinks it's cool to have minions.' Bob explained as he untied the scruffy-looking computer hacker. 'Besides, I'd rather be here than explain to my ex-wife where I've been all this time.'

'You don't have any idea who you're messing with.' Rive snarled as she tried to take Betsy's head off with a sword.

'And neither do I care.' The purple-haired Brit retorted. '_You're_ the one who has no idea who _you're_ messing with.'

_**CRACK!**_

Betsy dealt Rive a nasty kick to the gut.

'There's no time for any finesse or fancy martial art moves.' The purple-clad heroine said. 'It'll have to be a good old-fashioned English arse-kicking.'

_**POW!**_

Betsy knocked Rive to the ground with an uppercut to the jaw.

'Ooh.' Weasel grimaced. 'That's just nasty. I thought British women were supposed to be classy.'

'Blame my poor upbringing.' Betsy shrugged as she dragged the unconscious Rive into a corner.

'Poor upbringing?' Bob blinked. 'Weren't your parents like, rich?'

'Dude, do you really want to argue with her after what she did to Rive?' Weasel pointed out.

'Yes, my parents were rich.' Betsy said as she began to tie Rive up. 'I still got into a lot of trouble in university. You know, drinking, getting in fights, all that stuff. Those were the good times…'

'I think Mr Wilson's insanity is starting to rub off on her.' Bob sighed.

'Don't let her hear you say that, man!' Weasel grimaced. 'or she'll go soccer hooligan on your ass!'

'Oh, _please.' _Betsy snorted. 'Give me some credit. Soccer hooligans have no class at all. If I were to kill you I'd cut you into pieces and mail you home.'

'She's joking, right?' Bob chuckled nervously. 'Right…?'

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

_**TING-TING-TING!**_

'Hayden, come out to _plaaaay…_' Wade taunted as he walked towards an old wooden roller coaster that dominated the skyline tapping two beer bottles together. 'Come out to pla…'

_**BLAM!**_

Wade jumped back in surprise as somebody shot the bottles out of his hand.

'It took you long enough, Wilson.' Agent-X yelled from the top of the roller coaster. 'I was starting to think you weren't going to show up.'

'Of course I was gonna show, Hayden.' Wade retorted. 'You kidnapped one of my friends. We X-Men don't take kindly to that kind of thing.'

'You're not an X-Man!' Agent-X snorted in derision. 'You're just their pet merc. The one they send out to do the jobs that they don't have the guts for!'

'That's where you're wrong, bub!' Wade shot back. 'I'm as much of a valued member of the X-Men than Wolverine, Gambit, or any of those other guys who have their own books!'

'Get with the times, you idiot!' Agent-X groaned. 'Gambit hasn't had his own book for years!'

'You're just jealous because your book got cancelled.' The Merc-with-a-Mouth laughed. 'At least I've still got my own ongoing book. Well, I will have in a few months' time. It's gonna be sweet. It's got Skrulls in and everything! But seriously, all this Fourth Wall-breaking is boring me. I'm coming up there to get you.'

'Hey, I'm not going anywhere.' Agent-X shrugged as Wade began to climb up the side of the roller coaster.

Agent-X stepped back to let Wade climb up to the top.

'So, how are we gonna do this?' Wade asked as he got to his feet. 'It's gonna bit a disappointment if we end up shooting each other full of lead and I end up winning by default.'

'I was thinking the same thing.' Agent-X nodded in agreement. 'How about we settle this like men?'

'A little clichéd, but it'll do.' Wade shrugged. 'Put up your dukes, sir. I demand satisfaction.'

Agent-X was the first to make a move as he swung a punch at Wade's head. Fortunately, the Merc-with-a-Mouth was ready and ducked out of the way. The missed punch left Agent-X open. So Wade took that as his moment to go on the attack.

_**CRACK!**_

Wade punched his rival in the side, most probably breaking a rib or two in the process. Unfortunately, that attack now left Wade open, and Agent-X soon took advantage of the fact.

**POW!**

The scarred mercenary kicked Wade right on the chin, sending him tumbling perilously close to the edge of the coaster.

'Heh. Look out for that first step, it's a doozy.' Wade chuckled as he got up to his feet.

Agent-X tried to knock Wade off the coaster with another kick, but the semi-sane former mercenary intercepted the attack and grabbed his opponent's leg, spinning him onto his backside.

'I can go on like this forever, Hayden.' Wade warned his rival. 'So you'd better give up while all your insides are still well, inside.'

'Ha! I'm not going to give up for anything!' Agent-X laughed. 'Do you know how stupid that sounds? It's madness!'

A grin slowly began to spread on Wade's face.

'Madness?!'

'Oh, hell.' Agent-X groaned. 'You wouldn't…'

'This. IS. _**SPARTAA!!**_'

_**PUNT!**_

Wade promptly kicked Agent-X off the top of the coaster, sending him crashing through the canopy of a carousel below.

'Man, that was oddly unsatisfying.' Wade sighed as he began to climb back down to the ground. 'I'd never think that I'd get tired of pop culture references. There must be something wrong with me. Nah, that can't be the case. I _love _pop culture references!'

Wade reached the ground just as Betsy and the others came running up.

'Wade, we saw the whole thing!' Betsy exclaimed. 'Are you okay?'

'Never been better, Betts.' Wade grinned as he put his arm around his wife's shoulder.

'I'm fine too, thanks for asking.' Weasel rolled his eyes.

'Your gratitude overwhelms me, Weas.' Wade chuckled as he began to walk away.

'Are you just going to leave Hayden like that?' Domino asked, indicating the wrecked carousel with a jerk of her thumb.

'Meh. He'll be okay.' Wade shrugged. 'He'll be back soon enough. The next time we meet up we'll most probably team-up against a force so powerful that no wise-cracking mercenary would be able to fight in on their own. But that's another story for another time. Come on, guys. Let's go home…'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Mary, Mary Quite Contrary**

_The return of Typhoid Mary. 'Nuff said!_


	24. Mary, Mary Quite Contrary

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 24: Mary, Mary Quite Contrary**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__They're here…'_**- Carol Anne (Poltergeist)**

* * *

**The Xavier Institute For Higher Learning-**

Wade Wilson tried to ignore the sound of the rain beating down outside and looked at the card he was holding in his hand. He and some of his friends were playing a game of Trivial Pursuit in an attempt to pass the time.

'What was the name of the alias used by Arnold Schwarzenegger's character in the 1986 movie Raw Deal?' The former Merc-with-a-Mouth asked Weasel, his computer hacking friend. 'Heh. I know this one. It's so easy.'

'Of course it's easy, Wade.' Weasel rolled his eyes. 'You've got the answers.'

'You're just jealous because I've got the knowledge.' Wade retorted. 'Now, do you know the answer or what?'

'Please, Weasel.' Betsy sighed heavily. 'Answer the bloody question and put us all out of the misery.'

'Fine then…' Weasel shook his head. 'I don't know.'

'Heh. I knew it.' Wade grinned. 'It was Joseph P. Brenner. You suck at this game, Weas.'

'I'm going to go get a beer.' Bob, the former agent of HYDRA, announced as he got to his feet. 'Does anybody else want anything?'

'I'm okay, thanks.' Betsy responded. 'I'm going to call it a night. I was never any good at this game anyway.'

'Aww, c'mon Betts.' Wade tutted. 'You can't give up yet. The game's hardly even started.'

'I have to go check on the twins.' Betsy explained. 'Bea's been getting a little awkward recently. She's been having trouble sleeping. It's most probably nothing, just a little sniffle, but I want to check up on her anyway.'

Wade and Weasel watched as Bob and Betsy left the room. Weasel looked over at Wade with an exasperated sigh.

'See, I knew we should have played a different game.' Weasel said. 'What's wrong with poker anyway?'

'Poker's so cliché.' Wade shook his head. 'Besides, I rule at this game!'

'That's only because you cheat.' Weasel pointed out.

'Why, Weas. Your words wound me so.' Wade gasped as he clutched his chest dramatically.

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

Bob had retrieved some beer from the kitchen along with a bag of chips to snack on. The former agent of HYDRA was about to head back to the game when he heard somebody knock on the door.

'Hunh. I wonder who that could be at this hour…' Bob thought out loud. 'Perhaps I'd better get one of the X-Men to answer it. It's not like it's my place to answer the door for them…'

_**KNOCK-KNOCK-KNOCK!**_

Whoever it was knocking on the door seemed to be desperate to get inside, so Bob thought that it might have been a good idea to see what they wanted. The person on the other side of the door might have really needed some help. Why else would they be knocking on the door at such a late hour?'

Bob put down his beer and the bag of chips and headed over to the door. He put his hand on the door handle and pushed down to let the person on the other side in.

_**KRAKOOM!**_

Bob leapt back with a yell as a bolt of lighting illuminated a shadowy figure standing on the other side of the door.

'_Aaaahh!_' Bob yelled as he fell backwards.

'Umm… hi?' The redheaded woman on the other side of the doorway smiled sheepishly. 'Is Wade in? I need his help.'

* * *

**A little later-**

Fortunately, the stranger at the door wasn't an enemy trying to wreak revenge on the X-Men, it was an old acquaintance of Wade and Betsy's. Mary Walker used to work with the pair back when they had their own detective agency. Mary was better known as Typhoid Mary, a former assassin to various organized crime syndicates. Most famously she worked as an assassin to the Kingpin and caused daredevil no end of trouble. However, Mary had reformed in recent years and had tried to make some good of her life.

Mary was standing in front of Wade and the others as she told them why she needed their help.

'I really need your help, Wade.' Mary explained. 'I can't tell you how serious things are. I'm in big trouble. Have you ever heard of Silvermane?'

'Well, I Haven't read any Marvel handbooks recently, but I've heard of him, yeah.' Wade nodded. 'I think I might have done some work for him in the past. It's all kind of a blur. I still forget all the people I've done odd jobs for different guys over the years. Did I ever tell you about the time I fought Bullseye to be the Kingpin's chief enforcer?'

'Wade, now isn't the time to go off on a tangent.' Betsy advised him. 'Try to keep to the point, okay?' The purple-haired ninja turned back to Mary. 'What does Silvermane want with you anyway?'

'I think it might have to do with a job I botched for him a few years back.' Mary remembered. 'I was supposed to kill some guy's wife and kids, but I couldn't go through with it.'

'What do you mean you couldn't do it?' Weasel frowned. 'Back in those days you were nuttier than a sack of squirrels.'

'I might have done a lot of bad things in the past, but I've never killed children.' Mary shook her head. 'I ended up killing the back-up that Silverman sent for me instead. Please, you have to help me. They've got John! They're going to kill him.'

'Excuse my ignorance, but who's John?' Bob asked. 'I'm new to this kind of thing and I haven't got the foggiest idea what you're talking about.'

'St John Allerdyce.' Betsy explained. 'Better known as Pyro, formerly of the Brotherhood of Mutants. Just like a lot of us he's died only to be brought back to life. He and Mary had a relationship back in the day.'

'So you'll help me?' Mary asked.

'Hell, anything's better than sitting around being awesome at Trivial Pursuit.' Wade shrugged. 'Plus, I'll get to kill and or maim a whole bunch of miscellaneous goons.'

'I'd love to come and kick some heads in, Mary, but I've got children to look after.' Betsy apologised. 'I hope you'll understand.'

'And I'm a big coward.' Weasel admitted. 'I won't be any good against an army of goons.'

'Well, I guess that means that it's down to me and Bob.' Wade said. 'How do you feel about taking down an assortment of nameless goons in the name of justice?'

'Well, it's not like I have any choice in the matter, is it?' Bob sighed.

'That's my man.' Wade grinned as he patted his trusty minion on the back. 'To the Deadmobile, away!'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Betrayed**

_The fight against Silvermane's goons goes awry when somebody betrays the heroes. Who could it be? Tune in next time to find out…_


	25. Betrayed

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 26: Betrayed**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_'__If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.'_**- Ace Ventura (Ace Ventura: Pet Detective)**

* * *

**Somewhere in Manhattan-**

A nondescript black car travelled through Manhattan, heading towards one of the more exclusive parts of the city. The car was heading for the financial district where investment bankers and the like congregated as well as those people who earned their money in less legitimate ways.

The former Merc-with-a-Mouth known as Deadpool was behind the wheel while his loyal minion Bob, the former agent of HYDRA, was sitting in the passenger's side. Sitting in the back seat was Typhoid Mary, former enforcer to the Kingpin and former associate of Deadpool. The trio were tooled up as if they were going to invade a small country.

Apparently the gangster known as Silvermane had kidnapped Mary's lover St John Allerdyce, also known as the former mutant terrorist Pyro. Mary had sought Deadpool's assistance in rescuing him. Silvermane would undoubtedly be guarded by many miscellaneous goons and henchmen, hence all the weapons.

'Are you sure you didn't over do it with all the weapons?' Bob asked his boss. 'How can we be stealthy if we're armed to the teeth?'

'Oh, my poor naïve Bob.' Deadpool shook his head with a chuckle. 'You of all people should know that I never leave home without enough toys to make Arnold drool.' **(1)**

'I don't care how many guns you've got.' Mary piped up from the back seat. 'I just want John back.'

'Don't sweat there, Red.' Deadpool grinned. 'We'll get Pyro back for you. You two will back making babies before you even know it.'

'Do you even know where this Silvermane guy's hiding?' Bob enquired. 'I mean, don't these supervillains have secret hideouts and stuff?'

'Of course I know where Silvermane is, Bob.' Deadpool explained. 'His place is just around the next corner. Didn't you ever read your Official Handbook to the Marvel Universe?'

'I swear, sometimes I have no idea what you're talking about.' Bob shook his head sadly as the car pulled up near to a parking garage underneath one of the great big shiny skyscrapers.

A gentleman wearing a smart black suit walked up to the driver's side of the car and motioned for Deadpool to wind down the window.

'This is private property, buddy.' The guy explained as he placed a hand on his holstered gun. 'Not get outta here.'

'I've been invited, my dear man.' Deadpool smiled sweetly. 'Mr Silvermane's expecting me.'

'Oh yeah?' The guard frowned. 'Then where's your invite?'

'Right here…' Deadpool said as he put a hand in his pocket as if he was about to pull out an invitation but threw a punch out the window, socking the guard on the chin.

The former Merc-With-a-Mouth started up the car again and headed into the parking garage.

'Don't you think we'd better do something about that guy?' Bob asked as he jerked a thumb in the direction of the unconscious guard.

'Good idea, Bob.' Deadpool nodded as he began to take his weaponry out of the trunk. 'Go put him in that dumpster over there.'

Bob simply nodded in understanding and dragged the unconscious guard into a dumpster in the corner and threw him inside.

'If I remember correctly there should be an elevator heading right up to Silvermane's penthouse.' Mary told her companions. 'It's just over here.'

'Lead on MacDuff.' Deadpool nodded as he allowed Mary to lead them onwards.

Mary looked about cautiously before she pressed the button to summon the elevator. The door opened with a ping and the trio stepped inside. Mary pressed the button for the top floor and turned to regard her two companions.

Bob sniffed the air as he started to smell something suspicious.

'Hey, what's that smell?' The former agent of HYDRA frowned.

'Hey, don't look at me.' Deadpool held up his hands in innocence. 'It wasn't me!'

Bob let out a groan as he fell to the ground in an unconscious heap.

'Hey man, now's not the time to take a nap.' Deadpool tutted as he poked his loyal minion with his foot. Then the same mysterious malady that struck Bob down started to do its thing on Deadpool.

'Ooh, I don't feel so good…' Deadpool groaned as his legs began to buckle underneath him before giving up altogether. 'Down I go…'

Typhoid Mary just shook her head sadly and put the special breathing device that her boss had given her into her mouth.

'I'm so sorry.'

* * *

**A little while later-**

Deadpool regained consciousness to find himself being shaken.

'Mr Wilson, wake up…' Bob said as he shook his boss.

'Aww man, what happened?' Deadpool groaned as he got up to his feet and saw that he and Bob were being held in a featureless grey room.

'I think we got screwed.' Bob pointed out.

'I'll let you know that I am nothing but loyal to Betsy.' Deadpool told his minion. 'I would never… Oh, wait. You mean we were betrayed.'

'Yeah, Typhoid sold us out.' Bob nodded.

'She took all our stuff too.' Deadpool realised as he noticed that they were without weapons. 'Good thing she let me keep my funky new X-Jacket **(2) **and belt. God knows what I'd do without my precious pouches. One can never have too many pouches, right Rob?'

'Who's Rob?' Bob blinked in confusion.

'It doesn't matter.' Deadpool waved it away. 'The first thing we need to do is get the hell out of here. We can't wreak miscellaneous mayhem without our guns.'

'Well, I'm open to suggestions.' Bob shrugged. 'I left my Get Out Of Jail Card at home.'

'Fear not, my loyal minion.' Deadpool grinned as he rustled about in his belt. 'I'm sure my Deadpool-Belt will have something to help us get out of here. By George, I think I've got it!'

Deadpool pulled out of his belt what seemed to be moulding clay.

'Behold: My Deadpool-Plastic Explosive!'

'You carry plastic explosive around with you?' Bob groaned. 'Doesn't that strike you as just a little bit dangerous?'

'Why should it?' Deadpool shrugged. 'It's not like I keep it in there with my Deadpool-Nitro-glycerine. I only use that stuff for emergencies.'

'Just blow the door open.' Bob shook his head in exasperation. 'Betsy's going to kick our butts if you end up getting us killed.'

Deadpool carefully placed the plastic explosive around the cracks of the door and stuck in a detonator.

'Stand back, Bob.' Deadpool warned his loyal minion. 'This could get messy.'

Bob did as he was told and crouched down in the furthest corner of the cell and covered his ears.

Deadpool pressed a button on his belt, blowing the door off its hinges with a dull boom.

'Let's get out of here quick before Silvermane's goons find us.' Deadpool orded his friend as he ran out of the cell.

'What about all the guns?' Bob asked as he followed his boss. 'Shouldn't we get those back first?'

'Where do you think I'm going, buddy?' Deadpool grinned. 'I intend to show Silvermane that it isn't cool to steal other people's toys!'

**TBC…**

**Next: It's Kicking Off!**

_Things really start to get good when Deadpool shows Silvermane that he doesn't take kindly to being gassed and having all his stuff stolen._

**Author's Notes-**

**(1)- **_The Arnold Deadpool is referring to is of course Arnold __Schwarzenegger who before he became Governor of California made his name with movies like _Commando_ and _Raw Deal _which involved him taking on legions of goons like a one man army._

**(2)- **_The jacket that Deadpool is referrign to is the same sort of thing that was all the fashion in Marvel comics from the early 90s. People like Rogue, Crystal, and Hercules wore them. Cyclops gave him the jacket in Chapter 22._


	26. It's Kicking Off!

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 26: It's Kicking Off!**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel._

_

* * *

_

'_Be one with the horse.'_**- Captain Kirk (Star Trek V: The Final Frontier)**

* * *

**The Silvermane Building, Manhattan-**

Somewhere in the high-rise building known as the Silvermane Building a pair of well-dressed men were sitting around guarding what seemed to be a small armoury. The pile of guns looked like something that would make an 80's action hero jealous.

'Where do you think all this stuff came from, Phil?' One of the suited men enquired. 'I mean, jeez. This stuff must have cost a pretty penny.'

'Like I care.' Phil shrugged. 'We're not paid to think, Gary. We're paid to look after this stuff.'

'I was just curious, is all.' Gary shrugged. 'You can't blame me for that.'

'This is why we keep getting crap jobs like this.' Phil sighed heavily. 'You keep annoying the boss with all your dumb questions. You really gotta learn to keep your mouth shut, then we might actually get some decent jobs once in a while. I don't intend to be a glorified watchman all my life.'

Gary was about to say something when the sound of a commotion coming from the other side of the door caught his attention.

_**CRASH! BANG! CRUNCH!**_

'_Arrrgh!_'

'My spine!'

'Oh God, it hurts!'

'Phil, I think we got trouble.' Gary announced as he upholstered his gun. Phil just nodded silently and upholstered his weapon as well as he took a position beside the door.

_**BOOM!**_

The door swung open, hitting Phil in the face. Deadpool stood in the doorway with Bob, the former Agent of HYDRA, beside him.

'Ah, there they are…' Deadpool sighed happily as he headed inside the room to take back all of his weapons. 'Have you missed daddy? Daddy's missed you. Oh, yes he has...

'Stay r-right where you are, punk!' Gary stammered as he levelled his gun at the former Merc-With-A-Mouth.

Deadpool just looked back at the gun-toting goon not impressed in the least.

'Uh-huh. Right. I totally get that you're only trying to do your job, but do you _really_ think that you've got any chance of beating me? I mean, I've got a bag full of guns for crying out loud. You don't think that you're going to come out of this whole thing unharmed, do you?'

Deadpool slung his bag of guns around his shoulder and patted Gary on the back.

'Nothing personal, buddy.' The semi-sane ex mercenary reassured the goon as he headed back the way he came before looking down at the unconscious Phil. 'Tch. Sleeping on the job. You just can't get the help nowadays, can you?'

* * *

**A little while later-**

Once the news of Deadpool and Bob's escape had gotten out, it seemed that all of Silvermane's goons had gone out to meet them.

'Now, this is my kind of fun.' Deadpool grinned as he reloaded his gun from the shelter of an upturned table. 'It feels so good to finally cut loose. Just don't tell Betsy, okay? You know how she gets when I go all shooty and stabby'

'I'm sure she'll understand.' Bob responded. 'We did end up getting betrayed and locked up.'

'Yeah, come to think of it, I bet Betsy would have loved to be here with us.' Deadpool nodded as he unhooked a smoke grenade from his belt. 'You ready, Bob?'

'I guess.' The cowardly former agent of HYDRA nodded as he watched Deadpool roll the smoke grenade towards the gang of goons in front of them.

Once the grenade stopped rolling it disgorged its gaseous contents, all but blinding the army of goons.

'Son of a…!'

'I can't see!'

'Blast him anyway!'

Deadpool leapt out from behind the table and opened fire on the goons.

_**BRATTATTATTA!**_

Bob cautiously crept out from behind the upturned table and followed his boss as he headed down the corridor, taking out goons along the way.

'I don't suppose any of your guys know where Silvermane's got himself holed up, do you?' Deadpool asked as he grabbed one of the goons and used him as a human shield. 'Now, come on. There's no need to be shy. Speak up somebody.'

'Umm, boss? I think they're dead.' Bob pointed out. 'There's nobody left to talk.'

'Well, I guess we'll have to do this the hard way.' Deadpool sighed. 'We'll have to fight our way through every floor and hope that Silvermane's in the penthouse.'

Bob let out a long groan at the news that he'd had to fight through dozens more miscellaneous goons.

'Oh, God. Everything has to be the hard way, doesn't it?'

* * *

**The penthouse-**

Silvermane already knew that Deadpool was battling his way through his army of minions and he wasn't best pleased. The old man didn't actually care that his underlings were being slaughtered, it was the fact that his building was being shot up in the process. Having your own hi-rise wasn't cheap.

Typhoid Mary paced nervously in the penthouse. Silvermane had captured her lover and threatened to kill him unless she set a trap for Deadpool. The redheaded woman was starting to have second thoughts about betraying her friend.

'What are you doing standing there?' Silvermane snapped. 'Help me pack everything before that psychopath gets here!'

Typhoid pursed her lips in determination.

'No. I'm not going to betray my friends any longer.'

'What?!' Silvermane spluttered in surprise. 'You do know what'll happen to your precious Pyro if you don't do as I say, don't you?'

'I'll find John.' Typhoid warned the old man. 'I don't like being played with like some pawn. As a matter of fact it makes me so angry that it… _burns!_'

'What are you…?' Silvermane spluttered as his body started to smoulder and smoke. 'Stop this!'

_**BOOM!**_

Just at that precise moment Deadpool kicked the door open and gawked at amazement at what was going on in the penthouse.

'I guess somebody had a change of heart.' The former Merc-With-A-Mouth stated.

'Sorry Wade.' Typhoid apologised sheepishly. 'No hard feelings, right?'

'Pff. Think nothing of it.' Deadpool waved it away. 'I knew it wouldn't last. You didn't want to end up pissing off the missus, right?'

Typhoid was about to say something in response when the still-burning Silvermane stood up, revealing that inside the skin of an old man was a body of a deadly killer robot.

'Oh, yeah. That's right.' Deadpool snapped his fingers as he remembered something. 'Silvermane's a cyborg. Silly me.'

'You will all die for this!' Silvermane snarled at the trio. 'I don't need henchmen to destroy you when I can do it myself!'

'You're not the first one to spout off about how he's gonna kill me, buddy.' Deadpool retorted. 'And you sure as hell aren't going to be the last.'

'Oh, is that a fact?' Silverman sneered as he reached out and grabbed Deadpool by the throat. 'How about now?'

Typhoid tried to attack the cyborg with one of her machetes, but was swatted aside for her trouble.

_**PANG!**_

'Bob…' Deadpool croaked. 'Little help?'

Bob peeked out from his hiding place behind a statue and looked at the scene. His employer was having the life squeezed out of him, and Typhoid Mary was out for the count as well.

'This totally goes against my HYDRA training.' The former agent of HYDRA muttered to himself as he stepped out of his hiding place. '_**RRRAAAAAGHH!!**_'

Bob charged at Silvermane with the fiercest yell he could manage and tackled him straight through the penthouse window.

_**CRASH!**_

'Bob…' Deadpool coughed as he got up from his position on the floor where Silvermane had dropped him before Bob sent the cyborg tumbling out the window. 'Jeez, buddy. That was what I call a heroic sacrifice. I'll remember you always, friend.'

'I'm not dead yet…' Bob wheezed as he struggled to climb back through the window. 'I managed to grab on.'

Deadpool offered a hand to help his friend back into the penthouse.

'You do know that was totally working against the stereotype of a cowardly sidekick, right?' Deadpool teased him. 'People're going to start thinking that you're a hero or something.'

* * *

**A little while later-**

The authorities had taken away Silvermane's shattered remains. All that was left for Deadpool and Bob to do was to bid Typhoid Mary goodbye.

'Are you sure we can't help you rescue John?' Deadpool asked. 'There's nothing I like more than a good old rescue mission.'

'I'm honoured, but I'd much rather do it on my own.' Typhoid shook her head. 'I've already imposed on you too much.'

'Impose, nothing.' Deadpool laughed. 'It's always good to wreak miscellaneous havoc with friends. Good luck with finding Pyro, okay? Don't be a stranger.'

Typhoid waved goodbye to her two friends and headed off to find her missing lover. Once she had gone Deadpool hopped into his car.

'Well, as fun as that was, I think I need a vacation.' Deadpool sighed.

'Where are you thinking, boss?' Bob asked.

Deadpool thought for a minute.

'London!' The former Merc-With-A-Mouth. 'The city of cheeky Cockneys and chirpy singing street urchins! Or so the TV has led me to believe.'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Mr Deadpool Goes To London**

_Deadpool and co head to London to meet up with Captain Britain and the members of Excalibur. Nothing could possibly go wrong… could it? Yeah, right._


	27. Mr Deadpool Goes To London

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 27: Mr Deadpool Goes To London**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**The Lake House, headquarters of Excalibur-**

Brian and Meggan Braddock stood on the roof of the Lake House, the building that they and the other members of Excalibur called home.

'It isn't like Betsy to be late.' Brian frowned in concern as he looked up at the sky for any sign of his sister's arrival. 'What do you think is keeping her?'

'Betsy has two young children to look after, remember?' Meggan reminded her husband. 'The twins were most probably acting up. You know what Betsy Junior is like whenever we go anywhere. She always forgets something and we have to comb the whole building or she won't go anywhere. That's children for you, I suppose.'

'I hope Wade behaves himself this time.' Brian sighed. 'I don't want to have to apologise to the Prime Minister for him painting expletives on the Houses of Parliament.'

'You have to admit though, that was kind of funny.' Meggan smiled at the memory. 'Yes, defacing a national monument isn't usually a laughing matter, but for some reason that rather tickled me.'

'I dread to think what the twins will be like when they grow up.' Brian grimaced. 'I hope they don't take after their father.'

'Oh, hush.' Meggan rolled her eyes. 'Wade is a good man. Yes, sometimes his actions are a little… crazy, but he's a loving husband and a wonderful father to the twins. Surely that's all that matters?'

'Yes, I suppose you're right.' Brian conceded with a laugh. 'Betsy loves him, and that should be enough.'

'Oh look, there they are.' Meggan grinned excitedly as she indicated a dark shape that looked like one of the X-Men's Blackbird jets. 'I knew they wouldn't be long.'

'Took them long enough.' Brian sniffed.

'Oh, stop it.' Meggan swatted her husband on the arm. 'Wade's family, so be nice.'

'What about this Bob that's hanging around with Wade all the time?' Brian reminded her. 'Didn't you know that he's an agent of HYDRA?'

'_Former_ agent of HYDRA.' Meggan countered. 'Besides, who are we to dictate who Wade should call his friends? We work with Pete Wisdom, remember.'

The Braddocks shielded their eyes as the Blackbird jet came in to land in front of them.

'Well, I suppose we'd better give them a warm welcome.' Brian said as he walked up to the sleek hi-tech aircraft.

The hatch on the side of the Blackbird opened up and Wade Wilson jumped out, wearing a floppy Union Jack top hat atop his head.

'London, baby! Yeah!'

'Hello, Wade.' Brian sighed. 'Have a pleasant trip?'

'Aww, c'mon Bri.' Wade grinned. 'Surely you can do better than that. C'mon, gimmie a hug.'

Wade opened his arms wide.

'C'mon, don't leave me standing here, dude.' Wade said. 'Plant a hug on your brother-in-law already!'

Brian sent an exasperated look towards Meggan, who was attempting to hide her obvious amusement behind her hand.

'Wade, leave Brian alone.' Betsy sighed. 'You know he isn't a hugging type of person.'

'It's lovely to see you again, Betsy.' Brian smiled at his sister. 'It seems such a long time since we last saw you and the twins.'

'Hey, standing right here.' Wade tutted. 'I may be a quasi-sane former mercenary, but I've still got feeling, y'know.'

'I think we'd better head inside.' Meggan suggested. 'It isn't all that wise to stand about in the open at this time of year. We'd most probably end up getting rained on.'

'Yeah, or some filthy paparazzi could take our picture.' Wade grumbled.

'I doubt the paparazzi would be desperate enough to come all the way up here.' Betsy told her husband.

'You never know, Betts.' Wade responded. 'Those people are everywhere. I can feel them watching us. Always watching…' Wade started whipping head around madly. _**'SHOW YOURSELVES, YA CHEESE-EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS!'**_

'Hello, Bob.' Meggan waved at the former agent of HYDRA standing behind Wade and Betsy.

'Umm… hi, Mrs Braddock.' Bob smiled awkwardly.

'Please, call me Meggan.' The blond metamorph smiled. 'You can come down, we won't bite.'

'You head on inside while Bob and I take care of the twins, okay?' Wade said. 'Give you a chance to start chatting over tea, or whatever the stereotype is nowadays.'

'Don't be too long.' Betsy reminded her husband. 'We've got a busy time ahead of us. The Natural History Museum gets pretty busy.'

'I'm gonna see me some dinosaur skeletons!' Wade grinned triumphantly. 'And some tatty stuffed animals!'

* * *

**Inside the Lake House, later-**

Wade and Bob had brought all of the luggage out of the Blackbird jet and had joined Betsy and the Braddocks for a cup of tea.

'Did the twins get off to sleep okay?' Betsy asked.

'Yeah, they didn't even wake up when I carried them out of the Blackbird.' Wade explained. 'Seriously, there could be a great big Skrull invasion with explosions and heroes and villains combining to fight them and junk, and the kids wouldn't even bat an eyelid.'

'I wouldn't go to the Natural History Museum tomorrow if I were you.' Layla Miller said as she appeared seemingly out of nowhere. 'You'll only be disappointed.'

'Ahh!' Wade yelped in surprise as he jumped up out of his seat. 'Child of the Corn! Kill it!'

'Wade, you've met Layla before, remember?' Meggan reminded him. 'You met her when you came over for Christmas.'

'You had the same reaction then.' Brian sighed. 'You really shouldn't be so jumpy, Wade. Layla's harmless. A little strange, but she's harmless.'

'Well, it's not nice appearing like that out of nowhere.' Wade sniffed. 'Scaring somebody just that, Coulda given me a heart attack.'

'Oh, don't be such a baby.' Betsy rolled her eyes. 'You're supposed to be this big bad mercenary and you're scared of a little girl. I think you're starting to go soft.'

'Am not!' Wade retorted. 'I'm as big a badass as I ever was. You weren't there when I went all Commando on Silvermane's goons last chapter.'

'Last chapter?' Brian blinked in confusion. 'Commando? You mean to say you fought bad guys without any underwear?'

'I think he's talking about the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.' Meggan suggested.

'Aww, you guys're no fun.' Wade grimaced. 'I'm going to bed.'

'I won't be any longer, love.' Betsy smiled as she kissed her husband on the cheek. 'Try not to hog all the covers, okay?'

'I don't hog the covers!' Wade snorted indignantly. 'Also, I'm not the one with cold feet!'

'I wouldn't have cold feet if you didn't hog all the covers.' Betsy countered. 'Now, just bugger off to bed, will you? I'll be up when I've finished my tea.'

Wade sighed heavily, his shoulders slumped as he was a child just having been told off by his mother.

'So Bob, how does your wife feel about you hanging out with the X-Men?' Meggan asked.

'Ex-wife, actually.' Bob pointed out. 'We haven't talked to each other for months.'

'Haven't you got anybody special?' Meggan enquired. 'You know, a new girlfriend or anything?'

'I... I haven't really had much time for that sort of thing.' Bob admitted, sighing sadly. 'Mr Wilson keeps me pretty busy.'

'You never know, Bob, you might just get lucky.' Betsy told him. 'Perhaps we'll find you somebody when we head to the Natural History Museum tomorrow.'

'Oh no, I couldn't let you do that.' Bob shook his head. 'I don't want anybody going to any trouble.'

'It won't be any trouble.' Meggan reassured the former agent of HYDRA. 'I'm going to make it my mission to pair you up with a pretty lady.'

Bob let out a long sigh.

'You're not going to let up until I say yes, are you?'

'Meggan can be pretty stubborn when she puts her mind to it.' Brian explained. 'You'll find it easier if you just agree with her.'

'Okay, I'll play along.' Bob sighed. 'How hard could it be to find somebody in London that likes me?'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Wrecked**

_Will Bob manage to find a lady when he accompanies Deadpool and the others to the Natural History Museum, or will the Wrecking Crew spoil all the fun? Guest-starring: Outlaw!_


	28. Wrecked: Part 1

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 28: Wrecked**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**The Natural History Museum, London-**

The Natural History Museum was one of London's most famous tourist attractions. It was one of three museums situated on Exhibition Road in South Kensington. The other museums being the Science Museum and the Victoria Albert Museum. One of the things the museum was most famous for was the diplodocus skeleton standing in the main foyer. The museum also held various animal specimens that Charles Darwin brought back from his journeys across the world.

Wade Wilson looked around in amazement as he walked into the foyer with his wife. Brian and Meggan Braddock had joined them along with their young daughter Betsy Junior and their ward Layla Miller. Of course, the former agent of HYDRA known only as Bob had joined the group as well.

'Wow. Look at this place.' Wade whistled in admiration as he looked around at the museum's Victorian architecture. 'Who knew such an old place could be so awesome?'

'I wouldn't get too excited just yet.' Layla pointed out. 'You're barely through the foyer yet.'

'Aww, you're no fun.' Wade rolled his eyes. 'It's a pity the twins are two young to appreciate this. They'd love all this Victorian crap!'

'You always do know how to put an attractive spin on things, love.' Betsy chuckled. 'You know, I've lived in England for years, but I've never actually been here before. I went to the Science Museum on a school trip once. It wasn't as fun as I bet it is now. Nowadays the Science Museum is more hands on. You actually get to mess around with the exhibits now.'

'I doubt you'd like the Victoria and Albert Museum, Wade.' Meggan warned her brother-in-law. 'It's a bit too highbrow for you. It's all boring bits of art and sculptures.'

'Is their ancient weapons?' Wade enquired.

'Most probably.' Meggan shrugged. 'I only went there to see the exhibition on Kylie Minogue's clothes. Did I tell you that I saw those famous gold hot pants she wore in one of her music videos?'

'Yes, you told us all about it.' Betsy reminded her sister-in-law. 'You also told us how the women were commenting on how tiny and thin Kylie was while the men just stood there staring.'

'Oh, sorry.' Meggan smiled embarrassedly. 'I forgot about that.'

'So, what sort of neat exhibitions has this place got?' Wade asked. 'Dinosaurs? Deadly predators?'

'It doesn't look like this place has any special exhibitions on today.' Bob noted as he took a look at a visitor's guide. 'All there is to see are the permanent exhibits.'

'Oh.' Wade sighed in disappointment. 'I guess that can be exciting… right?'

* * *

**A little while later-**

'Aww, what a crock!' Wade threw his arms up in exasperation. 'I thought you said this place was awesome! The only stuff I've seen so far are dusty old animals and dead bugs in cases!'

'We never said that this place was awesome, Wade.' Brian pointed out. 'Layla warned you about getting too excited.'

'I liked seeing the animals.' Betsy Junior piped up. 'That panda looked kinda old and stinky, though.'

'Some of the stuffed animals are pretty old, love.' Betsy Senior told her niece. 'They've been around for quite some time.'

'Wait, where's Wade gone?' Meggan asked.

'I think he's taunting that stuffed wolverine again.' Bob explained. 'Do you want me to go get him?'

'No, that's okay.' Betsy sighed heavily. 'I'll go get him.'

Sure enough, Wade was knelt down beside a glass case containing a large stuffed weasel-like creature with faded black and cream fur.

'Who's the best at what they do now, bub?' Wade taunted the creature. 'Who's the one standing in the glass case? Heh. I don't need to appear in twenty-five different books at once to prove how awesome I am!'

Betsy grabbed her husband by the arm and pulled him away from the stuffed wolverine.

'Come on, you.' The purple-haired Brit said as she led him away. 'I already told you, don't taunt the stuffed animals.'

'What are you scared of, Betts?' Wade grinned. 'It's not like they can leap out of the cases and maul us to death. Why shouldn't I taunt these things, huh?'

'It's just tacky.' Betsy sighed. 'It's just like that time you made fun of that chimpanzee for not having opposable thumbs.'

'Hey, it's not my fault I'm higher on the evolutionary ladder.' Wade shrugged.

'Barely.' Betsy muttered as she led her errant husband back to the group. 'I think we'd better make a move before somebody wanders off again.'

'We might still be able to get to see the Tower before it closes.' Meggan suggested. 'Do you want to go and see the Crown Jewels, sweetie?'

'Yeah!' Betsy Junior grinned eagerly. 'Can we go see them, mummy? Huh, can we?'

'I'm sorry to interrupt, but did y'all mean the Tower of London?' A passer-by asked. Wade grinned happily to see that the passer-by was a tall blonde-haired Texan woman that he knew all too well.

'Outlaw!' The former Merc-With-a-Mouth grinned. 'What the heck are you doing here?'

'Ah haven't got time to explain.' Outlaw told him. 'Ah just heard that there's some sort of supervillain shenanigans going down at the Tower of London. Something about the Wrecking Crew trying to steal the Crown Jewels. Th' English government hired me to watch over 'em.'

'Well, so much for a quiet day out seeing the sites.' Brian sighed. 'I guess we have work to do after all.'

* * *

**Outside the Tower of London-**

Armed police officers surrounded the Tower of London. The Wrecking Crew soon found out that the Tower wasn't just some musty old building where prisoners used to be executed many years ago. The Tower of London had top of the range security to make sure that nobody could ever steal the Crown Jewels, even if they did have super powers.

_**DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!**_

The Wrecking Crew tried desperately to smash their way out through the Tower's walls, but found that their efforts were proving fruitless. The Tower had been seriously refurbished when the government began to fear that super powered villains would try to steal the Crown Jewels.

'Aww, what the hell is this crap?' The Wrecker grimaced as he battered away at the walls with his enchanted crowbar. 'My crowbar can smash through anything! _Anything!_'

'My wrecking ball is proving just as futile.' Thunderball added. 'The walls must be laced with adamantium.'

'Heh. I don't need fancy weapons like you wusses.' Bulldozer smirked. 'Stand back and let me show you how it's done…'

Thunderball held out his hand to stop his teammate. 'Bulldozer, I would not recommend that you…'

'Aww, quit yer bellyaching, Poindexter.' Bulldozer retorted as he swatted his teammate's hand away and backed up a few steps. 'Let me who you how a real man does things…'

Bulldozer charged at the wall and let out a fierce yell.

'_**RRRAAAAGH!!**_'

_**DONNNG!!**_

Bulldozer readmitted the wall and bounced back, holding his head.

'Ahh, son of a…' The hard-headed villain hissed in pain as he clutched his head 'That hurts like a…'

'Mind the language, please. There are ladies present, you know.'

'What the…?' Piledriver blinked in surprise as he looked up to see Captain Britain, Meggan, Deadpool, and Psylocke, Bob, and Outlaw hovering above their heads. Cap and Meggan were carrying the non-flying Deadpool, Bob and Psylocke and Outlaw respectively.

'Heh. It's just those Limey losers.' Wrecker smirked. 'Just when I thought this day was gonna suck, some heroes turn up to get squashed!'

'Hey, I resent that remark!' Deadpool said. 'I'm Canadian, you jackass! You might get it right if you read the Marvel Handbook once in a while. Although, I suppose where I come from depends on who's writing my book at the time…'

'Please don't smash up our national monuments.' Meggan asked the quartet of villains. 'It was expensive enough to refit this place to make sure that people like you didn't ruin it all.'

'Enough of this crap!' Wrecker yelled. 'Wrecking Crew, let's stomp these losers!'

'Yay, a fight scene!' Deadpool clapped his hands excitedly. 'It's gonna be fighty time! Fight, fighty, blood, blood, blood!'

Outlaw pulled her guns out of her holsters and let out a whoop of joy as the heroes leapt down to the ground.

'Yippie-kay-yay, mother lovers!'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Wrecked- Part 2**

_Deadpool and Co Vs The Wrecking Crew. 'Nuff said._


	29. Wrecked: Part 2

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 29: Wrecked- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**The Tower of London-**

'Yay! It's fighty time! Fighty fighty time!' The former Merc-With-A-Mouth known as Deadpool crowed as he somersaulted over the Wrecking Crew and unsheathed his swords as he landed behind them. The quartet of villains had chosen to try and steal the Crown Jewels from the Tower of London, little realising that the Tower was specially equipped against such things.

'Those pig-stickers ain't gonna do nothing against the Wrecking Crew!' Wrecker laughed. 'Yer outta yer league, 'Pool!'

'Oh, yeah?' Deadpool retorted. 'Your mother seems to like it!'

'You keep my mother outta this!' Wrecker spat, shaking with anger. 'She's a freakin' saint!'

'And you're freakin' ugly!' Deadpool shot back. 'What's the matter, did your daddy beat you really hard with the ugly stick when you were a kid, or did you fall out the ugly tree and hit all the branches on the way down? Dude, you're so ugly that the Ugly Duckling would be all _damn, you ugly!_'

'_**RRAAAGH!! **_You shut your mouth!' Wrecker yelled as he charged as Deadpool, swinging his enchanted crowbar wildly.

'As long as people read this stuff, I'm gonna keep on cracking wise and kicking ass.' Deadpool mocked as he ducked out of the way. 'Yes, as long as the millions and _millions _of people keep reading this… okay, hundreds of people… uh, tens of people?'

_**CRACK!**_

Wrecker clobbered Deadpool over the head with his crowbar, cutting the Merc-With-A-Mouth's wisecracks short.

'_Durp!_' Deadpool yelped. 'Auntie Em! Auntie Em!'

'Heh. Not so funny now, are ya?' Wrecker laughed, raising his crowbar. 'I'm gonna smash you goo…'

Wrecker trailed off as Psylocke stabbed him in the back of the head with her psychic knife.

'Now who's the funny one?' The purple-haired Brit grinned as Wrecker fell to the ground. 'Wade, are you okay?'

'Where's the applesauce, Bungle?' Deadpool blurted out as he got up to his feet. 'No, that's not right… Don't eat the biscuits, Malcolm… Aww, screw it!'

The red-and-black-clad former mercenary leapt away to go deal with another villain.

'I think he's fine.' Psylocke nodded to herself.

Elsewhere, Captain Britain and Meggan were taking on Bulldozer and Thunderball.

'You may little hope of winning this fight, my dear.' Thunderball laughed as he swung his enchanted wrecking ball around his head. 'My wrecking ball has the same spell cast upon it as Wrecker's crowbar. It is unbreakable!'

'It didn't seem to help your friend.' Meggan stated as she indicated the unconscious Wrecker.

'What in the…?' Thunderball blinked as he turned to regard his fallen leader. Meggan took the villain's moment of hesitation as a sign to strike. The blonde-haired metamorph dashed forward and snatched the wrecking ball out of Thunderball's hands.

'Oh, dear…' The villain sighed as Meggan began to swing the wrecking ball over her head.

_**CRUNCH!**_

Thunderball was sent flying as Meggan used his own weapon against him.

'You mighta taken down the Poindexter, but I'll show you how a real mean fights.' Bulldozer said. 'A real man don't need no weapons to win a fight with you pasty Limeys!'

'A real man doesn't pick a fight with women.' Captain Britain pointed out. 'Even if that woman could easily kick your head in.'

'Aww, lookit the hero tryin' to protect his woman.' Bulldozer laughed. 'I think I'll take you out first. Let your woman watch as I trample you into mush!'

'Well, are you going to trample me to death, or stand here talking about it?' Captain Britain frowned, crossing his arms.

'Heh. Seein' that you were kind enough to ask…' Bulldozer smirked as he charged at Captain Britain. The British hero didn't back away, he simply flew right at the villain before picking him up and taking him high up into the air.

'H-hey! What're you doing?' Bulldozer stuttered fearfully. 'Let me down, man. Let me down!'

'Well, seeing that you were kind enough to ask.' Captain Britain smirked as he let go of Bulldzoer, sending him plummeting back down to the ground.

_**BADOOM!**_

Bulldozer hit the ground with such force that the impact left a crater.

'Oh my. Fixing that is going to cost a lot of money.' Meggan grimaced as she watched her husband land back on the ground.

Nearby, Bob, the former agent of HYDRA and Outlaw were taking care of the last remaining member of the Wrecking Crew, Piledriver. Well, Outlaw was taking care of him. Bob was cowering behind a ticket booth.

'Any chance you wanna get your cute butt out here an' give me some help?' Outlaw asked the trembling Bob.

'If I can't see them, they can't see me.' Bob muttered to himself as he curled up into a ball. 'HYDRA Training 101.'

'Fine.' Outlaw sighed as she took aim at Piledriver. 'Ah'll whup this loser myself.'

'Wait, I know you…' Piledriver said. 'You're that Outlaw chick! The guys all tell tales about you in the Bar With No Name! Aww, what is it they call you? Crazy Inez?' Bob's eyes widened at that. He knew what was coming next.

'Oh, man!' The ex-HYDRA Agent whimpered. 'This guy must have a death wish or something.'

'What did y'all call me?' Outlaw growled, her eye starting to twitch.

'What are you, deaf?' Piledriver snorted. 'I called you Crazy Inez. What're you gonna do about it?'

Outlaw threw down her guns and charged at Piledriver with a fierce yell.

'_**RRRAAAAGHH!!**_'

The gun-slinging Texan grabbed hold of Piledriver and held him aloft before bringing him down on her knee.

_**KRAKT!**_

_'Ooooooooooooooooh!'_ Bob winced when he heard the noise. 'That's gotta hurt.'

'Mmm, DC-flavour.' Deadpool smirked as Outlaw dumped the beaten Piledriver on the ground.

'Is it all over?' Bob asked as he peeked around the side of the ticket booth. 'Are the bad guys finished?'

'Yes, the bad guys are done.' Psylocke nodded. 'Although, I'm not sure whether crippling Piledriver like that was necessary.'

'Hey, you know Outlaw doesn't like being called that name.' Deadpool pointed out. 'Besides, it's not like he's dead.'

The Merc-With-A-Mouth rolled over the defeated Piledriver with his foot.

'My back…' Piledriver whimpered. 'I think my back's broken…'

'See?' Deadpool smiled at his wife. 'A little bit of the old ultra-violence never hurt anybody.'

* * *

**The Lake House, Later-**

Once the authorities had taken away the Wrecking Crew, Deadpool and the others returned back to the Lake House. Outlaw tagged along as well. It wasn't as if she had anything better to do.

'Are you going to go back and carry on working for the government?' Meggan asked as she took a sip of her tea.

'Ah don't really know.' The blonde Texan sighed as she munched on a Chocolate HobNob. 'Ah was hired to make sure that nobody tried to steal the Crown Jewels. I kinda failed when the Wrecking Crew decided to try their luck. Ah guess that means ah have to go back to the States and carry on workin' for Agency X.'

'Not really.' Bob shrugged. 'They didn't get the Jewels, so I'm sure they'll still pay you.'

'You don't have to go and work for that cheap imitation.' Wade said. 'Why don't you come work with us?'

'What do you mean _work with us_?' Betsy asked incredulously

'Hey, if you can go off gallivanting with the X-Men, then surely I can have my own team.' Wade suggested. 'Or did you expect me to sit on my ass all day?'

'Well, somebody has to look after the children, I suppose.' Brian shrugged.

'I love the twins and all, but I have to do something with my life.' Wade continued. 'I'm starting to get that itch again. First I thought it was a rash, but I want to get out there and kick some ass. All that business with the Wrecking Crew brought it all back. I'm gonna form my own team!'

'Okay, who do you have as part of this team so far?' Betsy asked. She knew better than try to discourage her husband once he got an idea in his head, so she thought that she might as well humour him.

'Uh… It's just me and Bob so far.' Wade smiled sheepishly. 'Maybe Weasel if I can pry him away from his Battlestar Galactica box set.'

'Who else do you plan on joining the team, boss?' Bob enquired.

'I can't tell you yet.' Wade grinned. 'That would spoil the surprise for the next chapter, wouldn't it?'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Deadpool Inc**

_Just who will Deadpool choose to be part of his new team? Taskmaster? Agent X? Elektra? Howard the Duck? Tune in next time to find out…_


	30. Deadpool Inc

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 30: Deadpool Inc**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

_

* * *

_

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning-**

Deadpool walked along one of the corridors in the upper levels of the X-Mansion where the sleeping quarters were. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth had a busy day planned and he needed the help of his minions.

'Well, Bob isn't anywhere to be seen.' Wade muttered to himself. 'He's not in his room or anything. I hope he hasn't done a runner. I'd hade to bring out the punishing stick again.'

Wade stopped outside Outlaw's room and knocked on the door.

'Yo, Outlaw! Rise and shine, it's butt-whipping time!'

The bedroom door opened, but the person on the other side wasn't Outlaw. It was a thoroughly tired-looking Bob clad in little more than a bed sheet.

'Hey Bob, what're you doing in Outlaw's room?' An unaware Wade enquired. 'Don't tell me you guys swapped rooms without telling me.'

_**FLUSH!**_

Wade peered around the door to see Outlaw walk out of the bathroom clad in a bath towel. The super-strong Texan turned to see Wade peering through the door.

'_Yee! _Get outta here, ya perv!' Outlaw yelled as she tossed a shoe in Wade's direction. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth put his hand to his mouth and gasped dramatically.

'Hey, I know what's going on here!' Wade realised. He pointed at Bob and Outlaw. 'Adult situations!'

'Is there something' y'all needed?' Outlaw glowered as she wrapped herself up in a sheet.

'Forget what I came to see you about, I want to know the details.' Wade grinned. 'C'mon, Bob. Spill. What's Outlaw like in bed?'

'It's really not my place to say.' Bob coughed nervously.

'Oh, I get it.' Wade snickered. 'If you blab to all your friends about how you scored with Outlaw, she'll break you in half, and not in the good way. It's like the time I told Weasel Betsy likes having her ears nibbled…'

Wade blinked for a moment before he realised what he had just said.

'Aww, dammit!'

* * *

**Agency X, Manhattan-**

Alex Hayden sat in his plush black leather chair and took aim with a dart. The mercenary known as Agent X stuck his tongue out and closed an eye as he tried to get his shot just right. Hanging on the wall on the opposite side of the office was a dartboard with a photo of Deadpool taped to it. Hayden tossed the dart at the board, hitting the photo of Deadpool right between the eyes.

'_Booyah!_' Hayden crowed triumphantly as he threw his arms up in the air. 'Excelsior!'

_**Bzzt!**_

Hayden pressed the button on his intercom to speak to his secretary.

'Sandi, you shoulda seen me! I nailed that picture good!'

'Your three o'clock is here, Mr Hayden.' Sandi announced.

'Uh… I don't have a three o'clock.' Hayden blinked. 'Do I…?'

'You do now, baby!' Deadpool whooped as he leapt through the door. '_Surprise!_'

'Get the hell outta here, Wilson.' Hayden sighed. 'I don't have time for your crap.'

'What, no fight scene?' Wade tutted. 'Dude, I'm disappointed.'

'I can't afford to start shooting up the place like the old days.' Hayden pointed out. 'Sandi just had this place redecorated.'

'Yeah, I like what you've done with the place.' Wade nodded in appreciation as he looked around the office. 'I think I'll take it.'

'_What?!_' Hayden spluttered. 'What the hell?'

'I'm buying Agency X from you.' Deadpool grinned as he sat on the edge of the desk. 'Gotta do something about that name, though. Agency X sounds so… 2002. I'm thinking… _Deadpool Inc!_'

Hayden reached into a desk drawer and pulled out a gun, shoving it right in Deadpool's face.

'Forget the new office!' Hayden growled. 'Here's your fight scene!'

'Glee!' Wade clapped his hands excitedly. 'There's nothing that improves a business meeting more than gratuitous violence!' He then whipped out a pair of Uzis. 'Have at thee!'

_**BLAM! BLAM! KAPOW!**_

Next door, Sandi Brandenburg jumped up in surprise at the sudden sound of gunfire.

'Tch. I just had that office redecorated.' Sandi tutted. 'I guess that means we'll have to get new letterheads on the stationary.'

* * *

**New Jersey, later-**

Taskmaster carefully crept through the abandoned industrial complex he had tracked his quarry to. It just wasn't profitable for Taskmaster to run his schools for training henchmen anymore. It just wasn't worth the money he lost when the schools ended up being raided by the Avengers, so he ended up having to take mercenary work again.

Taskmaster's latest assignment was to track down a banker that had been embezzling funds from his firm. Said firm then went bust while the banker made a clean getaway, or so he thought.

Taskmaster grinned underneath his mask as he saw a human-shaped shadow move a short distance away.

'Heh. This job is too easy.' Taskmaster smirked as he took aim at the banker.

_**HONK! HONK!**_

'What the hell?!'

Taskmaster spun around at the sound of the car horn.

'What the hell do you think you're doing, you jackass!' Taskmaster yelled at the mystery driver. 'People're trying to work here!'

'By the Power of Grey Skull!'

Taskmaster's shoulders fell once he recognised the voice.

'Aww, crap. As if my day couldn't get any worse.'

'Hey, why so serious, Skeletor?' Deadpool grinned as he got out of the car. 'What's the matter, He-Man foil your latest plan for world domination?'

'You just screwed up a job for me, you dipstick!' Taskmaster hissed. 'Now the guy's getting away.'

'No problemo, old bean.' Wade grinned as he unsheathed one of his swords. 'I've got it.'

'Wilson, wait-!' Taskmaster wasn't able to finish his warning. Deadpool tossed the sword at the retreating banker, hitting him square in the back.

'Oh yeah, I'm awesome.' Wade nodded as he headed over to retrieve his sword. 'Who wanted this guy dead, anyway?'

'_Nobody_ wanted him dead, Wilson.' Taskmaster glowered at the former mercenary. 'My job was to bring him back alive so he could face prosecution. His old firm were paying me to hand him in to the feds.'

'Oopsie.' Deadpool grimaced. 'Uh-oh Spagetti-Os.'

'Thanks a lot, Wilson.' Taskmaster sighed heavily. 'You just robbed me of fifty grand.'

'What would you say if I told you I had a job offer for you?' Wade asked.

'I'd tell you to go shove your job where the sun don't shine, but I really need the money.' Taskmaster let out an exasperated sigh. 'Where do I sign up?'

'Awesomeness!' Wade crowed as he punched the air. 'My new team's complete! Now we can finally go and have some fun! Ain't that right, Skelly?'

Taskmaster shot Deadpool with a withering glare.

'I hate you, Wilson.'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Lead Farmers**

_Nasty drug dealers have captured foreign aid workers and it's up to Deadpool Inc to rescue them. _


	31. Lead Farmers: Part 1

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 31: Lead Farmers- Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

**

* * *

**

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning-**

_**BLEE! BLEE! BLEE!**_

Wade Wilson let out a groan at the sound of the alarm clock. The former Merc-With-A-Mouth reached under his pillow and pulled out a gun before firing twice at the errant machine.

_**BLAM! BLAM!**_

'Wade, don't shoot the alarm clock.' Betsy Braddock-Wilson mumbled as she turned on her side with her back facing her gun-happy husband.

'Uch. Gotta get to work.' Wade grumbled as he slung his legs over the side of the bed. 'Gonna have to go. Can't be late on my first day at work.'

'Have fun, dear…' Betsy yawned before she resumed her slumber.

Wade headed over to the closet and pulled out his usual red-and-black getup. Once he had dressed himself he headed back to the bed and leant over to give his wife a kiss.

'See you later, sweetie.' Wade smiled as he headed out the room. 'I'm ready… I'm ready…'

* * *

**The Offices of Deadpool Inc., Manhattan-**

Wade was now sitting at his desk in the penthouse office of the Deadpool Inc. building. He was practising his evil boss voice.

'You're fired! _You_ are fired! You _are_ fired!' The former Merc-With-A-Mouth shook his head. 'Nah, that isn't it. Wait, I think I've got it. _Yourrrrr'e __**firrrrred!**_Heh. That's the job.'

_**Bzzt!**_

'Ahoy-hoy.' Wade said as he pressed the button on his intercom. It was Sandi Brandenburg, his secretary.

'Mr Wilson, the _Twilight_ people just called.' Sandi announced. 'It's about your t-shirt idea.'

'Oh, did they like it?' Wade grinned hopefully. 'You know, my _Team I-Don't-Give-A-Crap_ idea. Might as well make some money out of the haters, right?'

'No, they didn't like it.' Sandi told her boss.' The same idea goes for your solution to the overcrowding of British jails. The British government said that it just wasn't feasible to turn the Isle of Man into a giant island prison.'

'Pff. They don't know what they're missing.' Wade sniffed. 'It worked fine in _Escape From New York..._ and to a lesser extent, the sequel _Escape From Los Angeles_ which people say is a load of crap but I didn't really mind it.'

'Your nine o'clock is here as well.' Sandi added. 'A Mr Branders about his missing wife.'

'Send him in.' Wade ordered as he sat back to receive his would-be client.

The door opened and Mr Branders, a pale-looking moustachioed man with glasses, walked into the office.

'Mr Deadpool…?' Branders enquired.

'Yup. That's my name, don't wear it out.' Wade grinned under his mask as he shook Branders's hand. 'Take a seat. What can Deadpool Inc. do for you? No job is too big, no fee is too big.'

'It's my wife.' Branders explained. 'She and I work for a Christian aid group helping those that are less fortunate.' The mustachioed man handed Wade a picture of his wife, a chubby older blonde. Wade looked at the picture and did his best not to shudder. 'She was helping people in the slums of Madripoor when she was kidnapped by a group called the Golden Dragons.'

'So, you want Deadpool Inc. to go in and bring her back home, right?' Wade surmised. 'By any means necessary?'

'I would rather that the bloodshed was kept to a minimum.' Branders sighed. 'But if it brings my wife back safe…'

'Heh. Good stuff.' Wade grinned as he patted Branders on the back. 'Now, if you'll head outside and talk to Sandi, she'll ring up your bill.'

'Oh, God bless you.' Branders grinned in relief as he hugged Wade tight.

'Hey, quit the sermon, Churchy La Femme.' Wade grumbled as he pushed Branders away. 'No touching on a first date.'

* * *

**The Armoury, later-**

Once Mr Branders had left, Wade gathered up the other members of his team and led them down to the armoury. It wouldn't be a proper mission if they didn't have any cool toys. Weasel was showing the team the various weapons he had designed for the mission.

'This is the Slashinator.' Weasel explained as he held up a high tech-looking weapon. 'It's a gun that shoots knives.'

'Get the hell outta here!' Agent X grinned. 'A gun that shoots knives? For reals?'

'Try it out on that target over there.' Weasel instructed him. 'I think you'll like it.'

Hayden did as he was told and took the Slashinator from Weasel. He took aim at a nearby target and pulled the trigger. The assembled group watched as a knife shot out of the gun's barrel, unfolded itself in midair, and embedded itself several inches into the target.

_**BLAM!**_

_**THUNK!**_

Agent X gawked at the gun in amazement.

'I think I want your babies.'

Weasel then turned to a gun that could only be described as ridiculously big. It was almost as long as Outlaw was tall, and she was over six foot.

'I call this little baby the Liefeld 4000!' Weasel explained proudly.

'I call dibs!' Outlaw grinned as she grabbed the gun.

'Now Taskmaster, I thought that your usual getup would be a pain on a jungle mission.' Weasel continued. 'So I tinkered with your old body armour. I took the time to add a few additions to it. Such as a cloaking device, a personal shield, and a whole load of other goodies. Try not to use them too much or you'll drain the battery. I'm still working on a solution to that problem, but I'll need to borrow some schematics from S.H.I.E.L.D. before I completely work out all of the bugs.'

'I don't care just as long as it stops Wilson making those dumb Skeletor jokes.' Taskmaster sniffed.

'Aww, spoil my fun.' Wade pouted. 'Now I'll have to think of a new nickname for you. Ooh! Snake Eyes!' Taskmaster glowered at the former Merc-With-A-Mouth.

'I hate you, Wilson.' Wade just grinned back at him.

'I still pay your bills, dude.'

'What about Bob?' Outlaw enquired, pointing at the ex-Agent of Hydra. 'What does he get? I want him to have something!'

'That's okay, Inez.' Bob responded. 'I don't want anything special. I'll be happy if I come back in one piece.'

'Everybody's got their own cool toys.' Outlaw pointed out. 'It won't be fair if you go without. _Right, Weasel?' _The super-strong blonde Texan glowered at Deadpool Inc.'s weapon master.

'Uh… I-I'm sure I'll find something…' Weasel stammered as he looked around for something to give to Bob. It really wouldn't be wise to make Outlaw angry. The lady had quite the temper.

Thankfully for Weasel's spine, he found a device under a small pile of junk.

'Oh, thank God…' Weasel sighed gratefully. 'You can have the teleporter. It's only short-range, but it should get you out of trouble in a pinch.'

'A teleporter.' Bob smiled, taking the device. 'Neat.'

'Now, all this talk of weapons is all well and good, but you're forgetting one thing, Weas.' Wade piped up. 'This team doesn't even have a battle cry yet. The suggestion was met by much sighing and groaning from the rest of the team.

'Look at it this way. All of the great teams have battle cries.' Wade explained. 'Stuff like… _Spoon! _or _**COBRAAAAA!!**_' Taskmaster was the one that took it upon himself to speak for the team.

'You're an idiot, Wilson.'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Lead Farmers- Part 2**

_Deadpool Inc. heads off to Madripoor for their first mission as a team. Surely nothing could possibly go wrong… could it?_


	32. Lead Farmers: Part 2

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 32: Lead Farmers- Part 2**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

* * *

**Madripoor-**

Jimmy Chang stumbled out of one of the many dives in the Lowtown region of Madripoor. He had just drank a skinful and was on the look out for some female entertainment. He smiled once a statuesque blonde woman in a black dress had caught his eye. The woman looked like she was American.

'Hey stud, you lookin' for a good time?' The American woman asked, her accent showing she was from the Southwest.

'You bet I am, baby.' Jimmy slurred drunkenly. 'Your place or mine?'

'Ah know a place where we can go.' The American woman smiled, beckoning to the drunken man. 'It's nice an' quiet. Nobody'll disturb us there.' Jimmy just grinned lecherously and followed the woman through a nearby alley. Unfortunately, the alley ended at a dead end. The American woman spun around and grabbed Jimmy by the throat, slamming him against the wall.

'A couple of friends of mine wanna ask y'all a few questions.' The American woman explained. 'Ah hope ya gonna be obligin'.'

'I'm not going to tell you anything!' Jimmy spat at the woman. 'I ain't scared of no American!'

'How about a Canadian, then?' Deadpool asked as he stepped out of the shadows. The other members of Deadpool Inc were right behind him. 'Now, how about answering our questions, huh? We're new in town and need directions.'

'Go to hell!' Jimmy retorted. 'I ain't gonna tell you nothing!'

'Now, the missus doesn't like me to get too carried away with the old ultra violence, but the rest of my buddies don't have to worry so much. Right, Tasky?'

'What the ladies don't know, won't hurt 'em.' Taskmaster nodded in agreement as he pressed his sword against Jimmy's throat. 'You'd better answer our questions, buddy. Unless I'm liable to lose my grip and accidentally give you an unwanted tracheotomy.'

'Or we'll stab you in the throat.' Agent X chipped in.

'So, what is it?' Deadpool asked. 'Are you going to answer our questions, or will we have to make with the stabbing and the shooting?' Jimmy thought about his chances. On one hand he didn't like Americans throwing their weight around, but on the other he would have really liked to have stayed alive.

'I-I'll tell you whatever you want.' Jimmy stammered.

'Good boy.' Deadpool smiled as he patted Jimmy on the cheek. 'Now, where can we find the Golden Dragons?' Jimmy's eyes widened in horror.

'_Are you crazy, man?!'_ Jimmy sputtered. 'I can't tell you where they are! They'd kill me!'

'Do I _really_ have to tell you about the stabbing and the shooting again?' Deadpool frowned. 'Do you want to die now, or die later? Do you _really_ want to see what makes me even better at whatever it is that Wolverine does?'

'Is it appearing in fifteen different books at once?' Agent X asked. 'Cos it really seems like you do. You must be the Wolverine for the twenty-first century. People would think you might possibly maybe have a movie coming up or something.'

'Not cool, man!' Deadpool glowered at his teammate. 'The whole Fourth Wall thing is _my_ shtick. You had your time a while ago, but that all ended when Gail Simone left to work at DC. Just imagine what would have happened if she stayed at Marvel. But then there wouldn't be any Secret Six, and Birds of Prey wouldn't be made of awesome. Sure, it was pretty neat before Gail began writing it, but that's not my point. Gail Simone is awesome. Got it?'

'Uh, boss?' Outlaw piped up. 'This is all well and good, but this ain't getting us no nearer to these Golden Dragon guys.'

'Right, of course.' Deadpool nodded. 'So, are you going to tell us what we need to know?'

* * *

**Later-**

Deadpool Inc trudged through the hills above Madripoor. It had been quite some time since Jimmy Chang had given them directions to the Golden Dragons' compound.

'The compound should be just over the next rise, boss.' Bob, the former Agent of HYDRA, explained. 'Do you think we could have a sit down? My feet are killing me.'

'Aww, where's your sense of adventure, Bob?' Deadpool grinned. 'Don't you want to make with the fighty fighty time?'

'I'd rather be hiding behind the couch waiting until the bad guys get bored and leave.' Bob admitted.

'Dont'cha worry, Bob.' Outlaw smiled at the ex-HYDRA agent. 'Ah'll watch yer back.'

'Bob, you're such a kidder.' Deadpool laughed. 'Now come, on. Here's my plan…' Deadpool beckoned his team forwards so he could explain his plan. 'Me and Bob are gonna make a distraction, then the rest of you sneak in around the back.'

'Is that it?' Taskmaster groaned in exasperation. '**That's** your plan? Sneak in around the back?'

'No, I was gonna send them flowers and a pony.' Deadpool retorted. 'Now, for the distraction…'

A smile spread across Deadpool's face once he spied a nearby water buffalo.

'Idea!'

* * *

**The Golden Dragon Compound-**

The guards stationed outside the Golden Dragon compound were having a boring night. Absolutely nothing was happening. They were stuck outside while everybody else was enjoying themselves. Tonight was movie night, and they were stuck guarding the entrance. The guards stood up straight when they saw a peasant farmer walk towards them with somebody tied on the back of a water buffalo.

'_Wait, what are you doing?' _The first guard asked Mandarin Chinese, pointing his gun at the farmer.

'_I found this man in my poppy field.' _The farmer answered. _'He is American.'_

'_You found him in your poppy field, you say.' _The second guard grunted as he prodded the unconscious man with his gun. _'When was this?'_

'_Last night.' _The farmer explained. _'I went to check on my rice paddy when I found him.'_

'_Your rice paddy?' _Guard Number One frowned. _'You said you have a poppy field.'_

'_Uh, yes…' _The farmer looked about nervously. _'I have both. I diversify.'_

'_Where is your farm?' _Guard Number Two growled, putting his finger in his gun's trigger in anticipation.

'_My… farm?' _The farmer asked.

'Yes, your farm.' Guard Number One asked, this time in English.

'_Your words… I do not understand.' _The farmer blinked.

'Where is your farm, _American?_' Guard Number Two yelled, aiming his gun at the farmer. The first guard followed suit and pointed his own gun at the farmer.

The image of the farmer in rags with a straw shade on his head began to turn blurry like the image on an untuned television to reveal the more familiar red-and-black form of Deadpool.

'I'll show you my motherlovin' farm!' Deadpool yelled as he pulled out his guns and opened fire on the first guard.

_**BRATTATTATTA!!**_

'I'm a lead farmer, mother flipper!' Deadpool yelled again as he turned his guns on the second guard.

_**BRATTATTATTA!!**_

'Mr Wilson, can I get down now?' Bob asked from atop the water buffalo. He had been conscious all along.

'You played your part well, Bob.' Deadpool complimented his loyal minion as he freed him. 'You ever thought of going into acting?'

'And since when did you ever know Chinese?' Bob asked as he rubbed his wrists.

'You're asking logical questions, Bob.' Deadpool shrugged. 'This is the Marvel Universe. Logic has no place here. Now, let's go find those hostages! It is fighty time! Fighty fighty time! Blood blood blood!'

**TBC…**

**

* * *

**

**Next: Lead Farmers- Part 3**

_Deadpool Inc. makes with the old ultra violence as they storm the Golden Dragons' compound to rescue the hostages. _


	33. Lead Farmers: Part 3

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 33: Lead Farmers- Part 3**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

* * *

**The Golden Dragon Compound, Madripoor-**

Two guards standing high atop the compound in a sentry station leant against their guns with heavy sighs. It had been such a boring night. Most of the members of the group were inside the main building watching movies. It was movie night, after all.

'_I don't see why we have to stay out here while the others have all the fun._' Guard Number One sighed in Mandarin Chinese. _'I had a date tonight as well.'_

'_Yes, a date with one of the local floozies._' Guard Number Two laughed. _'Everybody knows that you have a taste for ladies of the night.'_

Guard Number One was about to tell his companion to go shove his accusations, but his attention was caught by the sound of gunfire coming from the front of the compound.

_**BRATTATTATTA!**_

Guard Number One peered over the side of the sentry station in an attempt to get a better look.

'_What on ear-__**ACK!'**_

The guard tumbled over the edge of the sentry station, a sword sticking out of his back.

'Dammit. That was my favourite sword.'

Guard Number Two stumbled for his gun as a man dressed in body armour and a skull-emblazoned mask fizzled into view in front of him. Taskmaster had been inside the sentry station all along, having been rendered invisible by his hi-tech body armour's cloaking device.

'I guess I'll have to do this the old-school way.' Taskmaster sighed as he grabbed the guard by the collar and head butted him before tossing him over the edge of the sentry station, impaling him on a pipe down below.

_**CHONK!**_

'Hmm, quite shoddy on the dismount, but extra points for the landing.' Taskmaster quipped. 'I'd give it eight-point-five.'

* * *

**Meanwhile-**

Elsewhere in the complex, Agent X and Outlaw were fighting their way through more members of the Golden Dragons. It was their job to fight through the drug smuggling gang while Deadpool found the hostages they had been sent to rescue. Hayden wasn't best pleased about missing out on being the hero, but Deadpool was the boss, so it was his duty to be the hero.

'Boom, headshot! Boom, headshot!' Agent X whooped in delight as he opened fire with the Slashinator, a gun that shot knives. 'Boom, headshot! Man, this stuff never gets old!'

'Ah'm glad yer havin' fun, Alex.' Outlaw remarked as she took aim with her own weapon. The Liefeld 4000 Thousand was a huge plasma rifle that was almost as long as the Texan mutant was tall. 'We're here to rescue the hostages, remember? Not messin' around at a shootin' gallery.'

'Aww, you're no fun any more.' Agent X tutted. 'What's that Bob runt done to you, Inez? You used to be fun.'

'Bob ain't no runt.' Outlaw hissed through gritted teeth as she opened fire with her own weapon, blasting the attacking Golden Dragons into atoms.

_**CHOOM!**_

'...Swap you.' Agent X said as he offered the Slashinator to Outlaw.

'You made yer choice, Alex.' Outlaw responded, shaking her head. 'Now ya gotta stick with it.'

'Aww, man…' Agent X sulked. 'You never used to be so mean when I had my own book. Y'know, back before I became a second-string supporting character.'

Outlaw just shook her head and let out a sigh.

'Shut up, Alex.'

* * *

**Back with Deadpool and Bob-**

Deadpool was fighting his way to the hostages with his loyal minion Bob, the former agent of HYDRA. The Merc-With-A-Mouth pulled out his swords and started chopping away.

'Stabbichu, I choose you!' Deadpool called as he carved up the Golden Dragons. 'What? Stabbichu is evolving! Stabbichu evolved into... _Shootitor!'_

Deadpool pulled out his gun and open fired on his enemies.

_**BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!**_

'The attack was super effective! The foe's goons fainted!' Deadpool crowed as he put his gun away. 'You can quit hiding now, Bob. The bad guys are all dead. You've missed the moment to be a hero.'

'A-are you sure?' Bob, the former agent of HYDRA, stuttered as he cautiously peeked from behind the barrel he had chosen as his hiding place.

'Good God, man. You are one cowardly minion.' Deadpool shook his head. 'Didn't HYDRA ever teach you to grow some stones?'

'HYDRA mostly taught us how to hide and die in mass numbers.' Bob explained. 'I only joined for the dental plan.'

'What, did your kid need braces or something?' Deadpool smirked. Bob just stared blankly back at him. 'Dental plan? Lisa needs braces? This sound familiar to you? Just watch The Simpsons, dude. My grasp of popular culture is wasted here.'

'I-I think the hostages must be in that building over there.' Bob mumbled, pointing towards a seemingly abandoned shack. 'Shouldn't it be guarded or something?'

'Look at all the dead villains, Bob old chum.' Deadpool countered. 'We killed 'em. However, if there are any more goons around, which there inevitably will be, I'm gonna let you go first.'

'Y-you want _**me**_ to go first?' Bob spluttered in disbelief. 'What if they shoot me?'

'You won't die.' Deadpool waved his minion's worries away. 'What do you think this is, DC Comics? Ooh, burn! Take _that, _distinguished competition!'

'B-but…' Bob continued to stutter.

'Tell you what, take my gun.' Deadpool said as he handed Bob his weapon. 'You do know how to use one of these, right? Just hold it in your hand hand, point it at whoever you want to die, and pull the trigger. _Simples.'_

Bob knew he wouldn't be able to bluff his way out of this one, so he had no other choice but to check out the shack where the hostages were supposed to be held.

'I'm going to die…' Bob muttered to himself as he tip-toed towards the shack. 'I want to go home... I want to go home…'

Bob had barely reached the hostage shack when the door burst open. It was one of the Golden Dragons! The drug smuggler grabbed at his gun. Bob squeezed his eyes tight and pulled the trigger.

_**BLAM!**_

Bob slowly opened his eyes. The goon was still standing in front of him. He let out a laugh at Bob's poor aim. Laughter that was cut short as a section of the shack's roof collapsed on him.

_**CRUNCH!**_

Bob sunk down to his knees and covered his face.

'I think I'm gonna be sick…'

'Atta boy, Bob.' Deadpool grinned as he patted his loyal minion on the back. 'Just don't give up the day job yet. From now on, let's leave the heroics to people who actually have their own story, 'kay?'

Deadpool took back his gun and slowly headed into the shack. He instantly noticed a group of people huddled in a bamboo cage in the corner.

'Mrs Branders?' Deadpool asked as he approached the group.

'Yes?' A chubby blonde woman asked. 'I'm Mrs Branders.'

Deadpool cut through the bamboo cage and offered the hostage his hand.

'Come with me if you want to live.'

* * *

**Later-**

Outlaw, Taskmaster, and Agent X were knee-deep in Golden Dragons when Deadpool and Bob ran up with the hostages.

'I got the hostages!' Deadpool yelled above the din of gunfire. 'Let's get outta here!'

'Aww, and I was just getting warmed up.' Agent X sulked.

'Just how do you expect us to get outta here, Wilson?' Taskmaster glowered. 'We're getting swarmed by these jerks!'

Deadpool grinned underneath his mask as an idea struck him.

'Heh-heh. I love it when a plan comes together.'

The Merc-With-A-Mouth dashed off in the direction of a large corrugated iron shack.

'Mr Wilson! What about the hostages?' Bob called after his boss. 'Oh God, what am I gonna do?'

'Time to hero up, runt.' Agent X grinned as he tossed the former agent of HYDRA a gun. Unfortunately, Bob dropped it.

'Oy…' Agent X groaned. 'You are _so _dead.'

The Golden Dragons turned their attentions to the shack where Deadpool, had ran into. There must have been something in there that they wanted to protect. Quite possibly their stash of drugs. The shack exploded in a massive fireball, sending the Golden Dragons flying through the air.

_**BADOOM!**_

Through the fire and smoke, the members of Deadpool Inc. heard the sound of helicopter rotors.

'Hey Dragons, say hello to my little friend!' Deadpool called from the cockpit of an attack helicopter that he had found inside the shack. The Dragons were cut to pieces as the Merc-With-A-Mouth opened fire with the helicopter's machine guns.

_**BUDDABUDDABUDDA!**_

'Everybody hop in!' Deadpool commanded his team and the rescued hostages. 'I'm taking you all home!'

Nobody needed to be told twice as they all piled into the helicopter.

'Are y'all sure that this bird'll be able to carry us all, boss?' Outlaw asked as she took a few pot-shots at the few Golden Dragons that tried to follow them.

'It had better, or this is gonna be a real short trip. 'Deadpool responded. 'Ooh. What's this button? Miss-illayes? Looks almost like missiles…'

'Just press the freaking button!' Taskmaster yelled.

'Heh. I love the smell of gratuitous explosions in the morning.' Deadpool grinned as he let rip with the helicopter's missiles. The Golden Dragon compound exploded in a cacophony of fireballs.

'Just like a Michael Bay movie.' Deadpool grinned as he steered away from the burning compound. 'Except Megan Fox isn't anywhere in sight. Best thing Bay did getting rid of her…'

The assemble members of Deadpool Inc. and the various hostages just looked back blankly. Deadpool just shook his head sadly.

'You guys suck.'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Lady Mandarin Returns**

_A magical necklace reverts Psylocke to her Lady Mandarin persona. The first task on her list? Kill Deadpool!_


	34. Lady Mandarin Returns: Part 1

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 34: Lady Mandarin Returns: Part 1**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics._

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning-**

Betsy Braddock struggled through the corridors of the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning. The British mutant had just returned home from a shopping trip with both hands full of bags. The twins were being looked after by Ororo, their godmother and regular babysitter. Her husband was conveniently unavailable.

'Hello, anybody home?' Betsy called out, hoping that somebody would be kind enough to give her a hand. The purple-haired telepath frowned when nobody answered. She decided to use her telepathy to seek out assistance. _'Is there any chance of one of you lazy sods giving me a hand?'_

'_Always a pleasure to hear your voice, Elizabeth.' _Emma Frost replied. _'A package came for you while you were out. Peter left it in your cottage.'_

'_Any idea what it was?' _Betsy enquired.

'_I'm not your bloody postmistress.' _Emma retorted before cutting communication.

'Hmm. Lovely woman.' Betsy sniffed. 'Hope she doesn't fall in a pit or anything…'

Betsy headed over to the cottage in the grounds of the institute that she and her husband shared and sure enough, there was a package sitting on the kitchen table waiting for her.

'Wonder what it could be…' Betsy thought out loud as she began to open the package. 'It's not my birthday or anything.'

Inside the package was a golden necklace with a large purple gem.

'I guess it's from Wade.' Betsy shrugged as she put on the necklace. 'Not really my style, but I guess I'll humour him.'

No sooner had Betsy placed the necklace around her neck, then a white-hot searing pain shot through her head.

'_Aaaugh!_' Betsy hissed in pain as she clutched one of the kitchen chairs for support. Fortunately, it didn't take the pain very long to subside. Betsy blinked her eyes in an attempt to clear her mind.

'_Kill Wade Wilson!_'

'What?' Betsy blinked in confusion at the sound of the mysterious voice in her head. 'Emma, if that's you it isn't bloody funny.'

'_Kill Wade Wilson! __**Kill him!'**_

An evil smile slowly spread on Betsy's face.

'Yes, kill him!'

* * *

**A little while later-**

Logan sniffed the air as he trudged up the stairs to his room. He had an intruder in his quarters. Nobody would ever be stupid enough to sneak into his room, not even any of the students.

'What the hell's goin' on?' The feral mutant growled as he threw the door open. _**'Betsy?'**_

Betsy Braddock spun around to face Logan, his antique sword in her hands. Instead of her usual purple outfit, Betsy had donned body armour with a cloak and pointed headwear. It was the same outfit that she wore during her time under the thrall of the Hand.

'Put down the sword, Betts.' Logan told his friend. 'I ain't gonna ask you again.'

'My quarrel is not with you, Logan.' Betsy responded. 'Move out of the way, or pay the price.'

'What's wrong with you, Betsy?' Logan frowned. 'You ain't never been a thief, and why are ya wearin' that old get up.'

'I am no longer known as Betsy.' The purple-haired Brit stated. 'Now I am only to be known as Lady Mandarin!'

'Don't say I didn't warn ya.' Logan said as he unsheathed his claws.

_**SNIKT!**_

'Fool!' Lady Mandarin hissed as she unsheathed the stolen sword and blocked Logan's attack.

'Why the hell are ya doin' this, Betsy?' Logan growled as he tried to reach his friend. 'Somebody has to be controllin' ya. Who is it, Mastermind? The Shadow King?'

'I am under no control.' Lady Mandarin responded as she kicked Logan away. 'You must not stand in the way of my mission. I must kill Wade Wilson!'

_**SHUNK!**_

Lady Mandarin ran Logan through with her purloined sword, pinning him to the wall. She withdrew the sword and leapt out of the window, making a getaway.

'Argh. Son of a…' Logan growled, clutching the stab wound in his chest. 'That's one hell of a domestic you got yerself now, Wilson.'

* * *

**The offices of Deadpool Inc., later**

Sandi Brandenburg, Deadpool Inc.'s secretary, looked up from her computer screen as Lady Mandarin walked in through the door and headed for Deadpool's office.

'Uh, Ms Braddock, you can't go in there…' Sandi called out, trying to halt the purple-haired woman. 'Mr Wilson is in a meeting with a client.'

'Get out of my way, Sandi!' Lady Mandarin sneered as she shoved Sandi away. 'I have business with my husband.'

'Uh… okay.' Sandi blinked in confusion. 'Whatever's going on between you two isn't any of my business.'

Lady Mandarin pushed her way into Deadpool's office and marched up to the client that the Merc-With-A-Mouth was talking to.

'Leave. Now.' The client didn't need to be told twice and scampered out of the door.

'Hey Betts, what's up?' Deadpool asked. 'What's up with the funky costume? You trying a new look?'

Lady Mandarin unsheathed her sword and lunged at her husband.

'Die!'

'Holy!' Deadpool yelped in surprise as he tumbled backwards out of his seat. 'Was it something I said? Is it because I never came shopping with you? Did I forget our anniversary? Your birthday? Do you have woman's troubles?'

'Shut up and die, you idiot!' Lady Mandarin yelled as she took another swipe at Deadpool. The Merc-With-A-Mouth took refuge behind his desk.

'If you want chocolate, I have chocolate.' Deadpool continued. 'Just let me get it out of my drawer…'

_**CHUNK!**_

Lady Mandarin took off Deadpool's hand with a deft swipe from the sword.

'Ow! Dang it!' Deadpool hissed as he clutched his injured arm. 'Enough is enough, honey. That was my favourite hand!' The Merc-With-A-Mouth stood up and tried to calm his wife down. 'This isn't funny any more, baby. Put the sword down, somebody could get seriously hurt.'

_**SHUNK!**_

Deadpool looked down at the sword sticking out of his chest.

'Aww, turds.'

* * *

**Outside-**

Logan pulled up outside the offices of Deadpool Inc. on his motorbike and stopped beside a parked car.

_**CRASH!**_

Logan looked up at the sound of breaking glass and leapt off his bike at what he saw falling towards him.

'_Yaaaaaaaugh!_'

_**CRUNCH!**_

Deadpool crashed down upon the car Logan had just pulled up beside.

'Wilson, we got a situation with yer wife.' Logan stated. Deadpool groaned weakly in response.

'Gee, ya think?'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: Lady Mandarin Returns- Part 2**

_Who is the one responsible for turning Betsy back into Lady Mandarin? Tune in next time to find out!_


	35. Lady Mandarin Returns: Part 2

**Uncanny Deadpool II**

**Chapter 35: Lady Mandarin Returns**

**By**

**The Uncanny R-Man**

* * *

**Disclaimer- **_All familiar characters belong to Marvel Comics_

* * *

**The street outside Deadpool Inc. HQ-**

Deadpool climbed off the crushed car that he had just crashed upon with a groan.

'Man, that's gonna sting come morning.' The Merc-With-A-Mouth grimaced as he rubbed his back.

'Wilson, yer wife's gone nuts.' Logan pointed out. 'She stole my sword an' almost killed me in the process.'

'Do you think I didn't notice that the missus has gone mental?' Deadpool responded as he held up the bleeding stump that was once his left hand. 'Do you know how long it'll take to grow back? No, look at Mister Unbreakable Adamantium Skeleton over here.'

'We gotta do somethin' before she starts hurtin' any innocents.' Logan advised.

'Oh yeah, and what do you suggest?' Deadpool asked.

'Get outta the way!' Logan yelled as he dove for cover. Deadpool looked upwards to see Lady Mandarin leap out of the window with her sword drawn.

'Eep.' Deadpool yelped before Logan grabbed hold of him and yanked him out of the way.

Lady Mandarin landed upon the crushed car, narrowly missing her husband.

'Where do I get me some of those awesome ninja powers?' Deadpool grinned. Lady mandarin didn't say anything in response as she lashed out with her sword, aiming to take off Deadpool's head. 'Oh, right. Keep your mind on the job at hand.' Deadpool remembered as he went for his own sword. Then something dawned on him. 'Aww, turds. My swords're upstairs. I don't suppose you wanna wait until I head back up and get them, do you?'

'Die!' Lady Mandarin yelled as she went at Deadpool with her sword again.

'Guess not.' Deadpool said as he rolled out of the way.

'There's only one way we can end this, Wilson.' Logan stated.

'No way, man.' Deadpool shook his head. 'I'm not gonna kill my wife, no matter how mental she is!'

'I was talkin' about that funk necklace around her neck, ya idiot.' Logan shot back. 'it's obviously controllin' her somehow. It just don't smell right.'

'And I thought that stink was your aftershave.' Deadpool quipped. 'No? Nothing? Fine, I'll get the necklace. You distract her while I make a grab for it. Hey, you never know, if she ends up killing you, I could get your slot in the New Avengers. It's about time that book had a shot of awesomeness in it, don't you think?'

'Just grab the damn necklace, Wilson!' Logan yelled as he duelled against Lady Mandarin, adamantium claws against ancient Japanese sword.

'Easier said than done, Badger.' Deadpool responded as he tried to circle around his wife. 'The lady's pretty stab-happy, y'know.'

'She's your wife, do somethin' about it!' Logan shot back.

Once he found a satisfactory opening, Deadpool leapt on Lady Mandarin's back and made a grab for the necklace around her neck. Unfortunately for him, she was a lot stronger than she looked. The mind-controlled woman grabbed her husband and threw him straight through the windscreen of a nearby car.

'Ow…'

'C'mon, Betts…' Logan tried to calm lady Mandarin. 'You know this ain't you. Sure, Wilson's an annoying son of a bitch, but ya don't have to kill him. Think of yer kids!'

'Yeah!' Deadpool called from inside the car he had just been thrown into. 'Somebody think of the children!'

'Die!' Lady Mandarin yelled as she lashed out with her sword again, this time taking Logan by surprise and slicing him across the chest.

'My quarrel is not with you, Wolverine.' Lady Mandarin said as she prepared for a killing blow. 'But you have forced my hand. Nobody may stand in the way of reaching my objective!'

Lady Mandarin's boasts were cut short by the sound of a gun shot. Logan spun around to see an injured Deadpool leaning out of the car with a smoking gun in his hand. He had just shot the jewel in the centre of the necklace Lady Mandarin had been wearing to pieces. With the source of her mind control destroyed, Lady Mandarin collapsed on the ground, unconscious.

'Man, people should really take more care of the stuff they keep in their glove boxes.' Deadpool said as he pocketed the gun and checked on his wife.

'She's still alive, Wilson.' Logan told the Merc-With-The-Mouth. 'It's a hell of a risk shootin' her like ya did. Where the Hell did ya learn to shoot like that?' Deadpool simply shrugged in response.

'Seven-Eleven.' **(1)**

* * *

**The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning-**

Betsy woke up to find herself in the Xavier Institute's infirmary being tended to by Moira MacTaggart and the rest of her staff. Wade and Logan were also there, waiting for her to regain consciousness.

'What happened…?' Betsy groaned. 'The last thing I remember was coming home after doing some shopping. There was a parcel sitting on the table. Some sort of necklace…'

'A really tacky necklace at that.' Moira said, indicating the destroyed hunk of jewellery that was laid out on a counter. 'Do ye have any idea who might have sent it to ye?'

'I just assumed it was a present from Wade.' Betsy responded. 'He isn't exactly well-known for his taste in jewellery.'

'Hell, even I know better than to buy you a piece of crap like that.' Wade chipped in. 'Although, with that silly jewel shot off it does look pretty neat.' The Merc-With-The-Mouth picked up the golden chain and put it around his neck. 'Look at me, I'm Mr T! Grr! I ain't getting' on no plane!'

'Give it a rest, Wilson!' Logan growled as he snatched the necklace away. 'This ain't the time to start screwin' around! We gotta find out who sent this thing.'

'It would be easier to make a list of who _didn't _send it.' Betsy said. 'You have a habit of making a lot of enemies, love.'

'Yeah, I hear where you're coming from.' Wade nodded in understanding. 'An enemy like _you, _Logan!' Wade pointed a finger at the Canadian mutant in accusation. 'J'accuse, Badger!'

'Wade, stop it.' Betsy shook her head in exasperation. 'Logan didn't send me this necklace. Maybe we could get Doctor Strange or somebody to find out if they can trace whoever sent it magically?'

'I suppose it's worth a try.' Moira said. 'Yuir free to go now, Betsy. Apart from a few bumps and bruises, yuir perfectly fine as far as I can tell.'

Betsy slowly got up off the bed and headed out of the infirmary. She turned to regard Logan and her husband.

'I suppose I owe you two an apology.' Betsy said. 'I almost killed you both.'

'Aww, think nothing of it, honey.' Wade grinned as he put his arm around his wife's shoulders. 'What's a little gratuitous violence between family?'

**TBC…**

* * *

**Next: There Can Be Only One**

_Wade is kidnapped by the one responsible for all the necklace nonsense in an attempt to put him down for good. Somebody isn't going to walk away from this mess._


End file.
